CSI - HecklerSpray

The Who To Re-Release Quadrophenia In Desperate Cash Grab

October 26th, 2011 By Michael Park

As we’ve already made abundantly clear on this very day, no-one wants to see myriad bands reforming to remind us of why we thought they were a bit awful in the first place.We thought we’d just get that out of the way to start with.

Secondly, the answer to the question ‘Why do bands reform?’ is never ‘For the music, maaaaaaannnnn.’. It is, invariably, “for the money, maaaaaaannnnn.”

Whether we like it or not, the music industry is a big wheel that keeps on turning, spewing out derivative crap with every clicking cog. That’s not the problem, it really isn’t. There is still good music out there and even some of the launched faeces eventually breaks down into a diamond.

Justin Bieber Says He’s Not A Brat Even Though He Clearly Is

May 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber’s brattish behaviour is well documented… mainly on these pages, but still. He is. While he’s barely developed a solid skull or fingernails, he’s still managed to grow a resentment for the world that is borderline impressive.

And so, when JB’s CSI co-star, Mary Helgenberger, claimed that he was “kind of a brat” on set, which saw the walking egg punching a cake full on in the face, he’s decided to hit back.

The crooning baby has kicked his little legs and thrown all of his toys out of the pram and branded Mary Helgenberger’s comments as “kinda lame.” SUCK ON THAT HELGENBERGER!

Justin Bieber Confirms Brattishness By Punching A Cake With His Tiny Fist

May 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve been telling you all for ages that Justin Bieber is a jumped-up little brat. Most didn’t believe us (who could blame you?), but now, his CSI co-star, Mary Helgenberger, has dished the dirt on the little shit’s stroppy behaviour.

Helgenberger, who plays Catherine Willows, has had a pop at the amniotic popstar after being left distinctly unimpressed with the way he acted on-set.

This all comes on the back of a whole bunch of events that underline Bieber’s snotty attitude. He’s been scalded by staff on a recent flight, been seen flipping the bird at photographers, treating his fans with disdain, causing a ruckus in a holy place, allegedly cheating on his girlfriend Selena Gomez and now, worst of the worst, he’s punched a cake in the face.

Justin Bieber Hospitalised During CSI Shoot, Which Means He Was Probably Put In An Incubator

January 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Bless Justin Bieber. The constant drip-feed of his every action keeps sharks like us in articles and screaming moo-brains like you in tittle-tattle. It is this tittle-tattle that keeps you mentalists in the belief that you, like, reeeally know Justin… like… he’s more like a friend than a famous person… he’s like, totally down to Earth.

You simpering great tits.

Anyway, the latest drip-tray offering is that Bieber has been hilariously hospitalised during filming a scene in CSI. So what’s happened? A massive fall while doing a stunt, breaking his bendy, underdeveloped spine? He accidentally tore off his umbilical cord when it got caught in a door? Of course not – this is Justin Bieber and it’s as pathetic as the chorus to ‘Baby’.

Dita Von Teese Has Offensive Boobies

January 13th, 2011 By Randy Figgins

Dita Von Teese, stocking wearing, burlesque performing, porcelain doll and former wife of Marilyn Manson has offensive boobies.? That’s according to CBS. Not us. We kind of like them.

The ever-so-lovely-if-a-little-bit-anaemic Von Teese was filming a guest appearance in CSI.? She will be playing a teacher who, shock-horror and surprise, moonlights as a burlesque performer.

Well, ping our garter elastic, there’s a surprise!? A burlesque performer playing a teacher who is, in fact, a burlesque performer. We hope that is not the big plot twist of the episode.

Justin Bieber to Return to CSI

August 13th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Bottle magnet and prepubescent underpant creamer, Justin Bieber, has been approached to appear in another episode of CSI, show bosses have confirmed. It must be lovely to know that all your clever writing and camera work is completely drowned out by the sound of screaming simpletons.

TV execs don’t care though. They love the spike in interest that Bieber pretty much guarantees. Anyway, there are various reports stating that Bieber, who stars in the crime drama’s 11th season premiere, has been asked to reprise his role as a “troubled teen who is faced with a terrible decision regarding his only brother”.

The quandary being “Do I tell him that I’m going to sing at him until his eye sockets bleed, or not?”

Justin Bieber Arrested, Presumably For His Stupid Haircut

July 28th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Oh, not really. Justin Bieber wasn’t arrested for his stupid haircut. He was arrested for his annoying voice.

Oh, not really. Justin Bieber wasn’t arrested for his annoying voice. He was arrested for his ridiculous shaved-chipmunk face. Oh, not really. Justin Bieber wasn’t arrested for his ridiculous shaved-chipmunk face. He was arrested for beating a woman to death with a hammer and then stealing her money to fund his heroin addiction.

Oh, not really. Justin Bieber wasn’t arrested for beating a woman to death with a hammer and then stealing her money to fund his heroin addiction. He wasn’t even arrested. He just pretended that he was for an episode of CSI, and then took a picture of it, and now that counts as news. Oh, shut up.

Justin Bieber To Take His Tiny Face On CSI

July 23rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

The Justin Bieber phenomenon is a strange one. Naturally, he’s not the first dancing foetus to capture the hearts and minds of a planet’s pubeless, but nevertheless, he’s a strange one. Y’see, way back when, tiny crooners were all sexless and hokey. Think of Little Jimmy Osmond, New Edition and Aaron Carter. Now we’ve Justin Bieber who thrusts his tiny little hips and talks like Poochie from The Simpsons – “Wassup man, how you doin’?… “It’s like, you know, whateva’ “.

And the trick works. There’s countless videos on YouTube of his mental fans screaming and fainting at the mere mention of his name and, in one case, a real life version of Frogger is played out as lanky 12 year old girls dodge cars as they run after him – who happens to be travelling at 30mph in a limo. Idiots. Fandom doesn’t make you suddenly become Usain Bolt.

So he can (kinda) sing and make small girls produce a milky substance. What next? Acting of course.

Charlie Sheen Earns More Than You

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

It really isn’t very nice reading stories about those acting types and how much they actually earn for what they consider ‘work’.

Now sure, if it’s someone like the Baler losing ridiculous amounts of weight (or putting it back on to be Batman), or generally any kind of actor that’s willing to put their body on the line and actually change themselves physically or mentally to help their performance, then fair enough.

But when you’re Charlie Sheen? Come on. You don’t really deserve that much for your acting talent, do you? Sure, you were entertaining in ‘Hot Shots’, but does that mean you should be able to command $825,000 (about £420,000) per episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’, thus making you the highest paid TV actor in the US?

Apparently it does. Colour us confused.

Some CSI Bloke In More Exciting Than CSI Drug Bust

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.