However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.

In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.

So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.

Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?

We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.

It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.

More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:

“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”

In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:

“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”

Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.

We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.

Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.

Or, to put it another way, Piers Morgan went to America looking for success, and America (and by America we mean Donald Trump) looked back at Piers Morgan and replied: "Sure, why not? You're a man with all the qualities required to succeed here. Your wish is our command".

What is wrong with America? It all started off so positively some 40,000 years ago when a bunch of wandering nomads from Asia decided to set up camp. They had a quaint little society going on, and for thousands of years everything was wonderful, but then in 1492 some Italian named Chris landed on the shore and it all turned to shit.

Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, then Will and Grace, and now this, the ultimate coup de grace – Piers Morgan – whose list of crimes include making people feel sympathy for Jeremy Clarkson, being editor of the News Of The World once, and having the name Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. Commenting on Morgan's performance in the show, touped-twat Donald Trump told him:

"You're a vicious guy; I've seen it … You're tough, you're smart,
you're probably brilliant, I'm not sure. You're certainly not
diplomatic, but you did an amazing job and you beat the hell out of
everybody."

The final task on Thursday's finale was to hold a charity event and raise as much money as possible. Morgan's rival, country singer Trace Adkins, had the duty of babysitting The Backstreet Boys, while Piers was responsible for the auction and food.

Trace sold more tickets, but Stefan Pughe raised the most money, earning an additional $250,000 (£125,000) for his charity.

And what was Morgan's chosen charity? Why it was the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, which provides support for families of U.S. military personnel who have died in the line of duty.

Which is all very well, but it just goes to prove that, no matter how much of an utter cunt you are, if you cheer loud enough in support of the troops, all will be forgiven, even if you had previously been sacked for publishing faked photographs of Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army personnel.

Whatever, America, you can have him, but don't doubt for one moment that this is anything other than your Judgement Day. So long, it's been good to know ya.

But still, Jane Fonda is mortified that she said 'cunt' live on the Today show, and she's done nothing but sincerely apologise with all her heart for corrupting a planet's moral sensibilities ever since.

OK, that's not strictly true. Jane Fonda hasn't apologised at all for saying 'cunt' on TV. But she has got her rep to apologise. Well, sort of apologise – the jist of the apology is that everyone should should shut up because Jane Fonda didn't invent the word 'cunt' – but, until someone builds some sort of cunt rehab for Jane Fonda to attend, that's probably as good as we'll get. 

There's nothing we like more than a good shitstorm, be it one initiated by a chocolate Christ or a racist bounty hunter or a young girl not wearing a seatbelt once. So we should really stand up and applaud Jane Fonda for her sterling dedication to the cause yesterday.

In case you missed it, Jane Fonda said 'cunt' on live daytime TV yesterday. And it was glorious – like when the Sex Pistols appeared on Bill Grundy, only with a self-absorbed old lady in a powersuit instead of some dirty-looking boys with excessive saliva problems. In fact, it was better than that, because the Sex Pistols said 'fuck' and Jane Fonda said 'cunt'. And cunt beats fuck. Everyone knows that. 

However, in the cold light of day things aren't so rosy. Chances are that the Today show broadcaster NBC is going to get slapped with a gigantic fine because of Jane Fonda's potty mouth. The Today show has already issued an apology for Cuntgate, and now it's Jane Fonda's turn, too.

Except that instead of Jane Fonda apologising, her rep Pat Kingsley did the apologising on Jane's behalf. And 'apology' seems like quite a strong word for what was actually said. The New York Daily News reports:

"She didn't say it to be shocking. She was just quoting the title of her scene in 'The Vagina Monologues,'" said Fonda's flack Pat Kingsley. "She didn't come up with the word." Kingsley said the "Barbarella" actress, who was scheduled to perform the play last night at Madison Square Garden, regretted using the word, insisting "it was a slip. "She certainly meant no disrespect," Kingsley said.

Of course, there's the argument that the word 'cunt' is an integral part of The Vagina Monologues – which Jane Fonda was ostensibly on air to discuss – so it's only natural that the word should crop up. Plus it's in The Canterbury Tales, and if it's good enough for Chaucer, it's probably good enough for the Monster In Law lady.

But, still, we expect that there's still more of this backlash (cuntlash?) to come from the offended majority. However, should Jane Fonda have the balls to ride it out without apologising properly, it could open up a brand new set of career opportunities for her.

And let's face it, that L'Oreal skincare advert that Jane Fonda does would be so much better if it ended with her saying "I'm 68, you fucking shitbags," wouldn't it. Wouldn't it? Hello?

Read more:

Jane Fonda apologizes for off-color slang on 'Today' show – NY Daily News 

Cunt. Jane Fonda just said 'cunt' on live TV.

Jane Fonda, lord bless her, was on the Today show this morning talking about The Vagina Monologues. And instead of saying 'fanny' or 'minge' or 'vagina' or 'tumpsy', Jane Fonda went right out and said 'cunt'. And nobody even noticed for a while. 

Video? Of course we've got video. 

Old people are so much fun. Not just because they complain about everything and sometimes fall over in the street, but because when an old person swears it is the greatest gift that this Earth has to offer. And we're in the middle of a veritable golden age of swearing oldies at the moment.

Not so long ago Diane Keaton said 'fuck' on live TV because she was so overwhelmed by another woman's lips. But that's nothing. Anyone can say 'fuck' on TV and get away with it. But 'cunt'? It takes some real balls to say 'cunt' on live TV. And Jane Fonda is the woman with those balls.

For a woman primarily famous for taking her clothes off in slow motion in space, Jane Fonda has carved out something of a niche for herself as a firebrand. Jane Fonda has shouted about George Bush, she's taken Lindsay Lohan to task for being a bit of a dick and she's mumbled apologetically about a war that happened decades ago.

But that's not what Jane Fonda will be remembered for. No. Jane Fonda will be remembered as the old lady who said 'cunt' live on the Today show. 

Oh, we've kept you in suspense for long enough – here's the Jane Fonda Cuntgate video from the Today show earlier today…

Now, although neither of the other women sitting on the sofa seemed to even bat an eyelid at jane Fonda for saying the worst word in all the world, Today host Meredith Viera quickly scarpered onscreen to be more apologetic than any human has ever been since the dawn of time:

"We were talking about The Vagina Monologues and Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don't say on television. It was a slip and obviously she apologizes, and so do we. We would do nothing to offend the audience. So please accept that apology."

Despite the apology, the Today show looks like it might be in for a heavy fine thanks to Jane Fonda's dirty mouth. However, perhaps some of the heat will be taken away from the incident next week when Dame Judi Dench goes on The View and tells Barbara Walters to 'fucking stick you motherfucking fuckcunt up your nose.'

Read more:

Jane Fonda Shocks Today Show with 'C-Word' – People