In just a couple of hours, around thirty waving lunatics are going to be pelvic-thrusting their way into the Big Brother house.

We are going absolutely bananas with anticipation. Who will these people be? Will they be as pretty as the Northern lass from last year who immediately announced that she would never show another human being her breasts as she entered the house, then pretty much left with them both just hanging out? Or will they be more like the Scottish ballet guy who spat at people? We just don’t know. We just don’t know.

What we do know, however, is that some housemates are totally unforgettable. Remember these guys…

1. Tom McDermott, Series One

Famous for his strong Irish glare, Tom literally said nothing during his stint in the house. He demanded food by simply grabbing it from people’s hands, and it was only when a late afternoon massage gave him a full erection that we realised that he was an emotional character after all. He is a qualified brick layer.

2. Elizabeth Woodcock, Series Two

Not one to shout for attention, Elizabeth liked to communicate in just thin lipped smiles, or the occasional half-yawn. She once threw caution to the wind and explained to Dean that she thought sex was like a heightened form of communication. Cameras presumably cut away as Dean snorted at her, before dashing off to tell the others.

3. Lee Davey, Series Three

Lee was a gym member, who loved exercising so much that he’d had a Nike swoosh tattooed on his arm. Or his leg. One of the two. He spent most of the show asking girls what kind of sex they enjoyed, only with all the expression of a robot explaining that you must pay attention, a vehicle is reversing.

4. Steph Coldicott, Series Four

Where would series four have been without Steph? A small, brown haired thing, she was great. She used to wash things, and eat stuff. Sometimes she looked in the fridge, sometimes she didn’t look in the fridge. She was unpredictable, that Steph.

5. Vanessa Nimmo, Series Five

A softly spoken South African woman, Vanessa spent the notorious FIGHT NIGHT sitting quietly in another room, possibly reading a book. When she wasn’t alone in rooms, she could be found next to her best friend, Shell, simply nodding at whatever Shell just said.

6. Vanessa Layton-McIntosh, Series Six

Yes, another Vanessa. This time one who managed to go on strike for a whole fifty days before getting evicted. What did her strike involve? Not doing anything at all at any point. She was magnificent at it.

7. George Askew, Series Seven

George left it for around a week, before he gingerly stepped into Big Brother’s office to ask if he could go home now please. His impact on the house simply couldn’t be measured. Mikey missed him. Mikey missed him a bit.

8. Kara-Louise Horne, Series Eight

Everyone’s always going on about Brian Belo when they talk about Big Brother 8, but what about Kara-Louise huh? You know, Kara-Louise? The one with the two-tone fringe bit and the frightened eyes. What about her?

9. Dale Howard, Series Nine

Dale made just one mistake, and that was demanding to sexually approach any woman that got in his way during his pre-show interview. But, once in the house, he wasn’t a terrifying sexual predator at all. He was just a boy, staring into space, allowing his tongue to droop gently from his mouth.

This piece of GOLD was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment, who we couldn’t love any more than we currently do.

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They have yawned their way through the week only getting animated when nature called, yet it does seem slightly unreal that next week there will be no Dale – or, as an outside bet, no Stuart.

But with the odds changing regularly, who are we to say that Stu will remain an outside bet? To be perfectly sure, you’d have to check Paddy Power. But, to be honest, Stu will most likely remain an outside bet.

Dale has been there since day one and despite his yawn… yawn… lack of drive this week, he had been central to the show previously. This was especially true during his love-games with single mum Jen, who got booted out sharpish on Stuart’s arrival.

Now he’s wasted what is probably going to be his final week keeping the sofas warm and occasionally summoning up the energy to actually talk. Big Brother betting odds 1-25

Stuart was introduced to the show some time after it began, cruising into the BB compound on a bike to steal the girls’ hearts and crushing Dale’s hopes of being the beefiest hunk in there. Though in the end there were no stolen hearts.

One of the hunks must go – and Paddy Power reckon it’s Dale, seeing as Stu’s odds look a bit like this: Big Brother betting odds – 8-1.

So, who to win? If Dale goes, there will be ten housemates left. And here is our quick-glance guide on how they are likely to fair.

