Well tough luck, because Alex Rodriguez doesn’t care about what you want at all. In fact, Alex Rodriguez hates you so much that rather than drag the divorce from his estranged with Cynthia out for months and months of hateful squabbling, he’s decided to quickly and privately reach a confidential settlement with her instead. The great big tosspot.

Still, at least now that Alex Rodriguez is properly divorced he’s free to chase after his soulmate Madonna. Or, if Madonna still hasn’t left Guy Ritchie yet, the nearest alternative – the wizened old lady who lives near him and sits on the park bench playing with herself all day. Go hit that, A-Rod.

As non-followers of American sports, we never really knew who Alex Rodriguez was – we think he’s the fifth back quarter for the New York Antelopes in the National Conkers League, but that’s a guess – until all that stuff about him and Madonna got out.

For those with either short memories or impressively effective tosh filters installed in their brains, it was widely reported earlier in the year that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were splitting up – reports apparently backed up by rumours that Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were having it off.

While Madonna’s marriage managed to withstand the claims, Rodriguez’s marriage didn’t. Incensed by reports that Alex Rodriguez called Madonna his “fucking soulmate” – and possibly by the way that Rodriguez ran off to be with Madonna about 30 seconds after the birth of his own child – his wife Cynthia Rodriguez started divorce proceedings. And maybe a bunk-up with Lenny Kravitz, too, although God knows what all that was about.

The stage was set. One one hand was a superstar athlete, on the other hand was the furious mother of his children and on the third had was a 50-year-old woman with a Nazi fixation and a number of leotards that don’t quite cover up her clodge properly. It was going to the divorce to end all divorces.

Except it wasn’t, because Alex Rodriguez has just decided to give his wife some cash, she’s decided to accept and everyone seems happy. Rubbish. The New York Post reports:

Yankee superstar A-Rod and his long-suffering wife slugged it out quickly and quietly – and now have reached a settlement to end their troubled marriage, a source told The Post last night. “They reached a settlement agreement,” said the source close to Alex Rodriguez. “It was very amicable.” The terms were not immediately disclosed.

Oh come on? Cynthia Rodriguez doesn’t even hate her ex-husband enough to string it out for a bit more? Christ, that’s pathetic. We were expecting something at least equivalent to the whole $3000 a month on porn Christie Brinkley divorce.

What could have happened? Maybe Cynthia was right all along, and Madonna can brainwash people. Maybe Madonna got to her, too, before she could reveal anything too spectacular. Still, at least we know that we’re safe from Madonna’s brainwashing. She’ll never got to uszzzz…

Madonna is good. Madonna’s new album Hard Candy is still in stores. Buy it. It’s good.

Just joking. It’s shit.

So it’s a good thing that celebrity divorces are full of such fun and delights to keep us all entertained, helping us forget that the whole experience can be physically and mentally exhausting, as well as devastating on an emotional level.

Thank Thor then, as it would seem that A-Rod’s divorce is something of a trailblazer when it comes to this new breed of entertaining divorces, or e-vorces, as we’re not really going to call them. And for once it’s not all down to the involvement of Madonna.

Yes, the man who is famous because he hits balls with a stick is in the throes of a divorce to get away from his wife, C-Rod, or whatever she’s called. Far from being the dull, lifeless and thoroughly heartbreaking incident that divorce normally tends to be, this one has been full of fun and surprises for the whole family.

Who could forget the evil mind control Madonna apparently used on A-Rod? The fact that the ancient pop-harpy is his effing soulmate? Or, more recently, the involvement of Black Ops specialists, MI6 and the CIA, in trying to help A-Rod’s side of the divorce case?

Brilliant.

But, as with everything that’s ever happened in the world, the goodness runs out. The entertainment fades. The curtains draw. And now we’re left with Alex Rodriguez and his soon-to-be-ex wife Cynthia bickering in semi-private over some petty little details. They’re not even blowing things out of proportion, or going to court and doing the public service of answering embarrassing questions. It’s so selfish of them.

Yes, we’re back to the gold standard of any divorce case – money, who gets it, whether he actually cheated on her, who gets the kids and the matter of a pre-nuptial agreement. She wants money, joint custody and for him to admit he was the master of infidelity.

He wants his money, his kids, his house and to ignore the infidelity claims.

Can’t we even get one more ridiculously overblown story out of this? Hopefully involving another strange religion, a bit more of Madonna and her gap-toothed mug and possibly some allegations of inappropriate use of a baseball bat? That would make the whole thing far more entertaining for us at hecklerspray.

And obviously that’s what really matters here – entertainment value.

But what about Madonna? Is she waiting outside the courthouse ready to lock A-Rod in a hypno-mesma-stare of doom, thus finally stealing him away forever? Alas, no, she’s attending some kind of spiritual marriage guidance, probably involving space rays or something, to try and stay with her beloved hubby Guy Ritchie… sorry, we can’t help but snigger at that.

Best of luck to all involved. We sincerely hope something monumentous occurs, so we can all have a good hard laugh about it. We were getting used to the world of e-vorces (sorry), now it seems to have gone a bit… well… normal.

