Fashion designers are a funny breed aren’t they? No other profession is full of characters that are religiously followed and praised for their movements. Do you monitor the work your local builder does? Course you don’t you arrogant tool. Do you keep up to date with what a professional footbal- oh.

All you have to do is say the name Marc Jacobs and people who know their stuff will tell you that you won’t be able to fill a wardrobe full of his creations for less than £30. That’s more for the fashion ‘working class’ like us, who’ll have to stick to Primark onesies and tear-stained sweatshirts.

A jumper from Marc Jacobs is likely to set you back £400+. All because people are morons and pay the price for organic, free range camel pubes. You know, as opposed to those ones you get from battery camels.

Designers also like to try new ideas. Perfumes are an easy market to break into as all you have to do give the product a snazzy name, create a fancy bottle and shoot a sexy advert. Two of the three steps were followed by Marc Jacobs, but there was a small issue with the use of model Dakota Fanning.

Star of movies such as Man On Fire, Dakota Fanning still hasn’t reached her twenties yet but has seemingly been in “the business” (not that business) for around thirty years. Is she the Peter Pan of actresses? We say this because everytime she appears in a big screen flick, Fanning always seems to play a timid child or emotionally stunted young women.

Due to the child like appearance of Fanning, it clearly struck a chord with the casting agency who were looking for someone to promote the badly named fragrance “Oh, Lola!” Take a look why don’t you?

That image is from The Daily Mail. They were so outraged that they felt the need to show the offending picture so that their readers could be truly outraged. Why have we done it?

We’re sick.

According to the ASA who govern British advertising, they believe that any bloke looking at that advert will start dribbling manically and roam the streets so they can find female prey to sexually molest. Well, that’s the message we got anyway. That was just us reading between the lines. The ASA released a statement saying:

“We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative.”

Looking a little closer, the bottle was nestled precariously close to her lady garden and because Dakota’s surname sounds extremely like the word ‘fanny’, we can only assume that the prudes out there in advertising land nearly collapsed into a coma with so much filth flying around at the one time. Brilliantly, it seems that people behind the Marc Jacobs admit to creating a paedophilic look for their brand. Someone from the ASA said, in a very stern tone:

“We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence.”

Imagine if Michael Jackson was alive and releasing dodgy merchandise? The poor children sleeping over at Neverland would just be thinking they were taking part in an innocent photoshoot; all before being used as part of sexy labelling for soup, crayons and carpet cleaner.

Chilling.

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The stars of Twilight are starting to realise that breaking away from Twilight will be harder than they thought.

Look at Robert Pattinson. His new film Remember Me limped into the lower quarters of the weekend box office on Sunday precisely because he wasn’t playing a creepy old vampire who keeps trying to have it off with schoolgirls. And, admit it, it’s only a matter of time before Taylor Lautner gives up acting to become a full-time dancer for gay chatline commercials.

But Kristen Stewart? She knows that the only way to secure an audience for herself post-Twilight is to dabble in half-hearted lesbianism every now and then. That’s why – ahead of her new film where she kisses Dakota Fanning – Kristen Stewart has called Lady Gaga ‘hot’. It’s controversial – not because of the lesbian implications, but because only an idiot would think that Lady Gaga is hot.

We don’t read much Twilight fan-fiction – because a) we’re adults and b) to our knowledge, nobody has ever written a piece of Twilight fan-fiction where all the principal characters get locked in a metal trunk and buried in the desert – but we’d imagine that most of it would be about Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner getting it on with each other. Increasingly, though, it looks like that’s way off the mark – because if any same-sex Twilight stars are going to hook up, it’ll be Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning.

Outside of Twilight – where Kristen Stewart plays Bella and Dakota Fanning presumably plays the creepy-eyed child vampire who weirds everyone out whenever she talks (we haven’t seen it) – Kristen and Dakota are set to star in The Runaways, the film where nothing happens for ages and then Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss even though they’ve both got really crap haircuts.

The kissing scene is a brilliant ploy. It’s essentially Kristen Stewart showing that she doesn’t just want to make films for chubby, incontinent teenagers any more. She wants to make films for chubby, incontinent lesbian teenagers. If she has to kiss the freaky toddler from War Of The Worlds, then so be it. And if she has to pretend that she finds Lady Gaga attractive as well, then so be that too. MTV reports:

“She’s really hot,” Kristen Stewart told MTV News about Gaga. “She’s got a look.” Co-star Dakota Fanning concurred: “I am a fan of Lady Gaga because I think she’s a really good singer and a really great entertainer and when you watch her perform, you know it’s going to be a show. I think that’s really cool.”

