Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?
APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.
What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)
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If you know someone who’s doing well, you’d be there for them, right? Always showering them with praise or offering words of encouragement when stuff goes a little bit pear-shaped. Anyone with a heart would anyway.
But is everything we see even real? We’ll never know if the smiles and waves that were directed to Cheryl Cole from Girls Aloud were designed to be positive encouragement? Or pile loads of unneeded pressure upon her shoulders so she’d fail and spend a few months in rehab?
For this year’s X-Factor, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland stepped in for Cheryl and Dannii Minogue. We assume that Beyonce was too busy faking a child bump or something to care about her friend Kelly’s progress on the show. As for Tulisa, her fellow members of N-Dubz have been quiet on celebrating her success. Well we say that, Dappy has now decided to voice his opinion on more than just the show.
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Do you see the hilarious pun we did in the headline? Do you? It’s writing like this that wins prestigious awards.
So, N-Dubz – you know, the guy in the silly hat, the quite fit one and the other dude – have been a bit quiet of late, what with Dappy going it alone with that single that even we begrudgingly liked a bit (in the sense that we quite liked it when our younger brother learned to beatbox in 1992 and he wasn’t terrible at it), Tulisa going all ‘television-star’ and Fazer being all ‘unrecognisable in the street and playing Gears Of War 4 all day long’?
Well, all that’s about to change because Richard ‘Fazer’ Rawson has been dragged into the limelight by X-Factor contestant Misha B, who has reportedly been texting the unconfirmed-Tulisa-love-interest in the mistaken belief that he is a mogul capable of launching her career. When in actual fact he probably met her back-stage lurking about, enticed as he was by the promise of free Pringles and a reason to get out of the flat.
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Can you remember last year when Chris Brown bit and punched Rihanna so much that she needed to go into hospital? Punched and bit her so hard that she needed to go into hospital. Punched and bit her. The superstar called Rihanna. That she needed to go to hospital.
Well, she got on with her life and went on to release the anthem for Alzheimers Disease ‘What’s My Name,’ which has the best use of an odd coloured blazer since Hi-De-Hi. Whereas he has released some pretty substandard dance tracks that seem to be very similar to Calvin Harris.
Not that we’re saying that he’s copying Calvin Harris at all. Just that the songs are very similar. So similar that if you were to listen to one, you may think its Calvin Harris. Either way, no-one would think that this is a good model for a career would they? If you did, you would probably be sectioned. Who in their right mind would copy what an abusive partner does? Who would think “I know blud, I’ll slap the missus around a bit and then tell the press. They’ll think I’m the UK version of Chris Brown. Brrrap. Na na naa.” Hey Dappy!
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Jessie J was one of the big winners at the MoBO Awards in Glasgow, winning in four of the five categories she was nominated in and leaving music industry insiders asking “Who will win next year when everyone’s forgotten about Jessie J?”
Of course, hecklerspray would have brought you a nice report of the whole evening and maybe some lovely little interviews with some of the rich gits who were nominated. However, the PR Company for the ceremony (who will remain nameless for the simple reason that we can’t be bothered to go and look up their name) decided that you, the readers of hecklerspray, weren’t worthy of getting any first hand reports.
Hence the reason this report is full of wild conjecture and rude words. Blame the MoBOs; not us.
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Cher Lloyd, you remember her don’t you? She’s that one what didn’t win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it.
Well, she’s back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a hermaphrodite.
Lloyd was quoted as saying that Contos… Contstav… Tulisa has, “got balls,” a revelation that is sure to send the N-Dubz star nuts. Read More >>>
We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she’s never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don’t make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.
Even though the actual show hasn’t started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.
Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn’t be a PR stunt?
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As we get older, we often have to re-educate ourselves with all of this modern speak that the youth of society spit from their mouths. To us, being “from the streets” meant you were a homeless person who fished around in bins for scraps of food, stunk of ammonia and generally harassed people for a spare 20p for cider or drugs. Generally, tramps weren’t embraced with kisses and cuddles.
But, times changed and now if you are “from the streets”, it doesn’t mean you’re a homeless sort. Instead it’s the polar opposite as you’re considered a hip young thing who has grown up in areas of extreme poverty and witnessed all sorts of shocking events – like people tripping over cracks in the pavement.
Annoyingly, there is a growing trend for people to commit what they’ve seen to record. N-Dubz in particular have done this and pestered the ears of thousands. Our prayers have been partly answered as the band have announced a temporary split, hooray!
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