But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

It’s easy to mock David Duchovny for his sex addiction, but that’s only because we don’t know the pain that a sex addiction can cause. Imagine it – a constant string of guilt-free casual sex with hundreds of willing young girls hypnotised by your fame and wealth. God, that sounds bloody terrible. If that was us we’d probably shoot our own face off.

And this living nightmare is precisely why David Duchovny sought treatment for his sex addiction. Well, that or because his wife either found him having sex with another woman or slapping his little acorn until it blistered to a fanny-coloured pixel-orgy on the internet.

Whatever the cause, David Duchovny has essentially given the world a mental image of his bright-red screwed-up face bearing down a couple of inches away from a girl’s face while his bottom pumps away at her like a horrible slappy flesh machine, and for that he owes us all a heavy debt.

But that’s all in the past. The old sweaty-nippled cock monster David Duchovny, the one who couldn’t pass a girl in the street without hammering his foot on the ground until steam came out of his ears, has been replaced by a new David Duchovny – one who may as well be a monk or something. Reuters reports:

In a statement on Monday, [Duchovny's attorney] Stanton said Duchovny “has successfully completed rehabilitation. He is out and will very soon begin work on his new movie,” Stanton said. Stein declined to say where the actor had been treated or when he left the center.

Phew. This is certainly good news for everyone involved. Duchovny’s wife Tea Leoni has reigned in her husband’s worst excesses, David Duchovny’s future co-stars can go to work knowing that they’ll never have their concentration broken by the sight of a middle-aged man trying to hammer his erect penis through the letterbox in their trailer, and – best of all – David Duchovny gets to transfer his addictive personality onto something less harmful, like heroin or infanticide.

God knows where this leaves Californication, though. Surely starring in a TV show about a renowned sex addict will only hinder David Duchovny’s continued recovery. Maybe David should think about making a new show that better reflects his current situation – maybe, say, one about a frustrated writer who can’t walk down the street without everyone around him collapsing in fits of laughter because he can’t control his funny little todger.