STOP THE PRESSES! The Bieber baby drama may not be quite as dead as we all thought.

Jeffrey Leving, the lawyer representing Bieber’s baby momma, Mariah Yeater, has come out and said that the DNA test is still on! Meaning there’s still a chance that Justin really was bustin’ to get freaky with the single mother.

So forget everything we said yesterday, IT’S BACK ON BITCHES!

Leving stated in an interview that:

“I did not step down and there is a legal team. It’s a new legal team… negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.”

Which, if true, means that Bieber and his allegedly wandering willy may well still face the needle, in order to determine whether or not he did actually eff young Mariah’s brains out on that warm October night in L.A.

If it transpires that Bieber is indeed the father of Mariah Yeater’s baby, it will be the first time in human history that a father has turned out to be younger than his own biological child.

Rather annoyingly, Leving stated that his goal is to keep everything confidential, meaning we may never actually find out the truth about the Bieber baby, baby, baby.

Justin is still denying any and all responsibility for what fell out of Yeater’s chuff and is adamant that the DNA test will conclusively prove that he isn’t the father.

Apparently the current defence of, “his balls haven’t dropped yet,” doesn’t cut it in court anymore

Anyway, we all know the greater likelihood is that the father of the little bastard (the baby that is, not Bieber) is Frankie Cocozza.

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As Britney Spears’ conservator, Jamie Spears spends most of his days saying “No Britney, don’t lick the plug socket,” and performing on-the-spot knicker checks.

And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month – or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

We have to admit that Jamie Spears has really turned Britney Spears around this year. Back in January Britney Spears was being sectioned out of concern for the wellbeing of her children, and her songs were all snarling chunks of rebellion aimed in part at her family. But since Jamie Spears became Britney’s conservator, everything’s been hunky dory. Britney Spears is number one again, and all her songs go “MMM papi LOVE you! MMM papi LOVE you!”

Granted, Britney Spears does give off all the signs of being little more than a performing monkey now – and she keeps bursting into tears on camera because she hates her life under her father so much – but at least she’s earning money again. And when Britney earns money, everyone earns money. Especially Jamie Spears.

Although Jamie Spears had previously given himself a $10,000 monthly wage to control Britney Spears’ assets back in March, he’s since decided that he can’t live on a paltry sum like that and has gone to court to get a 60% payrise. And backpay. And an extra $1,200 a month to give himself a swanky office. AP reports:

For helping his daughter through her turbulent period, Jamie Spears on Monday was awarded an additional $51,000 payout. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay.

That’s not too bad at all – $192,000 a year for basically keeping Britney Spears away from the adult scissors. Hey, Britney – if you’re reading this, we’ll do it for $190,000. Plus you’d be allowed to have sex with as many undesirable members of the paparazzi as you like. And you could have the car at weekends. And, just for old time’s sake, we’ll even provide you with one designer dress a month to absent-mindedly smear dogmuck over. Whaddaya say?

Oh, don’t worry about your dad, he’ll be OK for money. Seriously, if he can pull $16,000 a month for looking after your stuff, imagine how loaded he’ll be once he’s convinced a court that he can stop Jamie Lynn from getting any more pregnant liposuction.

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Britney Spears has it all – like a number one single and a body that doesn’t look like the product of a lifetime devotion to maize snacks.

Except she doesn’t. Britney Spears doesn’t have it all at all – to be more accurate, Britney Spears’ dad has it all. As her conservator, Jamie Spears gets to control all of Britney’s assets until she’s properly recovered from her numerous psychiatric problems. And, thanks to a court hearing yesterday, we know exactly when that date will come.

Never. Britney Spears is never going to be well enough to look after herself, because Jamie Spears has just had his conservatorship extended indefinitely. He’ll only lose control of Britney Spears’ assets when Britney herself requests it to be lifted. But, since filing a legal request requires more than repeating the word ‘womanizer’ 40 times in a row like a nightmarish robot chant, we wouldn’t hold our breath for that to happen any time soon.

