You can’t deny that these Eurovision 2009 profiles aren’t getting exciting – we even had bare boobs a couple of days ago, for crying out loud.

But the best is yet to come. And when we say ‘best’ we mean ‘majority’. Surely something good has to come up in the next month, right? Anything – a tune that doesn’t make us want to shatter our skull into microscopic fragments would be a nice treat at the moment, to be honest. Oh, who are we kidding, that’ll never happen.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Christina Metaxa from Cyprus…

Cyprus · Christina Metaxa, Firefly

Finally! It’s taken a fortnight, but we’ve got our first example of Eurovision Pretty Girl Bribery. Those clever Cypriots have decided to enter Christina Metaxa – a cute 16-year-old girl in a very slightly inappropriate frock – in the hope that the few heterosexual men watching Eurovision will vote for her so they can see her again. It’s a neat trick – it’s worked in the past – and Firefly is a nice, if somewhat slight, tune. But there’s just one problem. Watch the video above. Get to about the 1:35 mark. Firefly calls for one soaring note to smash into the chorus – but instead Christina decides to sing every other note in the musical scale, in a seemingly random order, loud enough to startle any domestic pets that happen to be lying around. We don’t know if Christina Metaxa is planning to do this for the Eurovision final, but we hope so. It’s not as if she’s going to win otherwise, is it?

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If it’s Monday morning, it means you needs something to help you swallow down the urge to violently attack your oppressive wagemasters. Will some Eurovision betting odds be able to do it for you?

No, probably not. But let’s have some Eurovision betting odds anyway. But first an apology. Last week we told you that Eurovision was going to put electronic polling stations in public squares around Europe to help collect votes, but apparently that was all a big April Fool’s joke. An electronic vote-counting method for Eurovision? How could we have been so easily fooled? That’s the cleverest, wittiest April Fool’s joke we ever saw! Well done, dipshits.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Cyprus, with help from Paddy Power…

Cyprus – (pop. 780,133; an island in the eastern Mediterranean Sea): Evdokia Kadi, Femme Fatale

Cyprus’ old Eurovision trick is to dress a pretty blonde girl up in nice clothes and pray that it makes up for the fact that their song isn’t very good. But that’s all changed for this year’s Eurovision. This year the entrant is Evdokia Kadi, who’s a pretty brunette in nice clothes. See? Completely different. But will it be enough to make up for the fact that the song isn’t very good? Because the song isn’t very good on so many counts. For starters, Femme Fatale is almost a note-for-note replication of the Oompa Loompah Doopidy Doo song from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, and if that’s not bad enough it’s a note-for-note replication of the Oompa Loompah Doopidy Doo song from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory that’s so bitterly anti-men it’s only helped to further our crippling intimacy issues: “Hello bully, I’m woman and I belong to the gender that you call weak,” it chillingly goes. So can a pretty brunette in nice clothes cover up for all that? Hardly, which is why Cyprus has unveiled its secret weapon to help her – the world’s most stupidly tiny guitar. Current Eurovision betting odds – 100/1

Tomorrow – Czech Republic! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.