CHRIST ON A BIKE, it’s been a whole week since we’ve been here! Can you believe it?!! That was rhetorical. Shut up. Now that Pat has been airlifted out of this world to the tune of Sweet Caroline, it’s time to get back to the real world, and by real world we mean an entirely fictitious one, created to make you waste several hours of your life when you could be saving kittens or learning to read.
Ready?
First this week it’s Eastenders, where the Bianca and Ricky saga continues to bore the living shit out of everyone as it’s now been running since 1993. They’re back together. No wait, they’re splitting up. Oh hang on they’re back together. OH JUST DIE. LEAVE. TOGETHER. OR SEPARATELY. WE DON’T CARE. Want to know what happens? Just YouTube Eastenders from 1998 and save us the agony of discussing it any further.
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Former actor, soon to be convict, Wesley Snipes has said that he’s pretty nervous about going to jail. Not surprising really. Prison is horrible. It is filled with people covered in tattoos who want to stove your head in and/or bum you something rotten. And Snipes is a hot piece of celebrity ass.
With legal challenges falling flat on their face, Snipes is looking for divine intervention.
That’s right – Snipes is hoping that Jesus Christ Our Lord will come and magic this all away, despite the fact that the Holy Ghost is probably making preparations for his birthday which is a matter of days away. No rest for the blessed. Read More >>>
Remember when Wesley Snipes was an actor? Remember ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and the Blade trilogy? They were successful weren’t they? He probably made a lot of money off the back of those films.
Sadly, Snipes didn’t fancy paying all that nasty tax that people stick on your wages, leaving him with a really boring criminal record.
Worse still is that Snipes has been ordered to start his three-year sentence for his failure to cough-up his taxes. A not-so lovely stay at a federal prison in Pennsylvania is due to start next week and there’s probably gigantic men already stroking their members in preparation for the appearance of some famous ass in the showers. Read More >>>
How we all snorted and laughed when N-Dubz first arrived on the pop scene. Early videos of the group looked and sounded like a hilarious satire on hip-hop. The clothes, the music defied belief. We howled with laughter like the blithering know-nothing clowns we really are.
Of course N-Dubz went on to make a hatful of huge pop-smashes and showed something beneath that grisly veneer that suggests that they actually know what they’re doing and not in fact another stupid scally outfit designed to fill the brief Rockports of East 17 and Dane Bowels.
Naturally, when you get famous, people want a piece of you and, in the case of Tulisa from N-Dubz, they go as far as actually stealing stuff from your house. Read More >>>
Introducing the first of our new squadron of guest-bloggers, Jamie Ross from the utterly wonderful cancerouscapers.blogspot.com…
There are many things to admire about Jordan. After all, it can’t be easy looking after such massive tits – especially when one of them is Peter Andre.
This is why that, when Jordan speaks, literally everyone in the world listens. Barack Obama’s inauguration held little significance for Jordan as she encounters frenzied crowds of millions almost everywhere she goes, chanting her name and hanging on to her every utterance.
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OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.
Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.
According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!
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For ages, hecklerspray believed that the most intimate act a married couple could engage in was the exchange of saliva when ramming their tongues down each others throats.
However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.
In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.
So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.
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Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.
Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.
He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).
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