Controlling Britney Spears’ affairs can’t be all that difficult, can it? All you need to do is keep her away from hair-trimming equipment, force her to take her clothes off in music videos and every now and again release a perfume with an arbitrarily-chosen adjective as its name like Britney Spears: Involved or Britney Spears: Isauxetic and – bingo – you’re away.

And that’s why we’re secretly jealous of Jamie Spears, because that’s exactly what he gets to do all day. Ever since she spent that time in that mental hospital earlier this year – after going a bit berserk, locking her children in a bathroom and screaming about death – Jamie Spears has been Britney’s conservator, which means he got to control all her stuff while paying himself a fancy wage for the trouble.

When the agreement was made, most observers assumed that it would only be a temporary situation – before long Britney Spears would be back on her feet with a full head of hair and a number one album – and that’s happened. Partly.

Yes, Britney Spears has a proper haircut again now, and Womanizer got to number one – but as far as being able to look after her own life goes, Britney’s such a hopeless mess that a judge has decided to grant Jamie Spears permanent conservatorship, as Reuters reports:

The father of Britney Spears will retain control over the once-troubled singer’s personal and business affairs for an indefinite period, a Los Angeles judge ruled on Tuesday… “The conservatorship is necessary and appropriate for the complexity of financial and business entities and her being susceptible to undue influence,” said the judge, Reva Goetz.

Actually, when it’s put like that, maybe Jamie Spears controlling Britney’s assets is a good idea after all. This way, the complications of juggling various business interests can be taken out of Britney’s hands, allowing her to concentrate on what she does best – staggering round car parks in a pink wig babbling made up words to hordes of paparazzi in a ropey British accent. No, singing. We meant singing.

After all, if Britney Spears really is susceptible to undue influence, then this is definitely for the best. And if you’re reading this, Britney, we wish you a speedy recovery. And also, we have a number of wonderful investment opportunities for you in the magic bean market. We’ll make you rich. Call us.

So Lindsay Lohan’s career is deeper in the pooper than ever, but it doesn’t matter – after all, family is what’s most important.

And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael has chosen now to do the most charming, heartwarming thing he’s probably ever done – he’s finally decided to take back his comments about Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend Sam Ronson being “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity.”

What an incredible show of compassion! From now on, Michael Lohan will no longer use the words ‘dark’, ‘hideous’, or ‘disgusting’ in association with Sam Ronson for fear of offending Lindsay Lohan. Fortunately, that does still leave him with the adjectives ‘abominable’, ‘appalling’, ‘detestable’, ‘loathsome’, ‘repugnant’, ‘revolting’, ‘sickening’ and ‘unsightly’, so look out for any or all of those bad boys in the next few weeks.

Pick an aspect of Lindsay Lohan’s life, any aspect. Chances are it’s in trouble. Professionally? Lindsay Lohan might never work again after screwing up her Ugly Betty guest spot. Personally? Take your pick – not only is Lindsay Lohan being sued by some people she supposedly drove around drunk, but she’s also spent the last few days implying that she’s only going out with Sam Ronson because she looks a bit like a man.

Worst of all, though, is probably Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with her father, Michael. They’ve never had the best of relationships – for every cabin retreat trip they’ve had together, there’s a pop song about what a shit he was for beating up a man with a shoe – but lately things have deteriorated even more, and it’s all thanks to Sam Ronson.

We don’t know why – maybe it’s because he doesn’t like Sam Ronson as a person or because he just thinks that lesbianism is wrong and that Lindsay Lohan should spend her days chewing on the end of Calum Best‘s todger like nature intended – but Michael Lohan has really taken against Sam Ronson.

In September he decided to publicly call Ronson “dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity” - an outburst that prompted an amusingly huffy blog post from Lindsay in response.

But now we’re sorry to say that Michael Lohan, appallingly, has appeared to have learnt from his mistakes, as Newsday reports:

“I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha,” Lohan told New York magazine at a book party Oct. 21, usmagazine.com reports. “I’m a Christian,” he added. “I should not pass judgment on anyone.”

Take note, people – this is the first recorded instance in history of a Lohan displaying self-awareness. We think this means they’re about to rise up and start a war against the humans, but that probably remains to be seen.