Darnell, currently in with a bloody good shout, may have upped his chances with his Sara antics. Big Brother betting odds ­- 7-2.

Mikey, the public’s favourite, may blindly walk away with title number nine. Big Brother betting odds 9-4.

Kat, despite being shrill and amazingly annoying, she does seem to have the public behind her. Big Brother betting odds – 10-3.

Rex, who has treated his girlfriend Nicole to his more distasteful traits since her late arrival in the house, may have cooked his goose with the fans. Big Brother betting odds – 12-1.

Rachel, the target of Rex’s bullying, got a lovely message from mum this week and cried… Bless! Big Brother betting odds – 5-1.

Lisa, mummy of the house, will make the final day before leaving first. Big Brother betting odds – 14-1.

Mo, the afro kid with the big belly has chomped his way through this BB. Will go before the final day. Big Brother betting odds – 40-1.

Sara, the Aussie target of Darnell’s affections, may be an outside bet for the title. Especially if the flirtation with D continues. Big Brother betting odds – 20-1.

Nicole… yawn… did you put her in just to wind Rex up, BB? Big Brother betting odds – 66-1.

Put them all up next Friday BB, let’s get rid of some more dead wood. Don’t forget that the odds are likely to have taken a big hit after tonight’s eviction and the weekend’s antics could change everything a great deal more – check with Paddy Power to see where things are headed.

Story By Richard Hughes

Thank God for Rex and Nicole. At least their arguments are keeping things interesting while the dullest eviction ever is played out.

While we’re waiting to see which of the beefcakes go – the one with the stupidity and the hat, or the one with the stupidity and the shaved nipples – why not have a look at the latest eviction odds on Paddy Power.

Dale is odds-on big style to go, of course. He will leave the house to the sound of tumbleweeds rolling across the Big Brother compound we should imagine. Since Jennifer left Dale has become the most pointless housemate in history; no wonder he is such a big favourite to go. Slap a quid on and you’ll win five pence. Wow, that’s a bet and a half – as pointless as Dale himself. Big Brother betting odds – 1-20

Stuart, the second most pointless housemate, is the best of this bad bunch – can two be a bunch? Eye candy for the ladies and probably some of the boys, at least Stuart’s yawns are slightly comedic. Has there been a clip this week when Stuart has been yawning? It’s sure to help his odds.

After making it clear to everyone that he wanted to be up for eviction and garnering their votes, while tactically voting himself into position too, Stuart is now in for a shock: the chances of him going are almost zilch. At 7-1, you could make a pretty penny if a miracle did happen and he was sent on the long walk up those BB stairs. But it ain’t going to happen. Seriously, it ain’t. Big Brother betting odds – 7-1

Let’s hope Rex and Nicole’s arguments continue to keep the interest going until this eviction is done and dusted. But, hang on, she was threatening to walk out last night – right there, live on E4, she said she wanted to go.

Don’t do it. Don’t go. Don’t leave us with another pining housemate. “If you go I’ll go,” said Rex. Yeah right.

We don’t believe that for a minute.

Tomorrow: we will see if she has walked and whether he has followed – and we’ll get to have another look at the fascinating lives of Dale and Stuart. That’s as long as they haven’t slipped into comas, of course.

Mind you, that might make them interesting. Kill your boredom with a look at the latest eviction odds at Paddy Power.

Story By Richard Hughes

To be honest, we couldn’t give a toss here which one goes – both of them are boring the pants off us. Watching sulky Stuart lounge about and yawn every now and again is about as interesting as picking at the fluff on a jumper, while Dale’s spontaneous bursts of laughter are about as interesting as a sponge floating on top of the washing-up water.

Even so, these boring idiots can be put to good use by making you some money at Paddy Power, with the latest Big Brother eviction odds.

Dale – The other day Dale found Mikey stuffing a pig’s trotter down his trousers to form a camel toe the funniest thing ever. No Dale, it wasn’t the funniest thing ever, and you rolling around on the sofa repeating the phrase ‘camel toe’ like a child chanting: ‘He said poo! He said poo!’ over and over again just made us feel slightly sad, even embarrassed for you. Big Brother betting odds – 1-14

Stuart – How did Stuart get away with voting tactically? Can someone tell us this? Since when have housemates been able to vote for their friends so that they aren’t risking their up-for-nomination-status? Never, at least as far as we can recall. His ‘valid reasons’ didn’t actually have the vital ‘valid’ aspect to them.