Still, whatever the thought processes behind it, we’d like to wish Kristen Stewart all the best with her faux-lesbianism. Hopefully making a bold statement like this will only lead to bigger and better things for her – after all, it certainly worked for Lindsay Lohan.

Oh, no, wait.

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That Kristen Stewart is such a lucky girl – she gets to kiss all the hotties. Robert Pattinson. Taylor Lautner.

Dakota Fanning. Honestly, she’s – hang on! Dakota Fanning? The creepy four-year-old from War Of The Worlds? What the hell is Kristen Stewart doing kissing Dakota Fanning? Doesn’t she realise that Dakota Fanning a) is a girl, b) is about four years old and c) permanently carries the grim, haunted expression of a girl who’s just been asked to show a policeman where daddy touched her on a doll?

Oh, it was all for a non-Twilight related film? Phew, that’s good news. At least this way nobody will actually end up seeing it.

Of all the Twilight fan fiction in the world, we’re willing to bet good money that less romantic scenes have been writen featuring Bella and Jane than any other combination of characters. Stories about Bella kissing Edward? Definitely. Stories about Bella kissing Jacob? Absolutely. Stories about Edward kissing Jacob? Almost definitely? Stories about that bloke who looks like he should be in The Matrix kissing Tony Blair? Why, we’ve written several volumes ourselves.

But stories about Bella and Jane getting it on? It just doesn’t seem likely. That’s partly because exploitative sub-Wild Things lesbianism probably isn’t at the forefront of too many Twilight readers’ minds, and partly because Bella is played by Kristen Stewart who looks like a stroppy adolescent horse, and Jane is played by Dakota Fanning who is about three years old. Twilight readers aren’t sick, you know. Humourless and stupid, possibly, but not sick.

Another reason why there’s no Kristen Stewart/ Dakota Fanning fan fiction is because they’ve already had a bit of a kiss in real life, for their upcoming film The Runaways. The film has already caused a stir for several reasons – because Kristen Stewart had to have get a haircut that looked like a regurgitated crow for it, because Dakota Fanning jiggles around in her underwear for much of the film and because the whole thing generally looks arsebuckets.

But the Stewart/ Fanning kiss has sealed the deal, and it’s what both Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning have had to spend much of their time addressing during the film’s promotional activities at Sundance. MTV reports:

“I don’t think it was ever a big deal to me,” Fanning explained, adding that having Cherie and Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) kiss in the film “was just a thing, another day” for the characters. Stewart echoed Fanning’s sentiment, “It was never a big deal to me either … especially the way it was written into the story and the way it wasn’t, ‘And they finally get together.”

See? Even though it’s all they can talk about, because it’s the sole interesting thing about the entire film, Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning really couldn’t care less about the kiss. Just get over it already, grandpa. And pray that The Runaways isn’t a success – because if it is, we’re going to get our dreadlocked Matrix guy/ Tony Blair fan fiction turned into a movie, too. And it’s got an awful lot of rimjobs in it.

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The Runaways is an important film for Kristen Stewart – it’s her chance to show that there’s more to her than sparkly vampires.

It’s important for Dakota Fanning, too. But for different reasons. You see, if the newly-released The Runaways trailer is anything to go by, the film is Dakota Fanning’s chance to prove that she can waggle her boobs around in an unsettlingly sexy piece of lingerie. That’s Dakota Fanning. Who, last time we checked, was about four years old. Yikes.

You can watch the new The Runaways trailer after the jump – complete with full hecklerspray scene-by-scene analysis – but remember: if you do watch it, you’ll probably end up on some sort of pervert register. She’s four years old, for crying out loud.

Although the Twilight movies are massively popular, they’re also incomparably rubbish. That’s why all the actors involved in Twilight are currently busting a gut to show that they’re actual actors and not a two-bit collection of lip-bites, painted-on abs and interminable middle-distance stares. Robert Pattinson, for instance has Remember Me. And Anna Kendrick has Up In The Air. And Michael Sheen has Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans.

But Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning mean business. They’ve made The Runaways, a film that couldn’t wish to be an Oscar contender any harder without over-straining and crapping down the inside of its leg. The Runaways is a biopic about a musician, you see, and they always win Oscars. Ray won Oscars. Walk The Line won Oscars. Amadeus won Oscars. However, The Runaways might not actually win any Oscars, for three reasons:

1) The Runaways is about Joan Jett who is still alive. Biopics about still-alive musicians never win Oscars.