Still, it goes to show that, for all his massive long list of gigantic character faults, Michael Lohan still loves his daughter very much. That’s why he’s downgraded his opinion of Sam Ronson, and will now only refer to her in print as “grubby, funny-looking and a slightly less than average representation of humanity.” Oh, we’re welling up.

When Barack Obama declined Lindsay Lohan’s recent offer to help out with the whole election thing, he clearly didn’t know what he was getting himself into.

That’s because he didn’t know what a tidal wave of raw outrage he’d provoke from Lindsay Lohan’s millions of adoring fans. Well, OK, not really adoring. And there weren’t millions of them, either. And the term ‘fans’ is pushing it as well, come to think of it.

In fact, the sum of the backlash that Barack Obama has faced after turning down Lindsay Lohan’s offer of help is one email. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad. One email from Lindsay Lohan’s dad that wasn’t even directly addressed to Barack Obama and was only written because Lindsay Lohan’s dad is weirdly compelled to make a public comment about Lindsay Lohan every time she even so much as farts because he wants to make up for being a bad father. So, yeah, watch out Obama you big sod.

Barack Obama is in no position to turn down anyone’s help at the moment. Thanks to Sarah Palin and her incredible reproducing children, John McCain is creeping slowly into the lead in the polls ahead of November’s general election. So Barack Obama needs all the help he can get, even if it comes from mostly-naked former childstars who spent most of last year zig-zagging between police stations, jails, morgues and rehab.

Except, no, Mr Barack Obama is too much of a bigshot to want the help of a needy, trouble-addicted career opportunist like Lindsay Lohan, which is why he so rudely declined Lindsay’s offer of help recently.

And, quite rightly, this snub has got Lindsay Lohan’s dad in a right old state. Michael Lohan, you see, stands 100% behind everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does, unless it has anything to do with other girl’s minges. And he’s so incensed about Obama’s refusal to see the latent potential within Lindsay that he’s felt the need to speak out publicly about it.

So it must be serious, because Michael Lohan has a strict policy of only publicly commenting on Lindsay Lohan’s life when she does anything at all no matter how completely bloody inconsequential it all is.

In an email to Fox News, Michael Lohan made the very good and not at all startlingly misinformed point that Barack Obama should have definitely taken Lindsay Lohan up on her offer because he’s only going to be the executive leader of the planet’s sole superpower and she’s making a film about a lady who pretends to be pregnant. Seriously:

“Lindsay is gifted — she has a wonderful heart and she can and will affect millions of people in a very positive way. She is here to stay. Obama might have eight years, and then he will be giving lectures. Who knows, maybe Lindsay will give him a part in one of her movies.”

Actually, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. Look at it this way – as it is Lindsay Lohan is recognised as a terrible actress with a hopeless reputation that she occasionally supplements with the odd bit of nudey work, so in eight years’ time it’s almost a scientific inevitability that Lindsay Lohan will be churning out micro-budget direct-to-DVD softcore erotic thrillers. And Barack Obama would rule at being at those, perhaps starring as a randy policeman or a private dick with an itch to scratch.

Oh wait, no, we’re going to have to stop. We brought a bit of dinner up. Sorry.

The day most men are introduced to their 15-year-old daughter’s 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend is usually they day they go bald and/or start sniffing glue.

But not if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus. If you’re Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That’s because if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it’s you who’ll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model.

That’s right – it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we’d suggest that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we’ll probably just leave it.

We’re going to let you into a little secret. We always thought that Billy Ray Cyrus was a little bit stupid. Maybe it was his awful haircut, or maybe the way he consistently mispronounced the word ‘lips’ as ‘layps’ when singing Achy Breaky Heart, or maybe even our possibly imagined fondness of his for wearing leather waistcoats with nothing underneath. We just don’t know.

But we were wrong. Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t stupid at all. Billy Ray Cyrus is a red-hot progressive. You can tell that just by the way he’s raised Miley Cyrus.

For instance, when Miley Cyrus split up with whichever one of The Jonas Brothers she was with, Billy Ray Cyrus yelled “Don’t worry honey, he was just a boy. I’ll find you a MAN!” and ran off to try and find a nice-looking 20-year-old stud with morals loose enough to allow him to take payment from standing around in his knickers all day to ease his little girl’s broken heart.