If he had been forced to give proper reasons, maybe he would have had to become nasty Stu to get nominated. Hinting all week for people to vote for him, then he wanders into the diary room and twists Big Brother around his little finger. Next thing you know, he’s up for nomination without hurting anyone’s feelings. The boring twit. Big Brother betting odds – 13-2

This has to bee the worst week for nominations so far. The housemates from hell failed a task they were never likely to pass and therefore lost their right to nominate, while Rex’s sultry squeeze – annoying airhead Nicole – was never even allowed to take part.

And talking of Nicole, how boring is she? Like a sloth at a slumber party, she’s making one hell of an impression.

While we’re waiting for the worst eviction ever to be over with, let’s take a look at the two top runners to win this year’s competition.

Mikey – The young Scot managed the comedy moment of the week by pouring mushed-up Brussels over his head after aborting the sprout-eating task, which only he made a fist of, remains the favourite to win the show. Big Brother betting odds – 11-4.

Kat – Oh she of the annoying squeaky voice is still second favourite. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1.

Tomorrow: we get to see if Stu and Dale have affected their chances of being booted out of the house when we look at more eviction odds! But in the meantime you can keep an eye on affairs over at Paddy Power.

Story by Richard Hughes.

While Mikey has turned into a human sprout machine – after first refusing to take part in the task, he then decided the best way to chomp his way through 100 sprouts by chewing them up and turning the into some kind of sprout soup. Disgusting!

So Mikey remains favourite to win this BB, which Kat and Darnell his biggest rivals. But what of the others? How do they fair in the Paddy Power stakes?

Dale: Dale is Mr Smugly Genuine – so will glide through to the final week, but then crash and burn for being far too irritatingly nice. Never trust a nice guy, especially if they have designer stubble they fashion with a pair of scissors. Big Brother betting odds – 11-1.

Stuart: Poor old Darnell. Stuart has stolen his bird and broken his precious heart. Pass me the bowl of sprouts and the biggest sick bag you can find please. Stuart and Sara are BB’s latest love match, and it’s Darnell who suffers this time, relegated to sleeping on the sofa to avoid having to put up with their smooching in the bedroom. Big Brother Betting odds – 11-1.

Sara: As if Sara was going to chose Darnell over slick Stu. The Aussie man-trap has made her decision and it’s the hunk she’s wants. Darnell was devastated and stormed out of the bedroom liked a spoiled little boy, leaving Stu to savour the moment by frolicking under the sheets with the wide mouthed slapper. Her maneuvers may have hit her in the title stakes – not that she was ever a real threat to the big guns Kat and Darnell anyway – and she may have just given Darnell a bit of a boost in sympathy market. Keep your money in your pockets. Big Brother betting odds – 22-1.

Rachel: Is Rachel playing a game or not? Her decision to give everyone else their letters, rather keep her own, showed she is willing to do things without looking for kudos from the housemates. However, the viewing public may have picked up on her weepy diary room antics and taken her for the cynical game-playing bitch she might be, but after being bullied by Rex she may have picked up some sympathy votes. Big Brother Betting odds – 5-1.

Mohamed: At 50-1 it seems Mohamed has cooked his goose. There seems to be little interest in BB’s human dustbin anymore. He is as unlikely a winner as Prince Charles is a pole dancer. He may make it to the last day before getting the boot though. Big Brother Betting odds – 50-1.

Tomorrow: It’s nominations time. But you can quench your betting thirst before that by heading over to Paddy Power and checking out the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Story by Richard Hughes.

Instead, the Big Brother housemates who will all be holding their sphincters in as tightly as possible at about 10:30 tonight are Kat, Darnell, Dale, Stuart, Mohamed, Luke, Rex and Rachel. One of them has to go. We know. Just one. Life sucks, doesn’t it?

