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Dancing With The Stars

Kelly Osbourne On ‘Dancing With The Stars More Famous Than Her’

by Stuart Heritage

Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.

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Everyone Wants Paula Abdul To Babble & Slur For Them

by Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul has always been a free agent – you can’t constrain her with things like rules or basic human logic.

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Shawn Johnson Keeping It Zipped About Her Boggle-Eyed Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

If we hate one thing about alleged mental stalkers with cars full of guns, it’s how they screw up your Paso Doble.

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Man Arrested For Liking Dancing With The Stars, Basically

by Stuart Heritage

How much should any man like watching Dancing With The Stars? Enough to remember that it even exists?

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Dancing With The Stars: Steve-O Hurts His Little Backy-Wacky

by Stuart Heritage

Steve-O is a man who, for a fairly large chunk of his career, made a living by stapling his balls to his thigh.

Steve-O is fearless. He sets his hair on fire. He lets people throw darts at him. He shoots fireworks out of his bottom with such confusing regularity that people often mistake him for Sydney Harbour Bridge. But even Steve-O’s boundless physical endurance has its limits, which is why he ducked out of last night’s Dancing With The Stars because he hurt his back.

Next week: Johnny Knoxville quits Hell’s Kitchen because an onion looks at him funny.

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Dancing With The Stars, Now Starring Less Dancing Stars

by Stuart Heritage

If you were looking forward to the new season of Dancing With The Stars because of Jewel, we have bad news.

You’re a disgrace to humanity. Really, Jewel? You like Jewel? What do you like about her, her rubbish poetry or the fact that she’s named after a shiny pebble? Honestly, people like you make us sick. Why don’t you grow up, yeah? Grow up and stop liking rubbish singers with stupid one-word names, yeah? You moron.

Oh, and also Jewel has pulled out of Dancing With The Stars because of injury. That was probably our original point, in retrospect.

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Get Ready For The Breakdowniest Dancing With The Stars Ever!

by Stuart Heritage

As good as Dancing With The Stars is, we’ve often felt that it hasn’t teetered on the brink of emotional breakdown enough.

But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

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Brooke Burke Wins Dancing With The Stars, So Hooray For That

by Stuart Heritage

The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet – sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it.

But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.

Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no – we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.

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Squeaking Boychild Cody Linley Out Of Dancing With The Stars

by Stuart Heritage

The Dancing With The Stars final is a week away – but it’s a final that’ll happen without Cody Linley from Hannah Montana.

Last night Cody Linley was voted out of Dancing With The Stars. Ostensibly this was because Dancing With The Stars viewers didn’t vote for Cody Linley, but in reality it was probably because episodes of Dancing With The Stars now last for 400 full years and all of Cody Linley’s fans are children and therefore get bored after three seconds and go and leave burning dog turds outside pensioners’ front doors or something.

But so what? Cody Linley might not be in the Dancing With The Stars final, but he’s got his whole life ahead of him. His whole life that’s already peaked by playing second-fiddle to Miley Cyrus on a gormless kid’s TV show and coming fourth-best on a competition that’s predominantly about spandex. So, yeah, good luck with that.

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Maurice Greene Gets Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Too

by Stuart Heritage

Maurice Greene – the man who’s a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good – is out of Dancing With The Stars.

This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.

And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.

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