And that’s how Justin Gaston came to be. You see, when we reported yesterday that Miley Cyrus had a much older boyfriend, we assumed that Billy Ray Cyrus would be furious. But he’s not, because he was the one who set the pair of them up. OK! reports:

Allen Osborne, says Billy Ray thinks very highly of Justin. “He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He’s a very up-and-up guy.” {A source said] “Miley and Justin were really playful with each other. And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents really gave them space.”

You see, Billy Ray Cyrus has nothing to worry about. Just because Justin Gaston is legally an adult whose girlfriend is legally a child, he doesn’t drink or smoke so nothing funny’s going to happen. And it’s not as if Miley Cyrus knows anything about sex anyway, is it? She hardly goes around bragging of her love of Sex And The City while posing in a series of risque photos on the internet, is it? Oh…

Also, we’re sure that Billy Ray Cyrus’ acceptance of Justin Gaston has absolutely nothing to do with Miley Cyrus being the primary breadwinner in the Cyrus household and having enough money to have her dad kidnapped and beaten if he ever voices an opinion on her love life. Nothing at all.

Jessica Simpson says her dad didn’t fit her for her first training bra.

Let’s face it, no one ever thought that he did. In fact, we all went about blissfully without ever having thought about it at all. But now that the topic has been broached and your day has been ruined by the mental image, all we can think is “Joe Simpson fit his daughter for a training bra?? Ewwww…” That, and, “We missed a story about Joe Simpson fitting his daughter for a training bra??”

We apologise for missing such an important, vomit-inducing piece of journalism. It shall not happen again. We will be the first to supply you with details when Joe Simpson details accounts of fitting his daughter for her second and third training bras, as well as every subsequent regular bra up to the present.

Joe Simpson has done a nice job of portraying himself as a creepy, pervy dad to his daughter Jessica Simpson. Not so much towards his younger daughter, Ashlee, but more so now that she got plastic surgery and looks less like a grungy swamp-thing and more like his hot daughter, now.

Jessica’s MTV show Newlyweds with her then-husband Nick Lachey showed the world that her dad had an unnatural level of involvement in his daughter’s life, and then there’s the famous interview where Joe discussed his daughter’s endowed DD status. Yeeeeech. Not to mention that he supposedly pushed Jessica and Tony Romo together, and is holding Tony’s entire immediate family hostage in case Tony tries to break up with Jessica again. Just joking!

But, hey. Joe Simpson isn’t as creepy as you think, okay? Cut the guy some slack. Jessica explained in a radio interview with K-FROG 95.1 in Colton, Calif., last week that rumours that go around about her are just plain silly:

"There have been stories that are ridiculous. Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing?"

Well, pretty much anyone that’s ever seen your father, heard of him, of smelled his hair pomade and teeth bleaching residue, Jessica.

Sure, you can all deny it, but what about the rumours of Joe Simpson fitting Chris O’Donnell and George Clooney for their Batman fronts pieces, hmmmm? Is anyone denying that? Didn’t think so.

Believe what you read and you'll think that Amy Winehouse's lungs are nothing more than gunk-filled peanut-sized husks that barely work at all.

But that's all nonsense – even though her father Mitch spent the weekend telling anyone who'll listen that Amy Winehouse has been struck down with emphysema, it actually turns out that Amy hasn't so much got emphysema as might get it one day in the future if she doesn't stop smoking – something that could probably be said for all smokers everywhere.

Curses! Now our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card is all messed up. Quickly, we'll need a bucket of monkeypox and a dirt-resistant syringe. Stat!

We know it's half a year away, but we're going to save up and get Mitch Winehouse some celebrity parenting lessons for Christmas. Lord knows he needs the help.

Take Dina Lohan or Joe Simpson – they know that the way to get your daughter to the top of the pile is to mercilessly promote them to within an inch of their lives, to blame the media for every single one of their failings and to occasionally tell the world how delicious their boobies look. Mitch Winehouse does the exact opposite of this.

