As we’ve already made abundantly clear on this very day, no-one wants to see myriad bands reforming to remind us of why we thought they were a bit awful in the first place.We thought we’d just get that out of the way to start with.

Secondly, the answer to the question ‘Why do bands reform?’ is never ‘For the music, maaaaaaannnnn.’. It is, invariably, “for the money, maaaaaaannnnn.”

Whether we like it or not, the music industry is a big wheel that keeps on turning, spewing out derivative crap with every clicking cog. That’s not the problem, it really isn’t. There is still good music out there and even some of the launched faeces eventually breaks down into a diamond.

The real problem is that the music industry and the music press makes it very, very easy for bands to reform with the veiled intention of making shedloads of cash while claiming that they’re coming back to fill the void left by a move away from rock n’ roll to twink pop nonsense.

We meant to mention by the way, Pete Townshend of The Who doesn’t think he’s capable of writing hit songs any more. He also regrets ever joining the band in the first place because being ‘typecast’ as a member of The Who has stifled his solo career. The solo career he would never have had a hope of having without The Who. Townshend is so delusional and desperate to stay in the limelight that it comes as little surprise to hear that he and Roger Daltrey (of ‘once in an episode of CSI’ fame) are planning to re-release the classic Who album ‘Quadrophenia’.

Are they content with the millions of dollarpounds that the re-release will draw in? No! Of course they’re not!

They’re also planning to take the album on an over-priced stadium tour where tickets will cost £100, t-shirts will cost £25 and the audience will have to remortgage their homes in order to afford a pint of the stagnant urine which laughably passes for lager at stadium venues.

Yes, that’ll really recapture the old days, won’t it? Fans of The Who, we have nothing against you but don’t fall for all this diluted nonsense which is designed for one thing and one thing only; to get you to part with your cash. These old boys of rock have enough. Keep it in your pockets. Go and stand in a sweaty, packed little venue that you got into for free, drinking real alcohol that you paid £1.50 for and see if you can find a band that you really, really like.

Maybe give them £100. Maybe become their manager. Maybe make them the best damn rock outfit since The Who. It sure beats lining the coffins of the money-hungry reformers.

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Justin Bieber’s brattish behaviour is well documented… mainly on these pages, but still. He is. While he’s barely developed a solid skull or fingernails, he’s still managed to grow a resentment for the world that is borderline impressive.

And so, when JB’s CSI co-star, Mary Helgenberger, claimed that he was “kind of a brat” on set, which saw the walking egg punching a cake full on in the face, he’s decided to hit back.

The crooning baby has kicked his little legs and thrown all of his toys out of the pram and branded Mary Helgenberger’s comments as “kinda lame.” SUCK ON THAT HELGENBERGER!

Taking to celebrity confession booth, twitter, Bieber decided that Helgenberger shouldn’t be allowed an opinion on Bieber’s behaviour (Biebaviour? No. That looks too much like ‘saviour’ for our liking), spitting back:

“It’s kinda lame when someone you met briefly and never worked with comments on you. I will continue to wish them luck and be kind.”

The sneaky little shithouse. He’s gritting his teeth and being all nice to try and take the table with good manners and morals.

“I know who i am and sometimes people r just going 2 say what they want. Keep ur head up and be the man ur mama raised. #killemwithkindness.”

Yes, but if ‘ur mama’ raised a spoiled little git face? What about that eh? ‘Ur mama’ teach you about rape being wrong all the time too?

He then had a word for us, saying:

“don’t spread gossip and don’t spread rumors about others… im a kid and I know that. #respect.”

Sadly, this comes from a child who wrote, without a hint of irony ‘There are lots of things I like besides girls – Like pizza. And pranking. And Chuck Norris.‘

We can only hope Chuck has a roundhouse kick with Bieber’s name on it.

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We’ve been telling you all for ages that Justin Bieber is a jumped-up little brat. Most didn’t believe us (who could blame you?), but now, his CSI co-star, Mary Helgenberger, has dished the dirt on the little shit’s stroppy behaviour.

Helgenberger, who plays Catherine Willows, has had a pop at the amniotic popstar after being left distinctly unimpressed with the way he acted on-set.

This all comes on the back of a whole bunch of events that underline Bieber’s snotty attitude. He’s been scalded by staff on a recent flight, been seen flipping the bird at photographers, treating his fans with disdain, causing a ruckus in a holy place, allegedly cheating on his girlfriend Selena Gomez and now, worst of the worst, he’s punched a cake in the face.

