Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Hot Australian Dannii Minogue is best known for her singing career. She found further success as a television personality judging both the UK and Australian X Factor shows, Australia?s Got Talent and Britain &?Ireland’s?Next Top Model. Oh, and you may have heard of her songstress sister, a lady who goes by the name of Kylie?
Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.
Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn?t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.
But, that's the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn't know. As if you didn't Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We?ll sort you out. Come here. It'll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.
It has been 8 months now, since we all obligingly sat down with a couple of friends, some choice lunch meats, and self loathing, and watched Matt Cardle furiously leaking into his corduroy jeans.
Oh, and won X Factor 2010.
Some would say the healing process after viewing this will need a considerably longer time frame. Every daily tabloid feature for the entire of 2011 would possibly argue otherwise. Yes, that’s it. X Factor is certifiably, and unequivocally ?BACK?. Which is just as well, because the hysteria over rivals down at C5 Celebrity Big Brother completely died the moment Kerry Katona earnestly admitted to Brian Dowling that her ?life has been a rollercoaster?.
We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she's never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don't make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.
Even though the actual show hasn't started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.
Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn't be a PR stunt?
Twitter has been a lovely device for sharks like us. We sit around staring idly at celebrity accounts, counting down from ten for when they start spouting off about things. The Osbourne Family, who aren’t exactly strangers to opening their mouths before kicking their tongues in gear are clearly perfect for the direct-line of social networking.
This week, it’s Kelly Osbourne who is letting rip in a seven-post-long rant defending her mum Sharon over claims made in Dannii Minogue?s new book.
We know! Dannii Minogue has a bloody book out! Can you believe it?
Cushion faced TV and media mollusc, Piers Morgan, is bafflingly successful. He’s a man of no discernible talent who, oddly, is asked for his opinion on popular culture despite the fact he looks like he’s dressed by the same tailor who throws clothes at Jeremy Clarkson.
As well as claiming to be good at stuff, he’s now claiming that it was in fact he who got Dannii Minogue pregnant. Imagine that? Imagine Piers Morgan hunkering down on Dannii Minogue. Think of each grotesque little squirting detail. Go on.
Anyway, I’m not sure having a fiddle over her ill-advised nudey calendar that she released in the late ’90s counts, eh Piers? Oh… hang on…?
There was a rumour floating around yesterday that Dannii Minogue had signed a brand new million-pound record deal.
You probably reacted just like we did – by losing all sense of perspective, wrapping yourself in as much carpet as you could find and trying to convince the operator of the nearest industrial woodchipper that you were actually a tree. The world is full of bad things, but none are quite as bad as the thought of Dannii Minogue becoming a singer again – not least a singer with an X Factor level of exposure.
Fortunately, though, it’s not true. Step down from the ledge. Switch off the gas. Remove the carpet. Dannii Minogue has denied the rumours. There is no record deal. But there is a clothing line, a reality show and a continued presence on X Factor, so it’s not all sunshine and monkeys.
10 – Like cheese? Like human breast milk? Then boy oh boy, have we got the perfect delicacy for you! – Monsters And Critics
9 – Like cats? Like puns? Like reading cat puns on your iPhone? Then boy oh boy, you probably need the Witty Kitty iPhone app! – Lobstur
8 – A website called Lazertits. Without exaggeration, it will change your life – LAZERTITS
7 – James Corden in ‘not very good’ shock – Watch With Mothers
Good news – the X Factor live finals are back! Better news – Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.
But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too – one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can't wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians.
But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let's have a wonderful recap, shall we?
What’s that smell?
Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man’s syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You’re bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like rating your partner’s performance in the sack.
No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You’ll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.
