Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) ushers in another wave of pixel-powered doom, this time wiping out our collective brain cells with his latest movie of mass destruction.

2012 is one of those happy movies; on one hand, serving up a doom-laden prophecy of global annihilation and, on the other, making you utterly resent the characters who survived to rebuild mankind.

The plot can be summed up by an apt analogy; akin to spreading a tiny knife-edge’s worth of butter over a mile of (computer-generated) toast. When the onslaught of global obliteration begins, the plot really is a series of people avoiding cars/buildings/comets/water/dialogue to survive until the next scene.

You could argue that the whole purpose of such an entry in a genre that lacks any type of versatility is not to offer a timeless allegory, but to maximise bang for your buck. You could argue that. But after two and a half hours of this plump running time, though, the end of the world can’t come soon enough.

John Cusack makes for an amicable lead, offering the same type of quirky, off-beat casting that Goldblum, Broderick and Gyllenhaal did in the director’s previous world-ending efforts. Unfortunately, the tired old routine of the torn family and Cusack’s near robotic performance make the central ethos one-note.

It is a decent cast of supporting players, filled with character-actors who deliver the lines with gusto, but the script itself is filled with nothing more than leaden dramatics. In fact, it is a waste of such a talented cast, all having to play second-fiddle to a barrage of special effects that are neither particularly special nor effective. It is all stuff we have seen before, mainly in the director’s previous movies.

Now, this is an odd admission we must make, but this become such a plundering bore that before the halfway point, we fell asleep. What we missed is summed up in roughly seven words on Wikipedia. Seven words to describe half an hour of missing movie.

It’s hard to describe what a mess this film is. It’s bloated, absurd and devoid of any emotional connection. We actually felt sorry for one character, whose spouse found that roughly ten minutes was enough time to move onto another man after his demise. It’s one of those frustrating moments in film, that leave you bewildered at the sheer stupidity of the situation.

You may buy into this as a brainless action movie, the type film that’ll prove perfect Saturday night fodder, but it fails to engage on even the most primordial level. It has bangs for your bucks, but somehow, the enjoyment got buried beneath the rubble. This is the definition of a disaster movie.

‘Spray Rating: 1/5

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Never let it be said that we of hecklerspray are ever anything but right all the time. ALL THE TIME*.

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan‘s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.