This week’s uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Clothes on Film (cool site about clothes in movies. Goodness the editor is handsome)
• Edge of Darkness (Gibbo’s back like it’s 1995)
• David Lean in Close-Up with Jonathan Ross (BBC4, the only reason we pay a licence fee)
• Champagne price drop: pour it on your cereal (by Christmas a bottle of Moët will cost £15, or thereabouts. Possibly)
• Damien Hirst’s return to painting (critics say rubbish, so who cares what we think? It will irritate the hell out of people and that’s good enough for us)

Creased:

• PlayTV (you lose Freeview channels and the crappy PS3 remote can’t adjust volume on your telly. Nice menus though)
• Leona Lewis getting a slap (okay she’s annoying, but if that’s all the justification we need why didn’t someone just bat Lindsay Lohan or Peaches Geldof instead?)
• White Lies by Mr Hudson (this is why the Rusko remix works so well, because the original is downright dull)
• Robbie Williams on X Factor (pop stars singing live always sound cack, but blimey Robbie, it’s not like they put you on the spot)
• Star Wars The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes (far worse than you’ve read. Even worse than the film in fact)

December 26th of every year hecklerspray starts compiling its Christmas list for the next holiday season.

Thus far our 2008 compilation consists of things like a baby dolphin, a man-servant to drag said dolphin around and help make our parents jealous, and a life-size bust of George Michael‘s head made completely out of gold, diamonds and a deliciously nougatty center.

We’re 90% sure there’s a baby dolphin in a box under our mother’s bed, and we’ve noticed someone put man-servant.com on our internet browser’s favorites list, so we really think our first two examples are covered. As far as the gold and diamond Michael bust goes though – we’re quickly losing hope. The singer himself is said to be ordering the only one available.

It’s a good idea if you think about it though, because the statue can sit at the steering wheel with its eyes propped way open if he wanted another boozy parked car pass-out. That’ll mean less tickets.

The next time George Michael meets a congenial truck driver underneath a bush in the shady part of London, he’ll do so baring non-fleshy gifts. Sure, the fleshy gifts will probably be there too, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

Also, the next time he issues a public apology for injecting puppy blood under his hairline to tighten up his sagging scalp (or whatever), he may just do so through unmoving golden lips covered in specks of diamond.

That’s because rumour has it he’s going to get him a £1 million statue of his own fat head. If what we heard is right, the way Michael’s favorite sunglasses sit on the bust is gonna be the deal clincher.

We didn’t hear that. We did hear this (The Daily Star):

“The king of bling George Michael is to buy a £1million gold and diamond model of his face…Art lover George, 45, has already eyed up a £50m diamond encrusted skull by Damien Hirst, 43…A source revealed: “George is very keen on getting a gold and diamond- encrusted statue of himself. “He loves the idea of having something so permanent.””

A golden statue of George Michael’s stupid head. Nice. That’ll look real good on the coffee table next to his George Michael’s stupid-head tea set, his George Michael’s stupid-head actual tell-time table-clock, and the plaster cast of his dead dog’s balls.

That’s just what we imagine he has in his house.

Because he’s famous and sentimental. And eccentric.