Mary told all to a French radio station, saying: over her thoughts towards Bieber, leaving her to admit that during his time on set, he acted childishly.

“I shouldn’t be saying this, but he was kind of a brat”

“He was very nice to me, but he locked one of the producers in a closet, and he put his fist through a cake that was on the actors’ table.”

Cake charities all over the world have been outraged by this news.

Katherine Shawcross of ‘Cake Respect Action People’ tweeted:

“This appalling behaviour has no place in modern society. Bieber should apologise now”

Later adding

“How would this little berk like it if a cake punched him in his barely developed nut sack? THE MOSTER”

So why did Justin Bieber punch a cake? Sounds like he was having some kind of tantrum to us, which is not surprising given that the singer is roughly 80 seconds old.

Of course, this will be terrible news for his legions of screaming fans who have been under the impression that Bieber is the greatest human who ever lived.

We await the inevitable leak of some tapes which see him berating his suffering staff or slagging his young fans off.

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Bless Justin Bieber. The constant drip-feed of his every action keeps sharks like us in articles and screaming moo-brains like you in tittle-tattle. It is this tittle-tattle that keeps you mentalists in the belief that you, like, reeeally know Justin… like… he’s more like a friend than a famous person… he’s like, totally down to Earth.

You simpering great tits.

Anyway, the latest drip-tray offering is that Bieber has been hilariously hospitalised during filming a scene in CSI. So what’s happened? A massive fall while doing a stunt, breaking his bendy, underdeveloped spine? He accidentally tore off his umbilical cord when it got caught in a door? Of course not – this is Justin Bieber and it’s as pathetic as the chorus to ‘Baby’.

The 1-year-old superstar pop sensation had breathing troubles while filming scenes for his upcoming appearance on CSI.

He hadn’t been doing anything interesting like inhaling bags of glue fumes or completing a daring scene in a smoky room, but rather, he had a slight allergic reaction. The big soft shit.

A rep said:

“He is fine. He had a mild allergic reaction while they were wrapping up last night on the set of ‘CSI.’ His doctor met him at the hospital to make sure everything was OK. He was released within the hour after his doctor declared him fine. He is back on set working today. All is well.”

So what? Did someone flick a peanut through the thin film that covers his nostrils? Did he get itchy eyes after sitting near a cat? Seriously Bieber, if you want to be a proper superstar, then you’re going to have to up the ante with your life. As it stands, this 3D movie of yours that is coming out soon could well be the most boring thing ever committed to film.

Still, it seems Bieber does want some death in his life, tweeting:

“Ok last day on the set as a #badass. Gonna get deadly today.”

Get that? Deadly. He’s going to kill someone. That’s more like it. Maybe he’s going to try and bump off Selena Gomez who keeps getting in the way of him trying to finger his fans?

We’ll be on-hand to report all about it if he does decide to go postal.

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Dita Von Teese, stocking wearing, burlesque performing, porcelain doll and former wife of Marilyn Manson has offensive boobies.  That’s according to CBS. Not us. We kind of like them.

The ever-so-lovely-if-a-little-bit-anaemic Von Teese was filming a guest appearance in CSI.  She will be playing a teacher who, shock-horror and surprise, moonlights as a burlesque performer.

Well, ping our garter elastic, there’s a surprise!  A burlesque performer playing a teacher who is, in fact, a burlesque performer. We hope that is not the big plot twist of the episode.

Getting back to the point. Boobies. In the episode ‘A Kiss Before Frying’, Von Teese lives the double life of school ma’am/gyrating temptress, and to artistically represent the conflicting dichotomy of these diametrically opposed raison d’etres, norks were unleashed.

All in the interest of art of course.

CBS bosses initially decided that Von Teese would best be able to represent her character’s inner turmoil through the excessive exposure of bouncy great chesticles. Which seems a bit patronising really. Dita’s not exactly new to the acting world – she was in Bound in Stockings and in Naked and Helpless. And who could ever forget Tickle Party: Volume 2?

Perhaps the CBS execs were disappointed by the performance her cleavage gave, because they promptly backtracked.  They deemed the double act “offensive”, which Dita doesn’t seem to be pleased with;

“There was a lot of network talk about my ‘offensive cleavage’, which I found interesting considering how much blood and gore there is. We had to take it down a notch.”