2) Nobody cares about Joan Jett.

3) The Runaways stars Kristen Stewart – an actress who, unless we’re missing something, only has one facial expression.

But, hey, take a look at the just-released The Runaways trailer and see what you can make of it anyway…

What? Wow! We can barely make head nor tail of The Runaways trailer with all its flashy editing and hip young rock and roll music. Let’s slow it down and take it scene-by-scene, shall we?

THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE ONE

“In 1975,” we’re told “rock was a man’s world.” But Joan Jett put all that right, didn’t she? Now crowds of screaming girls going crazy for a male heartthrob are a thing of the past, aren’t they? Aren’t they, Robert Pattinson’s co-star Kristen Stewart? Yes they are. Well done Joan Jett.

THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE TWO

There’s that facial expression we were just telling you about.

THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE THREE

See that woman there? The one on the far right? The one wearing a basque and little knickers and nothing else? That’s Dakota Fanning. That’s Dakota Fanning, you pervert! She’s only four! And you just looked at a picture of her in her knickers! Urrr, we’re calling the police on you, you pervert! Urr!

THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE FOUR

It’s no good submerging yourself in bathwater, Kristen. We know it’s still the same facial expression. You’re fooling nobody. Jeez.

THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE FIVE

Dakota Fanning again. HAPPY NOW, YOU PERVERT?

There, that’s literally everything you need to know about The Runaways. You don’t need to go and see it now, do you?

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If you’re a 14-year-old girl with an unhealthy crush on Robert Pattinson, we have two pieces of news for you.

One: don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it soon. Two: you should probably start practising how to make your eyes all big and haunted, because mimicking Dakota Fanning has just become your best shot at sneaking onto the New Moon set to launch yourself at Robert Pattinson and tear at his face and scream and cry.

That’s because Dakota Fanning has become a New Moon castmember, ending months of… no, not speculation. What’s the word? Teenage incontinence? Yes, that’s it.

You’ll have to excuse us if we get a little bit confused here – we’d just got used to calling Twilight‘s sequel Twilight 2, and then we discovered that it was called New Moon, and then that got changed to The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and we heard that in a couple of weeks it’ll be changed again to The Exciting Twilight Adventures Of The Twilight Gang In Twilight 2: New Moon – Part Of The Twilight Saga. So if we mess it up, please don’t shriek a bunch of illiterate all-caps abuse in the comment section. Even though we all know you will anyway.

But back to the point. Dakota Fanning has just proved her acting superiority over the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and The Jonas Brothers by acing the New Moon auditions and landing the part of Jane, a vampire who presumably looks a bit spooked and who causes everyone she meets to get so creeped out that they have to run away from her while brushing imaginary insects off their skin after about 15-20 seconds in her company.

Anyway, People reports:

The 15-year-old actress is set to star in New Moon as Jane – a sinister vampire with an angelic exterior who works for the Volturi, a rep for Summit Entertainment confirms to PEOPLE. “We did just get a script. We’re shooting the rest of the films back to back,” says Nikki Reed, who plays Rosalie Hale in the film. “(Director) Chris Weitz is amazing and I think it’s going to be wonderful.”

This news shouldn’t come as a surprise – Dakota Fanning has been linked to the New Moon role for months, but it’s only just been made official. And it’s an important movie for her, too – get this right and Dakota Fanning will get to throw away a promising film career in favour of being stereotyped in a series of cheaply-made piss-awful fantasy flicks about how brilliant virgins are.

But what’ll be interesting to see is how Dakota Fanning will be embraced by the Twilight fan-army. By and large they all love Robert Pattinson and hate Kristen Stewart because she might have slept with Robert Pattinson. So it makes sense that, if Dakota Fanning wants to be accepted by the Twilight fans, she needs to become as much like Robert Pattinson as possible.

So with that in mind, anyone with experience in concussing teenagers in a way that makes their hair look terrible should probably get in touch with Dakota Fanning’s agent as soon as possible.

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The headline’s comparative – if you’re 14 years old, that means Dakota Fanning is really excited about Twilight 2.

But if you’re not then Dakota Fanning could completely ignore Twilight 2 and she’d still be more excited than you. Because, as a normal person with a normal person’s idea of the difference between good and terrible, you couldn’t be less excited about Twilight 2 if it came with a written confirmation that the final scene would involve Robert Pattinson being kicked in the testicles by a furious mule.