So here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Luke, Dale, Rachel, Rex and Stuart for you to work backwards with, courtesy of Paddy Power…

Luke – Luke was one of the Big Brother housemates to be nominated for eviction before all this football nonsense came along and made us have to write about four times as many housemates as we wanted to. Will the Big Brother viewers remain loyal to the housemates’ original choices? Probably not. Are we past the point of caring at the moment? Yup. Current Big Brother betting odds – 1/6

Dale – Dale is overwhelming the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tonight because, well, because he’s a staggering tossbasket. He was a useless Big Brother head of house, he’s clearly a bit too in love with himself and he definitely deserves to be evicted tonight, if only for the heartbreaking look on his face when he realises that Jennifer isn’t there and that she doesn’t love him any more. That’d be television gold almost on the level of Tonightly, the brand new top-notch, very funny show that immediately follows the Big Brother eviction on Channel 4 tonight. Ahem. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Rachel – As perfectly obvious as it is that Rachel is lovely and the victim of needless bullying in the Big Brother house, there’s a part of us that half-expects her to be evicted tonight. Two reasons for this: 1) there’s a slowly-growing backlash building against Happy House, of which Rachel is a chief member, and 2) people are mostly idiots. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Rex – Rex, despite building a smidge of a following round these parts, absolutely threw it all away this week when, after watching the Big Brother intro tapes, he rounded on Rachel and made her cry. Rex says Rachel is a fake and a phony, but it’s better to be a fake than a braying, arrogant twunt. Right everyone? Everyone? We’re the only ones who care about this, aren’t we? Fiddlesticks. Current Big Brother betting odds – 8/1

Stuart – And then there’s Stuart, who was head of the Big Brother house this week until his cockheaded idea to discuss nominations by cackhandedly assigning each housemate a football team backfired. That’s one more thing to cry about, isn’t it Stuart, along with the way that nobody loves you and you miss your daughter and boo hoo hoo hoo hoo mer mer mer. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Next week: More Big Brother betting odds. What did you expect? But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Although the Big Brother eviction was just meant to be between Dale and Luke, a bunch of other housemates decided to discuss nominations in the form of hopeless football metaphors that even a child could decode. So that means that Dale, Luke, Darnell, Kat, Maysoon, Mohamed, Rachael, Rex and Stuart are all up for Big Brother eviction this week. We’ll be discussing that tomorrow, you lucky dogs.

But today, who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Although his tenure as head of the Big Brother house was almost totally worthless, it did manage to change Dale’s personality completely. Prior to that, Dale was stuck in a silently lovesick fug over Horrible Jen, but now he actually speaks! Granted, about 85% of everything that Dale ever says is “Fookinell, this is so shit,” but it’s a start. A couple more weeks of this progress and Dale might even be onto fully comprehensible sentences. That’ll be the real test of his mettle, given that the majority of his brainspace is currently used to think nice things about his own hair. Throw ‘coherent speech’ into the mix and he might have an aneurysm. Current Big Brother betting odds – 6/1

Darnell – Never have we ever wanted anyone to fail at anything more than Darnell at Big Brother. It’s not that we dislike him as such – in a social situation, he’d probably last a tiny bit longer than most Big Brother housemates before we lost our shit and tried to strangle him – but he’s taking Big Brother so seriously that it’d be incredible fun to see him chewed up and spat out by the public. The man wants to win so much it’s obscene – his sulky reaction to the news of his nomination last week, followed by the paranoid reflections on his position in the house and gauchely triumphant crowing after he won are testament to that. So let’s get Darnell out now, partly for a laugh and partly so that dreadful Cookie Love song never ever gets played on the radio. Ever. You know we’re right. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/2