You see, whenever some weird new fate befalls Amy Winehouse, it's always Mitch who winds up blabbing to the press first. And not with standard-issue denials, either – Mitch somehow usually manages to sneak in a reference or two about how utterly effed Amy is. For example, not so long ago Mitch wanted Amy Winehouse to go to a mental hospital – which is obviously either a giant overreaction or something any parent would do upon learning that their child had deliberately befriended Pete Doherty.

And then there's the emphysema. Yesterday everyone was all 'oh no, Amy Winehouse has got emphysema ' thanks to a frantic, dry-mouthed interview about oxygen masks and 70% lung capacity that Mitch Winehouse gave to the Sunday Mirror this weekend. Now, however, it's a completely different story.

Turns out that Amy Winehouse doesn't have emphysema after all – she's got the easily-reversible first traces of something that could potentially lead to something like emphysema. The sniffles, basically. E! Online has more:

The singer's rep is saying that the 24-year-old Brit does not have emphysema, as her father told Britain's Sunday Mirror over the weekend. Rather, she has "early signs of what could lead to emphysema," rep Tracey Miller said Monday. "Amy really hasn't got emphysema" … Mitch told BBC Radio 1 today.

Thank heavens for that – for all of Amy Winehouse's tabloid notoriety, it'd be tragic to think that one of this country's brightest musical talents could no longer perform because she suffered from a degenerative lung disease. Not being able to perform because she's constantly spazzed off her chump on weapons-grade narcotics is fine, but not lung disease. Heavens, no.

Like us, you’re probably devastated by the news that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo have split up.

No? You forgot about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split as soon as you heard about it because you don’t really know who Tony Romo is and you’re not especially fussed whether Jessica Simpson lives or dies? Us neither, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, even though nobody can really put their hand on their heart and honestly claim to even slightly care about any of this, someone must be to blame for Jessica and Tony’s split. And apparently it’s Joe Simpson, Jessica Simpson’s dickish dad, who inadvertently broke the couple up by being all dickish. We know – thrilling.

Jessica Simpson’s career hasn’t been flushed completely down the crapper yet, but it’s close. Since her divorce from Nick Lachey spelt the end of her painful reality TV series, Jessica has tried and failed to make a mark in other mediums.

Her music career floundered when she bodged a Dolly Parton tribute performance and started crying in front of thousands of people, and her movie career went a similar way when only 48 people in America paid to see her last movie Blonde Ambition at the cinema.

Despite this, though, Jessica Simpson has been all over the news this week. That’s partly because Jessica’s little sister Ashlee Simpson is marrying her emo gonk boyfriend tomorrow and partly because she apparently responded to the news that her ex-boyfriend John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston by getting hopelessly shitfaced in a bar.

But it’s mainly because Jessica Simpson has split up with Tony Romo, her sport star boyfriend. We still can’t understand why such an adorable couple would split up, since they were obviously perfectly suited – Tony Romo helped keep Jessica Simpson sort of semi-famous and Jessica Simpson inspired Tony Romo to have his worst professional season ever. It was just like the most wonderful relationship ever, except it was rubbish and it had a couple of clueless fuckwits in it.

Anyway, now that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are no more, it’s time to use all our detective skills to work out who was responsible for taking Jessica’s heart and splattering it to pieces with a golf club. Oh, it was her Dad? Yeah, that makes sense. He seems like a bit of a dick. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Romo says it’s over — mainly for two reasons: the intense media scrutiny that comes from being in Simpson’s life and the problems he has with her overbearing father, Joe Simpson… The talented QB has been put off by the intrusive style of Joe Simpson, who’s been ”not only telling Jessica every move to make, but now has begun to offer unsolicited advice to Tony on his career, endorsement opportunities and things that have nothing to do with him dating Jessica.”

We can’t see this explanation being true ourselves – how can a man who spent most of his adult life strong-arming his children through the cruel machinations of the entertainment business so that he’d be able to vicariously live his failed dreams through them even if it meant openly praising his young daughter’s breasts possibly be capable of pressuring a young successful sports star into several unrequested product endorsement deals? It just doesn’t add up, damnit.