Which is a rather good point.

CSI includes gruesome details of imaginative new ways to bump off your fellow man. A lot of people die horribly in CSI. Yet the thought of a bit of skin seems to send the poor chaps at CBS into a bit of a tizz.

Luckily Dita rescued the whole fiasco with a solid and refined performance;

“I think it is important to try new things and I hope my efforts come off well, this was a much bigger role than I originally thought.”

Good for you pet, we’re looking forward to it.  Although we are still waiting for Tickle Party 3D.

The episode will air on CBS on 20th January in the US.  So we’ll have it in the UK at some point in the distant future, long after you’ve forgotten about this article, you bastards.

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Bottle magnet and prepubescent underpant creamer, Justin Bieber, has been approached to appear in another episode of CSI, show bosses have confirmed. It must be lovely to know that all your clever writing and camera work is completely drowned out by the sound of screaming simpletons.

TV execs don’t care though. They love the spike in interest that Bieber pretty much guarantees. Anyway, there are various reports stating that Bieber, who stars in the crime drama’s 11th season premiere, has been asked to reprise his role as a “troubled teen who is faced with a terrible decision regarding his only brother”.

The quandary being “Do I tell him that I’m going to sing at him until his eye sockets bleed, or not?”

Creator Don McGill, writer Carol Mendelsohn and producer Anthony Zuiker said in a joint statement:

“Every 20 years, a phenomenon like Justin Bieber graces our world. We’d like to believe that the phenomenon of CSI has had the same impact on popular culture.

“The opportunity to bring them together in the premiere is a great treat for our audience and all of its new viewers. This will be true event television.”

Mendelsohn also revealed that the prenatal singer shows his darker side in the episode, saying:

“We think he’s this really good kid who’s put in this very bad situation. But we will get a glimmer at the end of the [premiere] that perhaps he’s not the good kid we thought!”

Bieber’s debut will air on September 23rd and he’ll return in February.
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The Justin Bieber phenomenon is a strange one. Naturally, he’s not the first dancing foetus to capture the hearts and minds of a planet’s pubeless, but nevertheless, he’s a strange one. Y’see, way back when, tiny crooners were all sexless and hokey. Think of Little Jimmy Osmond, New Edition and Aaron Carter. Now we’ve Justin Bieber who thrusts his tiny little hips and talks like Poochie from The Simpsons – “Wassup man, how you doin’?… “It’s like, you know, whateva’ “.

And the trick works. There’s countless videos on YouTube of his mental fans screaming and fainting at the mere mention of his name and, in one case, a real life version of Frogger is played out as lanky 12 year old girls dodge cars as they run after him – who happens to be travelling at 30mph in a limo. Idiots. Fandom doesn’t make you suddenly become Usain Bolt.

So he can (kinda) sing and make small girls produce a milky substance. What next? Acting of course.

And in a move that will ensure that huge ratings are met, TV crime series CSI have given Bieber a role in the show.

Will he be playing something gritty and surprising? Maybe he’ll appear as a child prostitute who has murdered his pimp in cold-blood by choking him with the lead from his TV set? His harrowing journey through PCP induced nightmares reveals a broken, shattered child who was asked to grow-up too soon.

He then runs into trouble with cohorts of his pimp, which sees Bieber’s character stealing knives from a kitchen wholesalers, climaxing in a bloody hack and slash scene which will ‘push the boundaries of decency and gore’. Alas, there will be a happy ending as the CSI team understand that he’s the product of abuse and train him up to be a policeman, ready to save the world from scum.

That’s what is going to happen, right?

Is it bollocks. Bieber will play a troubled teen (think Dawson’s Creek) who is faced with a difficult decision regarding his sibling.

The singer will appear in the season premiere of CSI in September and then make other appearances later in the year as his storyline concludes.

Producers say:

“We’d like to believe that the phenomenon of ‘CSI’ has had the same impact on popular culture. The opportunity to bring them together in the premiere is a great treat for our audience and all of its new viewers. This will be true event television.”

Nice try. Justin Bieber has been hired because they know just how mental his fans are. Just wait ’til his balls drop and he grows a moustache. The fans will be running in the road for different reasons altogether… though they’ll no doubt claim that they’ll LUV HIM 4EVA!

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It really isn’t very nice reading stories about those acting types and how much they actually earn for what they consider ‘work’.

