cy waits - HecklerSpray

Ask Paris Hilton If She’s Past It And She’ll Strop Off And Then Show You A Kennel Posher Than Your House

July 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paris Hilton is a woman who is, of yet, still to reveal her talents to us, despite being fantastically famous. Sure, she’s had a couple of television shows and a record out… but so has Handy Andy from Changing Rooms.

Doggedly, she remains. She is now famous simply by the virtue of willing it. She just keeps standing there and saying it. “I’m famous. I’m famous. I’m famous.” However, is her star on the wane?

In fact, are ‘celebutantes’ becoming a thing of the past? Whatever you do, don’t ask Paris that or she’ll promptly walk out on you in a massive huff.

hecklerspray Writer Gets Arrested Again For Stalking Paris Hilton

July 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve long enjoyed stalking celebrities in their homes. It gives us not only a sense of knowing the celebrity that little bit more, but also, a sense of achievement. Ever scaled an electrified security fence covered in vandal grease and then sneaked through a tiny lavatory window undetected? You haven’t lived.

Sadly though, the vandal paint provides an excellent tracking system as dirty great footprints chart your progress to-and-from the knicker drawer.

And we’ve found this out to our expense again as ‘scribe Dep. Ed., Michael Park has once again been arrested outside Paris Hilton’s Hollywood Hills home in Malibu. We’ve give the exact address but we’re hoarding it for ourselves and giving to it Michael as a gift on his release. We’ve also got a picture of Michael’s arrest for your delectation.

Paris Hilton And Her Anonymous Penis Donor Have Parted Ways

June 21st, 2011 By Michael Park

You remember Paris Hilton, don’t you? Come on readers. Try a bit harder. She’s that night vision girl that you’ve seen performing fellatio on a man with no personality. No? She’s tall… blonde… denser than the singularity of a black hole? No? Really? She’s the heir to the Hilton hotel chain and- frankly- if you still don’t remember who she is then you might as well click on the little ‘x’ in the corner of your browser and save us all some trouble.

However, after a year spent only riding one penis as though it’s a disappointed bucking bronco, Hilton and her boyfriend of a year and a half Cy Waits have ”amicably” decided to end their relationship.

Still- no relationship really ends amicably, does it? Sure, you can try to remain friends and make sure that the people closest to you don’t have any sense of awkwardness or worse, feel as though they have to pick sides but regardless of these efforts, someone always comes out of it badly and looking like a petty scumbag.

It’s Your Fault Paris Hilton Lost Her Star Power. And For That, We Thank You.

June 8th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

First things first. We’re using ‘star power’ in its loosest of meanings. As loose as a certain part of Paris Hilton’s very anatomy, you might say. She had some strange kind of fame that was based on a filthy tape that was meant to be sent to a nature channel but some perverts packaged it as another kind of tape – we’ll have you know, nature channels the world over are still feeling the loss.

Last week, Paris upped her promotional obligations ahead of the debut of her latest reality show. Appearing on show after show, Paris never seemed to realise that her original fans from a decade ago had aged out and had already moved on to Law & Order reruns.

Even appearing with her mother, who co-stars on the show, didn’t endear Paris to her audience.

Paris Hilton’s Boyfriend Keeps Getting Punched By A Lunatic

April 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

While many of us may have daydreamed about punching a celebrity, very few of us actually get around to doing it. That’s because that’s the actions of a madman. And mercifully for us, there’s a few mad sorts knocking around to do exactly that!

Yes indeed, there’s a chap in Hollywood who has been accused of punching Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. His name is Cy Waits. Not that you care.

Either way, a man has been arrested for (allegedly) Waits outside an L.A. courtroom. That comes on the back of this insane fella getting arrested for ‘an incident’ at Hilton’s home last year. And it gets better. Wait ’til you hear about him destined to marry Hilton.

Paris Hilton Is The World’s Thinnest Racist According To Somebody Or Other

March 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paris Hilton doesn’t really have any noticeable talent but, like the best punks, she’s a very enthusiastic amateur in everything she does. People chuck opportunities her way and, like anyone, she’s says “sure, why not?”

She’s constantly indulging in the celebrity equivalent of overtime.? Some of you expect her to say “Um, no thanks… who ever fancied having a stab at pop stardom?” Dithering quarterwits.

And so, she’s tried acting, singing, failing to recognise the difference between gum and wraps of cocaine… she’s tried her hand at presenting, writing, fashion designing, claiming innocence over a probably intentional leak of a sex tape and, now, the latest string to her bow is racism. Or so someone claims who isn’t us, just in case a bunch of lawyers are looking on.

Paris Hilton’s Absinthe Cake Is Stolen From Her Birthday Party As Earth Enters End-Game

February 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Never let it be said that hecklerspray doesn’t bring you the really important, hard-hitting news. While every Tom, Dick and Harry tries their hand at overthrowing their government, Britain decides to close down libraries filled with the opportunity for self-improvement and betterment, the world stood still when the news broke of Paris Hilton’s birthday cake going missing.

We’re currently setting up a helpline for those of you who are going to be hit hard by this news (by which we mean ‘everyone on planet Earth’), but before that, you need to know what happened.

Paris Hilton celebrated her 30th birthday (three years ’til she hits the same age Jesus died at when he saved humankind from sin, much like Paris is trying to do by getting all the sins in she can so we don’t have to) and her cake went walkies.

Paris Hilton’s Boyfriend Might Be Going To Prison, Which Will Probably Be Incredibly Distressing

January 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The world’s most useful celebrity – Paris Hilton – is a shit-magnet. By which we mean, she exists solely to be a bit thick, a simpletonery that will consistently get her into moral or legal trouble with everyone.

While actors and musicians can claw their way from trouble by reminding us what they’re good at, celebrutantes only appear on our radars when they’re in some kind of scrape or bother.

This either makes you jealous because you’re under the impression they have constantly decadent, wonderful lives or, you glare at them with contempt because you still don’t understand why people are so obsessed with them. Or, in the case of this story, someone who knows a celebutante. It’s the news twice removed!