Luke – The sight of Rebecca snogging Mohamed, although it resembled a scene from the forthcoming remake of Species starring only heinously ugly people, will be remembered as one of the most profoundly important moments in Luke’s life. If we’re right about this, it’ll be thought of as the moment when Luke won Big Brother. The look of gut-wrenching misery that flashed across his eyes as Rebecca lunged at Mohamed’s mouth caused a million hearts to break at once up and down the country. And then when Luke said that he felt sick… well, in retrospect that probably had more to do with all the raw eggs he’d been forced to eat, but it still sounded good, didn’t it? That’s why, despite the odds, we’re guessing that Luke will emerge as the winner of this year’s Big Brother. We might be wrong of course – Luke is still is useless twat who annoys the shit out of us, after all. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Kat – OK, OK, we get it. Kat’s the favourite to win Big Brother. We really wish she wasn’t – with such a tiny amount of development going on inside her cookie-obsessed, perfectly spherical brain, we’ve completely run out of things to say about her. This week Kat ate an egg that tasted bad. Woo! Kat to win and etc. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Why? Don’t you see? It means that hardly anyone got to see Belinda! And the fewer people who are aware of Belinda, the less chance we have of ever hearing from her again! It’s not quite the humane abattoir-style stun-gun and throat-slit dispatch we’d envisioned, but it’s close enough.

Anyway, we’ll get to Darnell, Mohamed and Rebecca tomorrow – because they’re all up for eviction this week – but for now, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Jennifer has been out of the Big Brother house for long enough to simultaneously whap her norks out like a slapper in Nuts magazine and tell the world that she doesn’t fancy Dale in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean that Dale has forgotten about her. On the three occasions that Dale has actually spoken this month, two of them have been lovelorn Jen-centric sighs. It makes us want to evict Dale from Big Brother immediately, to be honest, because we enjoy seeing pretty boys have their hearts trampled into mush on live TV. The one other time that Dale spoke, by the way, was when he decided to become head of the Big Brother house. And hasn’t that worked out swimmingly? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Darnell – They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, but it turns out that a desultory amount of obviously token power can turn you into a full-on wanker as well, as proved last week when Darnell became head of the Big Brother house. Swept in on the power of an unnervingly sincere campaign speech, Darnell absolutely fell to shit within moments of being appointed. The casual misogyny was almost immediate, ordering people to cook him dinner and then refusing to eat it came soon after, and the Gollum-style tantrum he threw when the power was taken away from him was astounding. Frankly, we’re starting to feel that Darnell would turn into a brutal megalomaniac if you gave him control of a watering can, so let’s all agree never to let him win Big Brother. Deal? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – We’re still utterly incapable of working out why Luke is riding so high in these Big Brother betting odds. Is it because he’s the underdog? Because he’s got a funny-looking girlfriend? Because he speaks with the patter of a deeply untrustworthy used car dealer? If any of you actually like Luke, please leave a comment explaining why. We’re stumped. All we can see is a scrawny little bugger who won’t stop complaining about every little thing that happens to him and seems so depressed that he occasionally has to kiss a fat girl in the same way a self-harmer might slash away at their arms to give themselves something worse to feel. Honestly, we think we need your input here. Badly. Current Big Brother betting odds – 3/1

Kat – If you’ve been reading these Big Brother betting odds for the last couple of weeks then you’ll have noticed that we’ve been starting to get a little bit bored of Kat. But don’t worry, because we’ve reversed our decision – a couple of days ago we realised that Kat doesn’t actually have any joints in her arms or legs and we laughed for about seven hours solid about it. And Kat cried a lot because she ate a secret banana. So, yes, Kat to win Big Brother again please. It might sound like we’re being dangerously fickle, but it probably says a lot about this year’s Big Brother that a fat stiff-limbed foreigner eating a banana stands out as a feelgood moment of the series. Current Big Brother betting odds – 15/8

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Friday’s eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Who gets your vote to go? Is it Belinda, perhaps the most annoying Big Brother housemate left this year; or Rex, who’s much less annoying but only because he’s basically just a big waste of massive ginger skin? Oh, let’s just evict them both. And when we say ‘evict’ we mean ‘waterboard’. And when we say ‘both’ we mean ‘all Big Brother housemates.’ Let’s waterboard all Big Brother housemates.