Still, whether or not her father screwed up her love life, Jessica Simpson will be able to take a small amount of solace from the fact that Tony Romo looks set to keep his promise and escort her to Ashlee Simpson’s wedding tomorrow. And we all know that girls like nothing more than to be accompanied to large family events by men who consider them to be physical, sexual and mental failures. Don’t we?

Read more:

Cowboy QB drops Jessica - CST

This season of American Idol finishes quite soon, but it’ll have to do so without the fire-eyed, slightly berserk stage dad Jeff Archuleta.

Father of wimpy-looking namby-pamby American Idol favourite David Archuleta, Jeff Archuleta has reportedly been banned from American Idol‘s backstage area by producers after he kept urging his son to sing bits of other songs during a recent performance of Stand By Me.

That’s not all – Jeff Archuleta is also supposedly so pushy and all-controlling that he’s made David Archuleta cry in the past. Really, who do these American Idol producers think they are? In 20 years when David Archuleta is living in a normal house instead of a creepy rundown fairground with a drinking problem and an obsession with the childhood that his father stole from him, it’ll be them who’ll be to blame. Them!

Despite having the fewest viewers ever, a blandly interchangeable array of contestants and so many new segments that it feels bloated beyond compare, this season of American Idol hasn’t been completely terrible. It’s had a crazy man in a feathery hat, a balls-out male stripper and Paula Abdul being characteristically mental. What more could you ask for?

An overbearing stage parent who’s reportedly happy to withhold his son’s water supply to make him work harder? Well guess what – American Idol had that too in Jeff Archuleta.

Pushy stage parents are something of a necessity in showbusiness. Where would Michael Jackson be now if his father hadn’t hit him with sticks to make him work harder? And where would Jessica Simpson be if her father didn’t dribble over her tits with such creepy regularity? Would Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan be where they are if their parents hadn’t so monomaniacally focused on making them famous at the expense of a sensible upbringing? No they wouldn’t. They’d be normal. Normal. Ugh.

So really Jeff Archuleta is just a continuation of that proud tradition. According to rumours, he’d pick David Archuleta’s American Idol songs, meddle constantly with the band’s arrangements and work David so hard that it becomes clear why he’s ended up as such a mimbling nervy little approval-seeking git.

And American Idol was fine with that, right up until Jeff Archuleta started telling his son to sing bits of Sean Kingston‘s Beautiful Girls in the middle of his performance of Stand By Me. As soon as producers caught wind of that, Jeff Archuleta got banned from backstage quicker than Paula Abdul smashing her face up on a dog. Reuters reports:

It cost the show’s producers more money because they must pay for music rights when contestants sing songs. In effect, the producers had to pay for two songs, “Stand by Me” and “Beautiful Girls,” when David sang only one… Last month in Us Weekly magazine, Jeff Archuleta said accusations he was an overbearing “stage dad” were simply wrong. “There was absolutely no truth in any of the stories about me yelling at David, making him cry, or withholding water from him. That was crazy!,” Jeff Archuleta told the magazine.

Now it just remains to be seen whether David Archuleta can cope without his Dad enough to win American Idol like Taylor Hicks or whether he’ll lose it like that loser who won an Oscar for that film last year. Whatever the result, though, we hope that Jeff Archuleta remains a constant presence by David’s side for the rest of his life.

Because it seems like such a waste to push the boy this close to a giant wibbling mental breakdown and then bottle it at the last minute, doesn’t it.

Read more:

New “Idol” controversy over David Archuleta’s dad – Reuters

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

Mitch is convinced that sectioning Amy is the only way to save her from killing herself. He said:

“I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street.”

Should they ask her to go to rehab? Mitch say:

“I don’t think being somewhere for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures. We will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.”

