Tim Minchin has had a pop at ITV after his live performance of satirical Christmas song WoodyAllenJesus was cut from last night’s Jonathan Ross show. For the first time in his life, he can feel like he’s some kind of modern day Bill Hicks.

Bill Hicks got a routine kicked off Letterman. Don’t you pillocks know anything?

Anyway, Minchin claims that the broadcaster’s director of television, Peter Fincham, removed the song “because he’s scared of the ranty, shit-stirring, right-wing press, and of the small minority of Brits who believe they have a right to go through life protected from anything that challenges them in any way“. Fightin’ talk.

The track (watch it below if you can’t stand the thought of reading this article – suffice to say, it’s the usual whimsy you’d expect from a man who uses straighteners) likens Jesus to a whole bunch of stuff like Woody Allen, Derren Brown as well as lizards and zombies.

Minchin wrote on his whiny blog about it:

“It’s not a particularly original idea, I admit, but it’s quite cute. It’s certainly not very contentious, but even so, compliance people and producers and lawyers all checked my lyrics long before the cameras rolled… [Producer] Suzi and her team edited the show and everybody was happy.

“Suzi felt it had a nice balance of big-ticket celeb action, local talent, and a nice bit of that cheeky, iconoclastic spirit for which Jonathan is known and widely loved. And then someone got nervous and sent the tape to ITV’s director of television, Peter Fincham. And Peter Fincham demanded that I be cut from the show.”

Ross later Tweeted:

“Really gutted that the brilliant @timminchin song has been cut from my show. Decision was out of my hands.”

Of course, it isn’t surprising that ITV would act like massive bitches when it comes to anything involving something vaguely contentious, although, they’re pretty happy to film mentally ill celebrities and follow them around on ITV2 in fly-on-the-wall shows… so… who knows?

No-one really expects anything good from ITV, ever, do they?

An ITV spokesperson told comedy site Chortle:

‘It’s not unusual for there to be changes to the show in the edit, as we shoot more than goes out, and we felt the tone wasn’t quite right for the Christmas show. But we do think Tim’s very talented and would love him to work with him on ITV shows again in the future.’”

hecklerspray’s been asked to guest-spot on Ugly Betty thousands of times, but we keep turning them down as none of the scripts featured us making love to the sun on the back of a saddled lion.

It’s our one requirement. You hear that Betty producers? Our ONE requirement!

Lindsay Lohan has also been asked to be on the show for a multi-episode arc. Although her part will probably be horribly written with no celestial/planetary love-making on top of tamed animals whatsoever, she took them up on it anyway. Now everyone on-set regrets offering her the part, and her six episode stint has been hacked down to four just to get her out the door a little faster.

The former and future straight Ms. Lindsay Lohan has a lot on her plate nowadays. Not only will she single handedly drag Barack Obama all the way into the presidency of something or other, but she also has to constantly remember to publicly hate her dad every chance she gets – and that’ll just take a toll.

We imagine that is exactly what happened on the set of Ugly Betty, a show that revolves around the misgivings of a rather large toad, from all we can tell. Lohan was supposed to be on set for six entire episodes, but folks say she clashed to much with the show’s star, American Ferrari. Or something.

Here’s what Page Six knows:

“IT got so ugly on the set of “Ugly Betty” between Lindsay Lohan and the popular ABC show’s star, America Ferrera, that Lohan was cut from an agreed-upon six episodes to four. One production source said, “It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess.”"

And what specifically happened on the set to merit Lohan’s rapid ejection from the building? Something about smoking all the time, making that Ferrari girl do things first, and constantly clipping pictures of herself out of tabloids. Also there were reports about Lindsay climbing onto the hanging lights and liquid pooping straight onto a fast-spinning ceiling fan.

Things like that wouldn’t really happen if Sam Ronson would just hide the stool softener. Seriously Sam – at least do it on work days.

The Large Hadron Collider is switched on today, starting an experiment that could either unlock the universe or utterly destroy it – but forget that.

We can talk about the destruction of the universe any time we want. But today? Today something big has happened. Something huge. Something that will make a small-scale replication of The Big Bang look like a floury trump. People – Victoria Beckham has cut her hair.

We know, we know. Sit down. Breathe into a paper bag if it helps. Victoria Beckham has had a haircut and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. But it’s not just that Victoria Beckham cut her hair – it’s the fact that Victoria Beckham has cut her hair quite short. Remember this day well – one day your grandchildren will ask you what you were doing when you realised Victoria Beckham had cut her hair quite short.

Victoria Beckham, as we all know, is a style icon. Victoria Beckham’s tenure as Posh Spice practically invented the notion of the moody teenager, as thousands of young girls tried to copy their surly hero. And there wasn’t even such a thing as teenage pregnancy before Victoria Beckham got knocked up and everyone copied her. And, oh remember that brief fad last year where you’d only see supermodels being chased around by packs of angry pigs? That was Victoria Beckham’s idea first.

That’s how much of a style icon Victoria Beckham is. When she does something, everyone follows. That’s why so many women are married to shit-thick footballers with silly voices, and it’s also why you’re going to see an awful lot of chavs blundering round with horrible pixie haircuts before long.

That’s right – Victoria Beckham has had a haircut. A proper haircut. A boy’s haircut. Hello reports:

The queen of hair reinvention has done it again. Victoria Beckham unveiled her most daring cut ever, with an elfin crop that will invite comparisons with the Spice Girl’s style icon Audrey Hepburn.

You hear that? It’s Victoria Beckham’s most daring cut ever. Now, copyright restrictions ban us from being able to show you what Victoria Beckham’s haircut looks like, so we’ll have to try to explain exactly how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut actually is.

It’s made of broken glass, for a start, and Victoria has accessorised it with several pairs of open scissors, 28 gallons of petrol and a lit cigarette. What’s more, Victoria Beckham has used her millions to employ a full-size stunt motorcyclist to constantly burn doughnuts around the circumference of her scalp 24 hours a day. And it sings the German national anthem. And, every time Victoria Beckham has an orginal though, her hair actually ejaculates. That’s how daring Victoria Beckham’s new haircut it. Truly she is the queen of hair reinvention.

Obviously that’s a lie. What Victoria Beckham has actually done is go to the hairdressers and say “Cut most of it off, please.” And the resulting style makes her look like one of the following:

* A gay man

* Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell

* Pauline Quirke‘s shadow at midday

* Cancer Kylie

* The Roswell alien cadaver

* A pastel drawing of Natalie Portman, created by a blind man who hates Natalie Portman and the idea of hair.

Great going Victoria. No, really.