Eviction betting odds tomorrow, but for now – who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Dale? In the top four Big Brother housemates? Can’t people see that he’s clearly a clueless poopot whose only two settings are ‘monosyllabic mumbling’ and ‘violently angry yelling’? Actually, that’s a total lie – since Jennifer stopped being able to make him do her dirty work by fluttering her idiot eyelashes, Dale’s stopped with the violently angry yelling. That just leaves monosyllabic mumbling, then, which Dale as been eager to do pretty much constantly for the last fortnight. Woo! Dale to win! Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/1

Darnell – This week Darnell was crowned Head of the Big Brother house – a role that came with many difficult responsibilities. And, since Darnell is given to regular bouts of paranoia and naval-gazing, most were expecting him to crack under the pressure and do that epileptic monkey thing that he does when he’s stressed out. But, although Darnell kept his cool, the decisions he made as Big Brother house head have clearly gained him a few enemies. Does this mean that Darnell is done for? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – Luke went into the Big Brother house a scrawny, nervy geek of a boy, but thanks to his new romance with Rebecca he’ll leave it a man. A scrawny, nervy geek of a man, but a man nonetheless. A man who seems to have inadvertently picked up a girlfriend who screams and drinks and takes her top off in front of an audience of millions at the drop of a hat. A man who must surely be worried that said girlfriend will bite his head off and eat it right after they have sex for the first time. A man who seems to deeply regret all of the above. But it’s boosted Luke’s chances of winning Big Brother considerably. And what’s a lifetime of misery compared to a plaudit like that? Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Kat – This was inevitable, we suppose, and it’s with a heavy heart that we report this to you, but is anyone else getting a little bit bored of Kat? We know it’s a borderline sacrilegious thing to suggest, but lately Kat hasn’t been acting like a technicolour spazzed-out cartoon character as much as before. If anything, she’s starting to act like a normal person. What the hell is that all about? Normal behaviour and discussions about feelings are crap. We want to see a funny fat foreigner make orgasm noises because someone’s shown her a picture of a biscuit! Do more of that, Kat, and we’ll start to think your position as favourite to win Big Brother is justified again. OK? Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

But aside from amateurish attempts to blow everyone up, what’s been going on in the Big Brother house lately? Not a lot, to be honest. There’s been a lot of talk of energy and spiritualism and out of body experiences, which has made Big Brother seem a lot like one of those crappy hippy shops that sells crystals and beads and rubbishy African frogs carved from driftwood. In short, it’s terrible. And now they’ve put an Australian in, which is hardly bloody helping things, is it?

But who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Sara, Belinda, Mario and Rachel, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Poor old Dale. He may have initially wanted to ‘nail’ all the ‘fanny’ in the Big Brother house at the start of the series, but now he’s proved himself to be a big soppy puppydog. Jennifer, the married single mother love of his life, is no longer in the Big Brother house, and all Dale can do is mope about forlornly all the time. Or can he? The arrival of the three new Big Brother girls obviously threw Dale into a spiral of internal confusion, as his primitive fanny-nailing id wrestled with his lovey-dovey Jen-worshiping superego so hard that we thought for a moment that Dale was about to have a stroke. It’ll be interesting to see at which point Dale cracks and leaps on one of the new girls – chances are it’ll be hours rather than days. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Sara – Sara is the Big Brother contestant who looks like Angelina Jolie. A bit. If you squint. In the dark. And so far that seems to be her sole personality trait. Honestly, if it wasn’t for her vague resemblance to a famous actress, then Sara would be more vapour cloud than person. Up until now, Sarah’s most interesting story has been about her middle name, which she’s embarrassed about because it’s so horrible. It’s Lorraine, by the way. Which isn’t especially horrible. Fingers crossed that Sara does something interesting soon, because if we’re being forced to listen to her horrific voice bleat on incessantly about nothing at all for no reason then we’re going to lose our temper quicksmart. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Belinda – Rounding out the three new Big Brother housemates is Belinda, who differs from the other two because she’s not especially pretty and she has a personality. Oh boy, does she have a personality. Basically a walking pair of jazz hands, Belinda’s vocabulary consists of nothing but the lyrics to every piece of musical theatre of the last 100 years and her own name repeated very quickly several times in a row. She’ll either turn out to be wonderfully endearing or a supreme irritant, but in her entrance piece it was revealed that Belinda once spent two years in a wheelchair. That makes her the John Locke of Big Brother, doesn’t it? Maybe that means she’ll end up throwing a knife into Mario’s back one night. We can but hope. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Mario – Mario’s inexplicable rise to the top of the Big Brother betting odds continues apace, and we’re terrified. It just defies all logic – even if the Mario appreciation is ironic, which we suspect it is, Mario doesn’t possess anything like the self-awareness needed to understand that. He even brags about his fan club, which we suspect is comprised of two old ladies who started it out of pity because they saw Mario’s face and assumed that Sylvester Stallone’s face had been attacked by a swarm of jellyfish. Anyway, it’s been business as usual for Mario lately – he’s whined about more or less everyone in the house, spoken condescendingly to more or less everyone in the house and somehow managed to improve his Big Brother betting odds. You people are weird. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Rachel – Rachel’s had us on the edge of our seats this week – we’ve been anticipating the moment when she’ll finally do something that’s even slightly interesting. She’s still keeping us waiting, the big tease. It’s been a month now – any longer and we’ll have to start assuming that Rachel is just a hopelessly dull human being. Actually, that’s a lie – Rachel does have a handy purpose in the house. She’s the subject of more bafflingly spiteful bitching than anyone else. Although she’s essentially a good-natured girl trying to promote a harmonious atmosphere, Mario, Lisa, Luke and Rebecca just can’t stop giving her verbal thrashings behind her back every day. One day we hope that Rachel manages to show us why she’s so disliked. Or anything. Anything at all would be nice. Current Big Brother betting odds – 20/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Mikey, Rex, Luke, Darnell and Kat. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Why? Because Sylvia, the Sierra Leone civil war refugee who obviously wanted to hump everything that moved, was evicted from Big Brother on Friday night.

