Heidi Montag is furious. Admittedly you can’t see that, because surgery has rendered her face immobile.

But she is. She’s absolutely livid. And it’s all thanks to her no-good mother. Heidi Montag yesterday called the police because her mother Darlene Egelhoff committed the most heinous sin that a parent can ever commit. That’s right – she went to visit Heidi Montag unannounced, the gigantic bitch. For those unaccustomed to the nuances of the legal system, a mother visiting a daughter unannounced is a crime punishable by… oh, nothing. Turns out it’s not actually a crime.

To be fair to Darlene Egelhoff, she’s got a cracker of a defence case if this ever goes to court. After all, Heidi Montag doesn’t really look anything like Heidi Montag any more, so it’d be quite easy for Darlene to say that she thought she was simply visiting her local cut-price latex sex doll or something.

If you watch The Hills, you’ll be aware of the tension between Heidi Montag and her mother Darlene Egelhoff. It all started after Heidi underwent her plastic surgery marathon earlier this year. Viewers may remember that when Heidi Montag unveiled her new appearance, Darlene Egelhoff’s first reaction was to raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw. Following this, Heidi vowed never to speak to her mother again. Why? Here are our three theories:

1 – Heidi was upset that she couldn’t afford the procedures to permanently raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw, and was offended that her mother would point this out to her so subtly.

2 - Following her surgery, Heidi was left unable to move her eyebrows or open her mouth wide enough to drop her jaw, and thought that her mother was taking the piss by waggling both around in front of her.

3 - Heidi was offended that her mother didn’t approve of her plans to physically transform herself into a sort of rigidly disproportionate mutant Barbie doll.

Still, whatever the reason, Heidi Montag has declared war on her mother. And that’s why, when Darlene Egelhoff turned up at her house unannounced, Heidi Montag had no choice but to call the police. Even though the police are sort of powerless when it comes to people visiting their children. MSNBC reports:

“My mom showed up unannounced to my house when she knows I have no interest in seeing or talking with her,” Montag told Access. “I’m sick to my stomach she would even do something like this. She needs to stay away from me. I’m planning on getting a restraining order against her. She tore my heart out on national television. She is just trying to create drama in my life.”

We’ve got a lot to dispute with Heidi Montag’s argument here. For example, we doubt that she really is sick to her stomach, since reports suggest that she’s already had her stomach removed as part of her cosmetic transformation. And why is she upset that her mother ripped out her heart on national television? Think of how much weight she’ll lose without a heart. Honestly Heidi Montag, you really are a very silly girl sometimes.

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And now a public service announcement: Kids, if you’re thinking about getting married, remember to always invite your mother.

But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag‘s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

We have a small apology to make. In the past, we may have insinuated that nobody cared that The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married. We didn’t care about it, you didn’t care about it, none of the microcelebrities who commented on it cared about it and – now that we know the marriage wasn’t valid anyway – there’s a strong chance that not even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really cared about it either.

Or at least that was our assumption. In reality, though, there is one person who cares about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and that’s Heidi Montag’s mother Darlene Egelhoff. Darlene cares about the wedding a lot, just not in the traditional sense that people tend to care about weddings.

You may remember that Heidi Montag didn’t invite her mother to her wedding last month. This was apparently because Heidi was shitfaced on cocktails and in Mexico and there was only an hour between her deciding to get married and the actual wedding itself. But Heidi didn’t even tell Darlene about the wedding until it was over and, for that, Darlene has decided to speak out.

Wait, ‘speak out’ is an acceptable definition for when you claim that the man your daughter married is an evil mind-controller who possibly drugs people into agreeing to embark on inevitably doomed marriages and who might literally be the devil, right? Usmagazine reports:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged… I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.”

You know what? We never thought we’d say this, but Darlene Egelhoff’s berserk rant has actually made us feel a little bit sorry for Spencer Pratt. All he wanted to do was marry the woman he loved, and it’s opened a vicious schism in her family. Nobody wants to be disliked, especially by someone they’re technically related to, and Spencer Pratt certainly didn’t deserve to be on the end of an attack like that. Let’s see how the poor lug has reacted to it:

“I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill.”

OK, we take it all back. That man is such a turd.

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