Come on Mitch – we know she isn’t the prettiest girl, but her own father comparing her to a bull? That’s a tad harsh. He furthered a lot more:

“I’ve been on the phone to Amy’s manager in Los Angeles and he’s starting things rolling. They are going to be speaking to doctors, psychologists and everything else. I want Amy to be somewhere where she will be safe and where no harm can come to her. Obviously, as her dad, I will try and do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, what I think is best for Amy and what she thinks is best for her are two different things…and it might be that other parties might need to be involved…You need all four – the psychologists, the doctor, the local health authority and the next of kin – all to decide that somebody is sectionable. Now is the time to exert whatever pressure we have to try to do it. I’ve told them she is a danger to herself. There is evidence of self-harming and she’s a danger to other people because she’s attacked someone.”

Amy was released with a caution from Holborn police station yesterday morning for hitting Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi after he refused to give way to her at a pool table. Mustapha said:

“I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard.”

Poor Mustapha; now he knows what a Joe Calzaghe opponent must feel like.

Then, after proceeding to play the game of pool – as poor victim Mustapha was legging it to the first policeman or journalist he could find – she allegedly head-butted a good samaritan trying to hail her a cab because – so it turns out – she thought he was trying to molest her.

Trying to molest her? What fucked-up method of taxi-hailing was he using? Maybe Amy felt the constant jerking of his thumb in an upwards movement was actually a mimed-innuendo of what he planned to do with her?

We can’t be sure as of yet if it is Amy exactly, but there is certainly some level of traditional-style mentalness going on here.

Read More – Lock Up My Amy – NOTW

It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.

For she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

“I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.”

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

“You know what I have to say about my father is that I just wish that he wouldn’t go and talk to the media as a parent. It is not attractive to me. It really upsets me, and I wish he would stop.”

It is interesting that, in an effort to stop her dad talking to the media about her, she warns him off by saying she doesn’t find it ‘attractive’.

Would, and indeed should, a father be deterred by that fact? Surely, ‘how much is my daughter attracted to me’ is something a dad doesn’t care about?

Lindsay knows her dad better than we do (we imagine), so why would she use that as a weapon against him?

Bow-chicha-wow-wow.

Lindsay Lohan then said:

“There is no reason that anybody should be talking about any personal things that go on in their lives – (err, hello?) - I think people make things up enough and to bring attention to something that is not really going on is unnecessary. It disappoints me, but I have learned to kind of let things roll off my back. I have learned, you know, put a shield up and protect myself as many ways as I can because things get said everyday.”

And she’s absolutely right about that – things do seem to get said everyday. For example, recently her mum declared that we will not get to see Lindsay’s fanny in her upcoming film, which is fine, more than fine in fact.

But would you ever be thankful that your mum had declared such a thing to the press for you? Fair play to Lindsay though, she put up her shield admirably – that time at least.

Now though the shield lays shattered on the floor, among the few remaining shards of her dignity. But that’s never held her back before, and it isn’t about to now either, as we see from the following quotes, in which she discusses her future prospects in the business we so aptly call ‘show’.

Regarding her role in Manson Girls – an upcoming film about Charlie Manson and how he used to murder pregnant women and stuff – she says:

“It is very interesting; my only concern is that it is a little bit dark.”

If that’s your only concern, Lindsay, then maybe that shouldn’t be your only concern – you know what we’re saying? Surely the concern ‘how am I such an idiot?’ is far more pressing? She then went on about her new album of music:

“I am waiting on some people. I am hoping to get some great producers on it as well as the ones that I have, but I really want Timbaland and Akon. I have gone through so much and I think publicly people have seen that and I don’t find that fascinating any more.”

What is she talking about? Don’t talk your life down Lindsay. Of course it’s still fascinating!

Why else would we be writing this very article? There is literally nothing more fascinating happening in the world right now, because if there was, you can rest assured that hecklerspray would be covering it.

What’s that? Darfur what? Huh?

Read More – Lindsay Lohan On Her Dad’s Media Moments: ‘I Wish He Would Stop’ – Access Hollywood

It’s a predicament we’ve all faced, really.

You bring a newly-cremated loved one home and open up the urn, only to have some of the ashes spew onto the table. Dang it all. Now you have to go to the trouble of carefully sweeping the ashy vestiges of your great granny back in there using your pinky. Unless you’re Keith Richards. If you’re Keith Richards you daub up those ashes on your pinky and stick it up your nose hole and snort like you’ve never snorted before.

