Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.
Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.
Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.
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Just in case the return of the X Factor had left you in any doubt as to what season it is, the gods of reality TV have decided to point out to us all that it is September, and therefore it is Christmas.
And they’ve done this through the medium of celebrities in sequins grinding their genitals against poor, unsuspecting professional dancers. Apart from the huge amounts of wine and the chance to crush people’s souls with disappointingly awful presents, is one of hecklerspray’s favourite things about the neverending festive season.
Yes, Strictly Come Dancing is back, bringing with it all sorts of vitally important questions. Like who’ll cop off with their dancing partner, which is the only question we really care about. Our money’s on Edwina Currie. That woman willingly had sex with John Major. She clearly has no standards.
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So the economy is shrinking faster than hecklerspray’s love-orbs when listening to Richard Keys and Andy Grey discussing the finer points of Germaine Greer (and they would absolutely talk about her “finer” “points”, the horndogs. They really are the worst men on the whole entire planet, apart from all of the other men who talk like that all the time, don’t wear microphones for a living and aren’t suing their own vengeful bosses).
But never mind that: it’s nearly time for you to force open your prudently clamped shut wallet and liberally throw coins at your telly, in the hope that one will bounce off your empty Fosters can installation, arc beautifully through the dancing dust mites, hit the off button and save you having to bear another evening of Patrick Kielty making sincere mewling noises at African kids.
Comic Relief, eh? What a shower of arse.
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This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.
Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.
Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.
So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that? Read More >>>
Kelly Osbourne first appeared on the radar as a kinda-chunky potty-mouthed brat with daft hair and a house covered in dog-shit. Then, she releases a couple of singles and does a duet with her dad.
Then she almost disappeared.
Well, it seems that, in the interim, she’s been losing weight and now she wants us all to see it as a picture of her looking svelte in a bra appeared on Twitter. That’s not really that newsworthy… but the fact she joined the Pussycat Dolls is so weird that we really ought to relay it to you all. Read More >>>
Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him.
He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat.
Then he brought out a new album, ‘Here I Stand’, and – compared to his last one, ‘Confessions’, at least – it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label.
So what’s the solution when you’re known around the world, popular, good looking and – apparently – talented?
Why – sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records.
Aww, bless him.
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