Anyway, Dakota Fanning is more excited than that. Because she’s almost definitely going to be in Twilight 2 now.

The casting process for Twilight 2 has been so completely haphazard that we’re starting to believe that it’s actually a clever promotional trick to keep people interested in the film. First Taylor Lautner was going to be replaced, before the producers changed their minds. Then Vanessa Hudgens was going to get a role, before the producers changed their minds.

At this rate, if there’s a story next week saying that Robert Pattinson was being replaced by Blakey from On The Buses with a bird’s nest on his head for Twilight 2, we’re sure we’d fall for that as well. The resemblance is uncanny, after all.

So if we were Dakota Fanning, we’d be absolutely bricking ourselves right now. Ever since her name was first connected with Twilight 2, Dakota Fanning has known that it was her big chance to move on. No longer would she be the spooky-looking kid from hundreds of mostly-lousy movies. No, if Dakota Fanning landed the role of Jane in Twilight 2 then she’d be known as the spooky-looking teenager from one very specific lousy movie, and that’s much better.

But Dakota Fanning has a wise head on her shoulders, and she knows that the Twilight producers aren’t so great at sticking to their decisions, so she’s doing the only thing she can to make sure she gets the job – endless, exhausting cheerleading for the role in public. People reports:

Dakota Fanning is ready to bare her fangs as vampire Jane in the Twilight sequel New Moon. “I really hope it works out,” Fanning, 14, told Hitfix.com while promoting her current thriller, Push. “It would be a really fantastic experience, I’m sure.”

We don’t know why Dakota Fanning is going to so much effort here – even as a ten-year-old she was the best thing about most of the crappy films she starred in, so four years later it’d be stupid if the producers weren’t desperate to sign her up for Twilight 2. At the very least it’d be an interesting experiment to see what’d happen if a real actor was allowed to mingle with the charisma-free, hollow-cheeked haircut models that make up the rest of the Twilight cast.

Besides, it’s not as if Dakota wants to go her entire career with The Cat In The Hat as her all-time worst movie ever, is it? This one will challenge that title nicely, we’re sure.

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As popular as Twilight was, it didn’t really fill anyone’s quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone.

Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.

According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.

Kids these days, eh? They grow up so damn fast. Why, just look at dear old Dakota Fanning. Time was when she was nothing more than the spooky-looking kid from War Of The Worlds whose parents were so determined to make her a megastar that they happily let her star in a child-rape movie when she was 12 years old.

But look at her now! Our little Dakota is all growed up. Why, it’ll only be a few years before she can get shitfaced on drugs and smash her car up like the creepy kid from The Sixth Sense. But in the meantime Dakota Fanning may as well slap on too much eyeliner, pretend that Paramore are a tolerable band and sign up for Twilight 2.

That’s right, following the sad news that Vanessa Hudgens won’t be in Twilight 2 because of the dearth of songs about being yourself and helping your friends, it’s been reported that Dakota Fanning – everyone’s favourite ghostly-looking childstar from 2005 – is being lined up instead. MTV reports:

New reports are claiming that star of Man on Fire and War of The Worlds, Dakota Fanning is in talks to play a vampire in Twilight sequel New Moon... The Chris Weitz sequel is scheduled to begin filming at the end of March with Fanning (14) lined up to play Volturi member Jane. In the Twilight novels, Jane is an Italian vampire whose special power is the ability to create illusions of pain.

Ah yes, Jane who creates illusions of pain. It’s easy to tell which Volturi member is which in Twilight 2 because their names all rhyme with their special power. There’s Jane who creates illusions of pain, Alec who makes things metallic, Marcus who can reanimate your carcass and Renata the dirty farter. Look it up if you don’t believe us. It’s what she’s really called. It’s all in the book.

Still, it’s brave of Dakota Fanning to take on a bit-part in a movie franchise after spending such a long time being the star of her own films. It might seem like a little detour from her ‘new Jodie Foster‘ career path to begin with, but don’t forget that Dakota Fanning is still young – she’s still got plenty of time to inspire rabid fans to blow up airports on her behalf and become a lesbian and whatnot. It all works out in the end.

And anyway, we honestly believe that Dakota Fanning will be a great addition to the Twilight 2 cast alongside the mullety beefcake and Robert Pattinson’s stupid haircut. We’re being serious – we’re really looking forward to avoiding her like the absolute titting raging bastard plague when Twilight 2 comes out.

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