And since the eviction came hours after Dennis, the obnoxious Scottish gay one, was removed from the house for spitting in Mohamed’s face, the atmosphere between the Big Brother campers is as poisonous as it’s ever been. But, lord, emotional trauma is so entertaining.

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are our Big Brother betting odds to win for Lisa, Jennifer, Stuart and Dale, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa – Interesting that, of all the honking self-interested shitbags in the Big Brother house this year, it’s Lisa who’s been deemed least likely to win. Why’s that? Our only guess is that it’s because whenever there’s an argument anywhere in the house, you know it’s a matter of time before Lisa ploughs into the middle of it. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except that Lisa’s voice is so simultaneously booming and shrill that dentists could use it to remotely dislodge tartar. Plus, as we’ve said before, we’re pretty sure the sight of Lisa kissing Mario with tongues more or less instantly sterilised us. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Jennifer – Meanwhile, Jennifer might have just become our least favourite Big Brother housemate of the year. To be fair, she was getting there already because of the way that a) when she talks she looks exactly like a grass-chewing cow and b) she’s clearly a bit of a slag, but after last Thursday’s argument that led to Dennis’ removal from the Big Brother house, she’s front and centre. It’s not so much because she cried when Rex smudged her rubbish drawing; more because she cried for about three hours about it and started saying things like “You wouldn’t be allowed to do that in an art gallery.” Which is true, you wouldn’t be allowed to do that in an art gallery, but that’s because art galleries are full of art and not creatively invalid, woefully-deformed doodles of what appear to be a pile of logs with nipples and a face. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Stuart – For a week we thought there was nothing to Stuart other than a six pack and a hopelessly mis-informed make-up job. But how wrong we were – it turns out that there’s actually a six pack, a hopelessly misinformed make-up job and quite a nasty temper, as demonstrated during Thursday night’s Big Brother argument. It’s one thing to get aggressive, but quite another to get aggressive because a boy accidentally touched a girl’s drawing and ever so slightly smudged it. That little outburst has seen Stuart labelled as a bully, and his Big Brother betting odds have taken a tumble as a result. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Dale – Of course, compared to Dale, Stuart looks like Archbishop Desmond Tutu. That’s because, while Stuart lost his temper during Thursday’s argument, Dale had the kind of gibbering violent meltdown we’ve only really seen monkeys  do during the first scene of 28 Days Later. He looked like he was going to attack Rex. Then he looked like he was going to attack Mohamed. Then he almost attacked Mohamed again the following day – if this keeps up then Dale will be removed from the Big Brother house long before he gets the chance to be evicted. Still, though..  thick as shit, emotionally unstable, constantly on the verge of lashing out and hurting somebody – at least Dale’s going to make a model PE teacher. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Rex, Mario, Rebecca and Mohamed. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

What’s been happening in the world of Big Brother so far? Well, new boy Stuart continues to make waves by looking a bit like a vinyl sex doll and getting Sylvia all sad because he doesn’t want to jam his tongue into her gob quite as much as she wants to with him.

