Daniel Radcliffe Does Theatre Without Help From His Penis

The greatest theatrical double act in living memory – Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis – have split up.

We know. We’re heartbroken too. Between them, Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis could play anything – disturbing psycho-sexual melodramas, um… OK, actually Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis could only play disturbing psycho-sexual melodramas, but what a team they were. Between Daniel Radcliffe’s charisma and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis’s winning smile, they won audiences over across the world with their production of Equus.

But now, sadly, they’re no more. Daniel Radcliffe has decided to go it alone in an upcoming Broadway musical production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis, on the other hand, is thought to have signed up to be a recurring panellist on a wizard-themed comedy quiz show to be aired at 2am on Wednesday nights on BBC Three.

Harry Potter and the Witty Headline About Making Lots of Money

harry potter, the half blood prince, opening day, daniel radcliffe's penisWhat better way to cheer yourselves up in these times of economic strife than through the knowledge that something you have nothing to do with, nor could ever hope of having anything to do with, has made a crapload of money?

There is no better way, as Harry Potter and the Half Order of the Philosopher’s Hallows has shown us all by raking in more than $100 million in its first day on release.

Puts you in the perfect mood for a weekend, doesn’t it paupers!

But can Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Ha! We do know what it’s called!) possibly rake in even more cash to make you feel even more inadequate?

Yes. That’s a stupid question.