At time of writing, hecklerspray is unable to confirm or deny that popstrel Lily Allen successfully made herself something to eat last night, but indications are not hopeful according to her twitter feed.

The ‘voice of summer 2006’ has last night thrown the public into turmoil.

Not by “so closely resembling her Dad that you can’t decide whether or not you could smash her without thinking of ‘him’ and laughing about that Tourettes doc he did which would, like, probably put her off and that”, but with an astonishing dining problem.

Fears began when she desperately tweeted:

“It would take me 30mins just to get all these ingredients out of the fridge”

Referring to her forlorn attempts to feed herself.

The tweet also contained the ominous hashtag #jamieoliverlies. hecklerspray does not endorse the opinion that Jamie Oliver is a liar. Or a self-involved neglectful husband, average cook, publicity hound and tubby lisping imbecile. We endorse none of these.

Eschewing the ‘Bullshit Frittata’ recipe she probably found in the fat-tongued idiot-book of recipes, she begged of the social-networking ‘site’ or whatever it’s called:

“What temperature should one bake a potato at ? And for how long ?”

To date no-one is in a position to confirm that any answers were received along the lines of “really hot. And for ages”, but indications are that her ongoing commitment to a baked potato are strong.

Allen’s final anguished tweet regarding her dinner was:

“Is it important to wrap it in foil?”

As of now, sources are unsure about the success or otherwise of the ‘Lily Allen Baked Potato’ pairing. Rumours of a secret encounter with a Birdseye Potato Waffle are being denied, with a source stating that any third-parties are not involved, despite “all the stuff with the foil. If that’s what it takes, Lily’s happy to do it.”

We made the last bit up.

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Terrible, terrible bland-meisters Coldplay have taken time off from providing the soundtrack to every tiresome Ikea-furnished dinner party hosted by those really ‘sincere’ friends of yours that you actually really don’t like (they’ve got white fairy-lights in their tastefully-decorated front-room for God’s sake) to raise consciousness for the homeless charity Crisis.

Whilst ignoring the irony that, far from ‘raising’ consciousness, they were recently named the band most capable of rendering most sane people unconscious.

In a further lack of any PR savvy whatsoever, the breathtakingly earnest dullards have chosen to drum-up interest in the cause by playing a ‘gig’ – surely more likely to repel – IN SECRET. Genius.

And where are these marketing gurus playing (at a secret location) in December? London? Paris? New York?

Newcastle.

Brilliant. A town that will physically set-upon them with fists and feet if they are seen wearing a normal coat in winter, let alone one of their ridiculous ‘ironic’ faux-military tunics.

And they are limiting the whole enterprise to around 1,000 tickets. We’re not sure a thousand Coldplay fans together could change one of their iPhone sim-cards let alone homelessness but whatever.

Did we mention they’ve chosen as a supporting act a ‘homeless choir’? Let’s say it again.

A HOMELESS CHOIR.

Dear God almighty.

Anyway, the band is urging fans to go to their website to register for tickets. We’re urging everyone else (a much larger proportion of the world) to go instead directly to www.crisis.org.uk and do something directly.

It’ll do more good and you won’t have to see or hear Coldplay and we’ll have done something good, albeit unintentionally.

Everybody wins.

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It's been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn't mean that she's actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part. 

And that'll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it's getting.

It's literally been the marriage break-up that everyone's been talking about, mainly because it stops them thinking about their hollow little dreary lives. Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole had it all – money, glamour, fame, fights with other celebrities, that weird unsubstantiated rumour about mobile phones and bottoms, as much faithful puke-sex as they could wish for, and then it all went wrong.

But then some random woman claimed that Ashley Cole had vomited on her behind Cheryl's back, and all hell broke lose. First Cheryl stuck by Ashley, claiming that she knew of the encounter but she was convinced it wasn't full barfing they did together. Then more and more puke-and-tell stories came out of the woodwork and Cheryl Cole left Ashley, for a bit at least. 

And since then, both Cheryl and Ashley have tried to get on with their lives as best as they can, even though Ashley Cole is now so hated that he gets roundly booed by his own fans during England matches and Cheryl seems to be doing that uncomfortable divorcee thing of going out in hardly any clothes because the attention she gets from dingy weirdo sleazebags validates her slightly inflated sense of self-worth. But that all ends today.

Because today Cheryl Cole flies back to England to have a crisis summit with Ashley, as The Sun reports:

The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife Cheryl tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage. Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand… A friend close to Cheryl said: "She feels she needs to give him a a final hearing. But she knows deep down that there’s nothing more he can say. He is guilty as sin and there is no excuse. She is feeling stronger after time away from him and has done a lot of thinking. Cheryl is ready to listen to him, but on her terms. She has a clear head now after the initial upset. Everyone is just hoping that she will keep her resolve and not wobble when she sees him again."

We've never been so excited about a heartbreaking, potentially marriage ending conversation between two people who we've never met and actually hardly think about on a day to day basis. Will Cheryl Cole's resolve crumble enough for her to take Ashley back? Or will she ditch him for good? We just don't know.

Sorry, there was a typo in that last sentence. The words 'don't know' should have read 'can't bring ourselves to even halfway care about such a desperately unlikeable couple of attention-seeking bastards.'

Read more:

Crunch time for Cole on C-day – The Sun