For reals this time, guys. This time he says he really did it for reals.

About a year ago, Keith Richards, aging/old/defying-the-laws-of-drug-usage-to-still-alive rocker from The Rolling Stones, revealed in an interview with NME that he mixed up a little delightful blow comprised of cocaine and some of his daddy Bert’s ashes and had himself a lovely snort. Despite the fact that there really is not a whole lot Keith Richards can do to shock even an ardently religious woman who teaches Sunday school and showers fully clothed, the whole dad-snorting thing was a bit shocking.

It was also a bit false. Right after the disgusting twistedness of somebody ingesting another human being – other than for purely cannibalistic purposes, which we fully support – was revealed, Keith Richards said the whole thing was just a bit of tomfoolery:

“The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the lid off the box of ashes, and he is now growing oak trees and would love me for it!!!”

Okay, okay, but NOW Keith Richards is saying he really DID do it. In addition to the long list of non-drugs he’s likely sniffed – baking powder, gardenia scented body talc, detergent, Pixie Stix, golf balls (unsuccessfully) – Keith Richards says he did take a snort of Bertie-boy, just not with cocaine. Look here at what he told Blender magazine:

“I looked at my dad’s ashes down there and – what am I gonna do? “Do I desecrate them with a dustbin and broom? So I wet me [sic] finger and I shoved a little bit of Dad up me [sic] hooter. The rest of them I put round an oak tree, which is coming up a treat. And I’m sure he’s still blessing me.”

Hear that? One man’s hooter is another man’s nostril. Good thing the Hooters restaurant chain wasn’t started by Keith Richards. It would have quite a different image, now wouldn’t it.

But, hey, Keith Richards snorting weird stuff isn’t always negative. There was that one time we heard he tried to snort Mick Jagger. It caused quite a rift amongst the band for a while, but ended up leading to one of their most influential songs in music history, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction from Snorting Mick Jagger. Thus, we fully support whatever Keith Richards wants to snort for the sake of the music.

Except for drugs. Drugs are bad. Stay in school.

Read more:

Keith Richards: I DID Snort My Dad’s Ashes - Huffington Post

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.

As shocking as it is to hear that Britney Spears is so gravely disabled that doctors have decided to keep her locked up in a padded room for a fortnight, perhaps it's the best thing for her. It'll be the first fortnight for a year where the paparazzi hasn't shadowed her every move, she won't have to keep turning up to court only to be told that she can't see her children and her only responsibility is to cover her ears at night to block the tortured screams of the other psychiatric patients. Britney can just take it easy and claw back some of her life for her own.

Alternatively, Britney could oppose everything that she's asked to do and start a ludicrously bitter public legal feud with her own father for trying to take care of her estate while she's incapacitated. But, no, let's credit Britney Spears with some intelligence. Only an idiot would do something like tha… wait, that's exactly what Britney Spears has done, isn't it? Arses. E! Online reports:

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz tapped Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallett as interim guardians of the 26-year-old's welfare after deeming her incapable of caring for herself at this time… An attorney named Adam Streisand appeared before Goetz on Monday and claimed he was retained by Spears over the weekend. She "expressed to me her very strong desire" that her father not be named conservator of her estate, said Streisand. "There has been an estrangement for quite some time. With him as conservator, that is causing her more agitation and more distress."

However, since she's now legally Gravely Disabled and therefore can't even be trusted to feed or dress herself, Britney Spears was never going to get very far trying to make complicated legal appeals, allowing Jamie Spears to keep control of all things Britney until at least February 14.

And, really, we can't see what Britney's problem is – surely of all the people in the world, her own father will have less of an agenda than anyone else who wants to control her $40 million estate. Agreed, he might tinker with the decision-making process a little now he's in charge, but that's to be expected. And he might use some of Britney's money to fund his dream of becoming a gangsta rapper, but there's nothing wrong with that. And he might digitally alter all of Britney Spears' songs so it just sounds like she's yelping "I love you Daddy" over and over again in a creepy child's voice, but… oh you get the idea.

Read more:

Britney Unable to Fight Daddy Day Care – E! Online