Now sure, if it’s someone like the Baler losing ridiculous amounts of weight (or putting it back on to be Batman), or generally any kind of actor that’s willing to put their body on the line and actually change themselves physically or mentally to help their performance, then fair enough.

But when you’re Charlie Sheen? Come on. You don’t really deserve that much for your acting talent, do you? Sure, you were entertaining in ‘Hot Shots’, but does that mean you should be able to command $825,000 (about £420,000) per episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’, thus making you the highest paid TV actor in the US?

Apparently it does. Colour us confused.

It’s difficult to argue that there’s much genuine talent on show when Charlie takes to the screen on ‘Two and a Half Men’.

Yes, he is capable in his role and can get some laughs from you – though they do tend to be the kind of laughs where you want to immediately gouge your throat out for creating such a sound in the first place, then probably spay yourself – but the fact of the matter is, he isn’t really acting.

Yes folks, Charlie earns what is approaching a million dollars per episode, overall around $20 million a season, playing a man who prefers his life of womanising, lazy luxury to that of a man who actually works hard to earn what he deserves.

He’s being paid a crapload of money to pretend as if he’s actually Charlie Sheen. Which he is. Sometimes there is no justice in this world. Just behind Sheen on the earn-o-meter was William Petersen of ‘CSI’.

Like we said – no justice.

Craig Tomashoff, editor of TV Guide, in which the results of the highest-earner poll were posted, said:

“[Sheen and Petersen] are at the very top of their game and are the best at what they do. You’d expect them to be at the top of the scale.”

Which, frankly, comes across as a load of rubbish. There are far better TV actors out there who deserve far more money for what they do.

Rather than appealing to the lowest common denominator (while at the same time barely even acting), these people push themselves, see what they do as an artform and truly care enough to not make countless spinoffs, specials and other watered-down rubbish that completely devalues the original artistic vision.

Basically, hecklerspray is just annoyed that the cast and crew of The Wire weren’t just given all the money in the world as a thanks for being incredible. That would have been deserved in every way, shape and form.

Oh well, at least Charlie Sheen can spend his vast amounts of cash entertaining us all outside of his televisual work. Thanks, Charlie!

Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

Working in a long-running day in/ day out TV drama series can’t be too much fun at the best of times – not only does the constant turnaround of episodes mean that you’re effectively a glorified sweatshop worker, but you become so intertwined with the character in the public eye that should you ever go off the rails and, say, waggle your penis at a co-worker or scream the word ‘Faggot!’ as loud as you can on set, your career is virtually kaput.

So things don’t exactly look great for CSI actor Gary Dourdan, who’s been arrested on suspicion of drug possession. Big time drug possession. Possession of so many drugs that he probably needed to poke a snorkel out of the top of his sunroof so he didn’t suffocate on all the drugs he’s been arrested on suspicion of possessing.

And Gary Dourdan would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t for the fact that he appears to be a bit of a stupid halfwit. E! Online reports:

The Palm Springs PD said the 41-year-old actor was busted at approximately 5:12 a.m. when officers approached his vehicle, which was parked on the wrong side of the street at the time. The officer who spotted the vehicle said … that Dourdan appeared to be asleep behind the wheel. According to the police report, the arresting officer described Dourdan as “disoriented” and appearing to be under the influence of either drugs or alcohol.

So far so George Michael, we know. But what really set Gary Dourdan apart from the crowd was the way that his car was apparently filled with cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, an assortment of prescription drugs and all sorts of drug paraphenalia when he was arrested. Dourdan was taken to a police station, booked with possession of narcotics and possession of dangerous drugs and released on $5,000 bail.

Now it’d be wrong for us to judge Gary Dourdan for this arrest because he hasn’t actually been found guilty of anything yet. For that to be determined, there needs to be a thorough investigation of the car that Dourdan was found asleep in. A crime scene investigation, you might say.

And if we’d ever managed to sit through more than ten minutes of CSI without realising that it was a bag of shit and turning over to watch anything – anything, sports, Columbo, cartoons, Jeremy Kyle, Natasha Kaplinsky, anything – else instead, then we’d probably have some idea of what that investigation would involve. But we’ve never done that. CSI is rubbish.

In fact, if you take one thing away from Gary Dourdan’s arrest, it should be this: CSI is a great big big bag of stinky poopy rhino balls and it stinks of poop and is bad.

Read more:

CSI Dourdan’s Desert Drug Bust - E! Online