Speaking of tongues – Mario and Lisa, stop it now. Just stop it. Watching you play Spin The Bottle recently was like watching a hungry dog gnaw the face off its dead owner. It’s horrible. Stop it.

Anyway, Mohamed and Sylvia are up for Big Brother eviction this week, but we’ll get to that in due time. Meanwhile, here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Dale, Rex, Stuart and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed - First time we clapped eyes on Mohamed we assumed that he’d be the personality-strapped everyman who ends up in the final because nobody likes or dislikes him enough to remember him come nominations day, but how wrong we were.

Turns out that Mohamed is a cross-dressing wildcat responsible for one of Big Brother’s most controversial moments so far – when he wore something slightly feminine and Alex went batshit at him for it. Yeah, Mohamed’s a live one and no mistake. He’s one you either love, hate or, in this case, neither like or dislike enough to have an actual opinion either way. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Dale – Oh Dale, you’re so dreamy, what with your Disney eyes and just-lazy-enough beard and your hopelessly misogynistic attitudes to women. Why can’t all men be like you? Dale, you’ll remember from Big Brother day one, wants to ‘nail’ all the ‘fanny’ in the Big Brother house. However, confronted with the disgusting truth that the Big Brother fanny this year is either obese, worryingly masculine, shell-shocked from a civil war or attached to genuinely awful people, Dale has since decided to focus on Jennifer, the tenth-grade Cheryl Cole lookalike single mother. Trouble is, Jennifer’s an idiot and it looks like she’ll be evicted from Big Brother way before Dale. In fact, we should all gang up and evict all the women from Big Brother first this year, just to see the inevitable sight of Dale sitting by the pool masturbating and crying. Deal? Current Big Brother betting odds – 22/1

Rex – An an executive chef – whatever that means, making pies out of spreadsheets or something we think – Rex needs to be decisive and charismatic and authoritative. Or it means that he can be neither so long as daddy owns the restaurant. Which he does. That’s why Rex has made such a startlingly dull impression in the Big Brother house so far. This far into Big Brother, all we really know about Rex is that a) he’s named after any number of fictional dogs, b) he has a stupid monotone voice, and c) he’s ginger. What a monotone ginger dog-named tit. Current Big Brother betting odds – 18/1

Stuart – As Alex’s Big Brother replacement, Stuart needed to be the exact opposite of the removed housemate, and he more or less is. Where Alex was female, Stuart is male. Where Alex was a bit funny-looking, Stuart used to be a model. Where Alex was ferociously outspoken, Stuart looks as if he’s never had a single original thought in his entire life other than ‘mmmm, being me is so delicious‘. First impressions seem to be that Stuart is basically Dale with slightly longer eyelashes, and he’s already succeeded in turning the Big Brother females all moony. Maybe there’s more to Stuart than what’s on the surface, but we don’t want to break the surface in case we get squirted in the eye with liquid smug. Current Big Brother betting odds – 20/1

Rebecca - Big Brother lore dictates that every year there must be one fat girl from a small town who everyone can laugh at because they’re fat and think London is sexy and exotic instead of depressing and full of arseholes, and this year it’s Rebecca. However, there’s so much more to Rebecca than that. She screams! She’s abnormally fast to take her clothes off! She’s, um, fairly interesting when it comes to karaoke! She’s been in Big Brother jail! She’s… no, actually that’s about it. There is literally nothing to Rebecca other than those things. Will she win Big Brother? Do you care? Current Big Brother betting odds – 16/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Rachel, Darnell, Luke, Mikey and Kathreya. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.