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Dancing On Ice

Dancing On Ice: Jessica And Zoe

by Stuart Heritage

Before we start looking at today’s Dancing On Ice contestants, we really should applaud Torvill and Dean.

Usually Torvill and Dean’s Dancing On Ice openings are flaccid displays of ego that just hold everything up and make the show five minutes longer than it needs to be. But not on Sunday – on Sunday their routine legitimately defied description. It was a sort of arctic gay-off that culminated in an actual rainstorm. Sadly Christopher Dean wasn’t struck by lightning at the end but, hey, maybe next time.

Anyway, on to the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon…

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Dancing On Ice: Donal MacIntyre

by Stuart Heritage

Sunday was our favourite Dancing On Ice of the entire series – it was Prop Night. Oh, how we love Prop Night.

And what daredevil props were the Dancing On Ice contestants given to work with? A set of flaming torches? Razor wire? That lion on ice skates that we wished for last week? No. In actual fact the props included a hat. And a scarf. And a stick. Well done, Dancing On Ice. They were the three most exciting things we could think of as well.

Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Donal MacIntyre…

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Dancing On Ice: Roxanne Pallett Sluts Off

by Stuart Heritage

Another week on Dancing On Ice, another week where Coleen Nolan inexplicably survives – Roxanne Pallett is out.

That’s not really a surprise – dressing up like a kind of porno version of I Dream Of Jeannie on a show primarily watched by middle-aged housewives is never a good tactical choice – but it’s still sad to see Roxanne Pallett leave Dancing On Ice. Especially since her prop last night was a chair that she barely got up from, making her just about the sexiest Ironside impersonator we’ve ever seen.

But with no more Roxanne Pallett, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan…

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Dancing On Ice: More Of That Smug Tart Ray Quinn

by Stuart Heritage

This is our last Dancing On Ice post of the week, so enjoy it. There won’t be any more until, oh God, Monday.

So what can we look forward to on Sunday’s show? Well, as we’re constantly being told, the bar keeps raising week after week. That means that the remaining Dancing On Ice contestants are going to have to toil like never before if they want to achieve the ultimate accomplishment of coming second to Ray Quinn.

Speaking of which, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown of Ray Quinn…

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Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

by Stuart Heritage

Does anyone else get the feeling that Dancing On Ice isn’t really trying any more?

We’re just asking because the required element on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was just rubbish. They had to skate on one leg, bend down, spin around and then stop. Hey, Dancing On Ice, that’s not what we want from our required elements. We want the required element to be a lion, on skates, chasing Ray Quinn around. Got that?

Here’s the Dancing On Ice review for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

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Dancing On Ice: Roxanne Pallet & Donal MacIntyre

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know about you, but we were shocked on Sunday. Shocked. The Dancing On Ice theme nights that we’ve been enjoying so much weren’t there at all on Sunday. Instead we had to make do with a choreographed interpretation of a Will Young song. Will Young, for crying out loud. The only choreographed interpretation [...]

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Dancing On Ice: Melinda Bounces Out

by Stuart Heritage

There’s no point kidding yourself, you knew this day was coming – Melinda Messenger has been voted off Dancing On Ice.

Not even being spun around one-handed ten feet in the air could save Melinda Messenger last night. It was inevitable – Melinda was just built wrong for skating. Her jaw is so perfectly square that the only way she could ever hope to find perfect balance would be to have her tits surgically implanted onto her arse, and that’d just be weird.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here’s our rundown for Coleen Nolan…

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Dancing On Ice: Poxy Old Ray Quinn

by Stuart Heritage

Look, we’ve been doing our best to ignore this, but it has become completely unavoidable, so here goes.

The point of these Dancing On Ice rundowns is to profile each contestant throughout the week. All of them. Even the ones we don’t like. Even the ones who look like berserk Chucky dolls on the rampage after a bizarre Pinocchio experiment turned them into real boys.

So, we’re sad to say, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…

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Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

by Stuart Heritage

Ready for some more Dancing On Ice action? Don’t answer that, we know you’re not. We were being rhetorical.

Anyway, now that Dancing On Ice has been going for a few weeks, we’re starting to see the required elements get harder and harder. On Sunday’s show, for example, the required element involved spinning around a for bit. We don’t know about you, but it’s death-defying stunts like that that make us proud to be British.

Here are the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

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Dancing On Ice: Coleen Nolan & Roxanne Pallet

by Stuart Heritage

Oh thank heavens – the Dancing On Ice theme nights have kicked in with aplomb, and not a moment too soon.

Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was themed around the 1980s, and for good reason. Not only was it the decade when Philip Schofield’s hair last didn’t make him look like the Werther’s Original grandpa, but it was also the last time on record that Torvill And Dean last dressed anywhere near their ages. Oh, happy times.

Anyway, here are our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Coleen Nolan and Roxanne Pallet…

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