Articles tagged with: Dancing With The Stars
Brooke Burke Wins Dancing With The Stars, So Hooray For That
The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet - sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it. But that's not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever. Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no - we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from 'N Sync and some other bloke we've never heard of. Our mistake.
The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet - sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it. But that's not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever. Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no - we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from 'N Sync and some other bloke we've never heard of. Our mistake.
Squeaking Boychild Cody Linley Out Of Dancing With The Stars
The Dancing With The Stars final is a week away - but it's a final that'll happen without Cody Linley from Hannah Montana. Last night Cody Linley was voted out of Dancing With The Stars. Ostensibly this was because Dancing With The Stars viewers didn't vote for Cody Linley, but in reality it was probably because episodes of Dancing With The Stars now last for 400 full years and all of Cody Linley's fans are children and therefore get bored after three seconds and go and leave burning dog turds outside pensioners' front doors or something. But so what? Cody Linley might not be in the Dancing With The Stars final, but he's got his whole life ahead of him. His whole life that's already peaked by playing second-fiddle to Miley Cyrus on a gormless kid's TV show and coming fourth-best on a competition that's predominantly about spandex. So, yeah, good luck with that.
The Dancing With The Stars final is a week away - but it's a final that'll happen without Cody Linley from Hannah Montana. Last night Cody Linley was voted out of Dancing With The Stars. Ostensibly this was because Dancing With The Stars viewers didn't vote for Cody Linley, but in reality it was probably because episodes of Dancing With The Stars now last for 400 full years and all of Cody Linley's fans are children and therefore get bored after three seconds and go and leave burning dog turds outside pensioners' front doors or something. But so what? Cody Linley might not be in the Dancing With The Stars final, but he's got his whole life ahead of him. His whole life that's already peaked by playing second-fiddle to Miley Cyrus on a gormless kid's TV show and coming fourth-best on a competition that's predominantly about spandex. So, yeah, good luck with that.
Maurice Greene Gets Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Too
Maurice Greene - the man who's a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good - is out of Dancing With The Stars. This isn't a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him - by our calculations - over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from 'N Sync. And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing - now that he doesn't have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that's running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we're wrong.
Maurice Greene - the man who's a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good - is out of Dancing With The Stars. This isn't a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him - by our calculations - over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from 'N Sync. And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing - now that he doesn't have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that's running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we're wrong.
Dancing With The Stars Loses Star Only Known To Unemployeds
Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it's time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies. And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she's a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can't afford to phone in votes for her. It's definitely one of those reasons, though. But don't worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That's something, right?
Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it's time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies. And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she's a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can't afford to phone in votes for her. It's definitely one of those reasons, though. But don't worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That's something, right?
Julianne Hough Is Dancing With The Weeping Appendix Scars
OK, so it's perfectly clear that Dancing With The Stars is a much more exciting proposition than Strictly Come Dancing. On Strictly Come Dancing, what have we got? A middle-aged woman from a coffee advert and the woman off The One Show. But on Dancing With The Stars it's a completely different matter. On Dancing With The Stars, people literally dance until their appendixes explode, and then they carry on dancing anyway. That's more or less what happened to Dancing With The Stars professional Julianne Hough, anyway - after being diagnosed with endometriosis last week, she's having her appendectomy today and hopes to be back dancing within a week, a date that incidentally coincides with the debut of new ABC series Dancing With The Oh God My Stitches Are Coming Undone, Oh God, Oh Jesus No, My Guts Are Seeping Through My Dress. Stay tuned, kids.
OK, so it's perfectly clear that Dancing With The Stars is a much more exciting proposition than Strictly Come Dancing. On Strictly Come Dancing, what have we got? A middle-aged woman from a coffee advert and the woman off The One Show. But on Dancing With The Stars it's a completely different matter. On Dancing With The Stars, people literally dance until their appendixes explode, and then they carry on dancing anyway. That's more or less what happened to Dancing With The Stars professional Julianne Hough, anyway - after being diagnosed with endometriosis last week, she's having her appendectomy today and hopes to be back dancing within a week, a date that incidentally coincides with the debut of new ABC series Dancing With The Oh God My Stitches Are Coming Undone, Oh God, Oh Jesus No, My Guts Are Seeping Through My Dress. Stay tuned, kids.
Toni Braxton Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Forever
As someone we vaguely remember from a decade ago, Toni Braxton is easily the most famous person on Dancing With The Stars. Actually, make that 'was'. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie. However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone - dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that's just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.
As someone we vaguely remember from a decade ago, Toni Braxton is easily the most famous person on Dancing With The Stars. Actually, make that 'was'. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie. However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone - dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that's just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.
Is Kim Kardashian Tottering Back Onto Dancing With The Stars?
When Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last week, the message was clear - Kim, your sex tapes are OK, but your dancing is bum. However, there's a sliver of a chance that we haven't seen the last of Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars yet, and it's all down to Misty May-Treanor's knackered Achilles tendon. Now that May-Treanor's out of Dancing With The Stars, Kim Kardashian is said to be awaiting her callback. And quite right - Kim's already been voted off Dancing With The Stars once, so her inevitably swift second elimination will just reaffirm how little America cares for her. But if she got a third call-up after that we'd worry - we get the feeling that only a marching band playing a tune called Nobody Likes You Kim and a firework display in the shape of a frown would make Kim Karadashian understand how people feel about her.
When Kim Kardashian was voted off Dancing With The Stars last week, the message was clear - Kim, your sex tapes are OK, but your dancing is bum. However, there's a sliver of a chance that we haven't seen the last of Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars yet, and it's all down to Misty May-Treanor's knackered Achilles tendon. Now that May-Treanor's out of Dancing With The Stars, Kim Kardashian is said to be awaiting her callback. And quite right - Kim's already been voted off Dancing With The Stars once, so her inevitably swift second elimination will just reaffirm how little America cares for her. But if she got a third call-up after that we'd worry - we get the feeling that only a marching band playing a tune called Nobody Likes You Kim and a firework display in the shape of a frown would make Kim Karadashian understand how people feel about her.
Kim Kardashian In Boo Hoo Hoo Dancing With The Stars Failure
We're red-blooded men, so if there's one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it's watching strangers have sex and then cry. Therefore, we've decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week. True, that means there's a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night's sleep.
We're red-blooded men, so if there's one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it's watching strangers have sex and then cry. Therefore, we've decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week. True, that means there's a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night's sleep.
