So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best‘s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.

It's been a scandalous old year for broadcast media, hasn't it?

There was the huge phone-in competition furore, which suggested to shocking effect that – gasp – people in television may not tell the truth on a regular basis, and that the rigid integrity of naming a Blue Peter cat or trying to win a pikey holiday on GMTV may be called into question.

Bigger than that, though, was the Celebrity Big Brother racism row, during which Volkswagen-with-lipstick Jade Goody got into all sorts of trouble because of her constant hassling of fellow contestant Shilpa Shetty. Mind you, it's not as if such ignorant views seemed particularly surprising when they spewed out of Jade's mouth – she is, after all, a cretin of almost biblical proportions whose sole brain cell is mostly occupied by deciding which brand of lard to inject next.

It's not as if some nice, middle-class, well-educated BBC presenter was spouting such drivel.

Until now.

Radio 2 presenter Sarah Kennedy has found herself in a spot of bother after she decided to share the following insight live on air. Something about, y'know, not being able to see black people in the dark and all that:

"You know what happened to me yesterday. It was this black guy. It's lucky he opened his mouth to yawn or do something and I saw him. He was wearing a black hat, black clothes and he was just invisible."

Amazingly, this isn't the first time that Kennedy has launched into such a diatribe. In a 2000 discussion about genetics, she baffled listeners by claiming that black people make good runners because:

"…they are used to being chased by lions."

Christ. Those BBC funding cuts must really have taken hold. What was once the cross-media pride of the nation has now devolved into the sort of puerile babble you'd usually find taking place between two blokes called Daz at a particularly dodgy branch of Wetherspoons.

The BBC has issued an apology. But that isn't enough. Hecklerspray demands a human sacrifice. How about Chris Moyles? We'll clear out Trafalgar Square, put a gallows in there, and put a note in our diaries next Wednesday afternoon: 'spectate at an entirely justified hanging'. 

Then add another three weeks for the cremation, obviously.

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BBC Apologise For Racial Slur – BBC