Shame.

Oh yeah, that’s right – marital espionage. Luckily Alex Rodriguez’s soon-to-be ex-wife Cynthia has cottoned onto this and decided to accuse Alex of having her followed and tapping her phone.

If it’s true and Alex Rodriguez has been spying on Cynthia’s movements, it’s a pretty low thing to do. Imagine if Cynthia secretly bugged Alex – he wouldn’t like it very much, would he? Of course, it’d be easy for him to tell – if Cynthia was eavesdropping all the conversations between A-Rod and Madonna, then she’d have ended up being brainwashed into joining a spurious-looking religion as well. Foolproof.

Madonna’s always had a lot to answer for, you know – whether it’s all the bad movies she’s been in or the way she’s started widespread teen crazes like getting off with black Jesuses or having a wank near the Pope – but this time she’s gone too far. This time Madonna has got us interested in a divorce between two celebrities we really couldn’t give a sloppy plop about.

By which we mean the divorce between Alex Rodriguez, an American netball player or something, and his wife Cynthia. They’re getting divorced, in part, because Madonna might have used the ancient magic of Kabbalah to seduce him into thinking she was his effing soulmate. And now we’ve cracked the door to have a peek at Alex Rodriguez’s divorce, we’ve been floored by the Jumanji-style tidal wave that’s poured through.

This time, Cynthia Rodriguez is trying to make Alex Rodriguez admit that he’s been spying on her to try and spice up his side of the divorce. E! Online reports:

According to a routine motion filed last week in Miami-Dade Circuit Court, Cynthia Rodriguez is asking for any tape recordings, photographs, reports from investigators and all other evidence of shadowing “or other electronic surveillance conducted by [Alex] or others on [his] behalf.”

We’re praying just about as hard as we can that Alex Rodriguez didn’t spy on his wife, because there’s only one event that we can imagine he’d want to spy on – Cynthia Rodriguez’s jaunt to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. And the connotations of one grown man paying another grown man to try and take pictures of Lenny Kravitz having sex is just too gruesome to contemplate.

Hopefully this whole spying thing will be nipped in the bud now, because we don’t want to get a few months down the line and discover that Madonna’s been paying someone to wiretap Guy Ritchie’s phone as well. Forcing someone to listen to Guy Ritchie relentlessly droning on about his new movie probably constitutes torture, we’d imagine.

And that appears to be the thing that's brought an end to the marriage between Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia. She's just filed for divorce from Alex following claims that he's been involved in a bunch of secret extramarital Kabbalah nooky sessions with Madonna.

Madonna denies any romantic involvement with Alex Rodriguez, but it seems like Cynthia isn't taking the bait. She'll win her man back, that's for sure – she just needs to become the sort of woman that A-Rod likes these days first. Just watch him come running back once she's botoxed her face into total paralysis and had several metres of grotesque artificial vein surgically implanted under the skin of her arms!

As we speak, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are continuing on their hapless 'look, we're still a couple' tour of suitably public spaces – going out to dinner together, praying together, trying to gaze into each other's eyes without vomiting together – but it's fooling nobody. It might be true, but who's going to believe that Madonna's marriage is stable when all the other rumours are so flipping hilarious?

You know the rumours we're talking about – the one where Madonna has been secretly boning Alex Rodriguez after hypnotising him into the sack with the power of Kabbalah, or the one where Cynthia Rodriguez retaliated by thinking "Well, if you can have it off with an old-aged singer who's constantly declining in cultural relevancy, so can I" and ran off to Paris with Lenny Kravitz.

As unlikely as all of that sounds – it's hard to think that anyone, even Madonna, can use an ancient Jewish religious text as a seduction tool – now all kinds of weight has been added to those rumours, because Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from A-Rod, citing his 'long period of infidelity'.

Or, to put it in a much more amusing way, let's quote Alex Rodriguez's former trainer Dodd Romero:

“Alex, God bless him, is lost. I think he got pulled in by the dark side, if you can say that nicely. He’s totally brainwashed….[Cynthia] believes that is what ruined the marriage.” 

You're thinking about Madonna's dark side, aren't you? You're imagining that it's a euphemism for bum sex, aren't you? No? It's just us again? Seriously?

Anyway, news of this divorce looks set to spark off a fiercely-fought battle for the custody of the Rodriguez kids. It'll be a close-run thing, because there's not a court in the land who'd be able to choose between a father who allegedly abandoned his youngest daughter right after she was born for a cosy night in with Madonna and a mother who abandoned her shortly afterwards so she could go on a cosy break to Paris with Lenny Kravitz. They're both clearly brilliant parents.

But we're just presuming that Alex Rodriguez's marriage has crumbled because of a sexual encounter with Madonna. We could be completely wrong – after all, Guy Ritchie can give Madonna so much more than Rodriguez ever could. How can a multimillionaire athlete ever compete with a spuddy-looking bloke who can cast Madonna in a woeful direct-to-DVD romantic comedy movie whenever he likes? Exactly – Guy wins every time.