Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

It’s got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man.

On top of that he’s got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They’re always hiding under kids’ beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age – that’s a lot of sleep he’s skipping.

It’s probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one ‘reincarnated’ Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.

As any secret, predatory, paedophile gang worth a spit will tell you – to thrive in total anonymity you’ve really got to get a famous face to front your organisation. Seriously. That’s probably because when you get found out it’ll make you more relatable (if not down-right likable) to the public. Enter Hugh Hefner, then.

Or don’t, actually. You see, chances really are he’s been too busy promising button-bursting 18-year-olds babies for the past six decades to really have time to assault sexy toddlers in their own nurseries. One lady though – she’s suing him for billions under that very claim. If you think it sounds crazy so far – you ain’t heard nothing yet. This is apparently from a letter/statement the unnamed accuser sent to the Superior Court of California:

“Yes, sir I am asking for 3 billion dollars from Mr. Hefner. He’s been after me since I was a baby. Along with a pedifile organization here in L.A. When I was bout 5 yrs. Old He mysteriously was underneath my bed and he grabbed my arm and said that he and forsay the beatles and he mentioned the names of them. I asked like in my head since I’m a hat everyone in the world here’s my thought’s, a good way to establish peace…”

We know what you’re thinking – Hugh Hefner should be arrested this very minute! But wait – there’s more:

“Hugh has made it with the pedifile organization hard to work, my stuff ens up disappearing and my family that I grew up with there’s so jeoulousits like insanous but Hugh Hefner is the one That was the start of helping the pedifilement Hugh Hefner and the head person’s of the pedifile family…”

We’re not done yet:

“I consider my hat my telepathy from God and I also carry the beautifiliest angel lusefer in me cause I remember being the Goddess Venus see me and odeseyues God of wine and Zeus, in which I have a different perspective on such a God well you know well built, a body like a brick house like a God that rules…”

Well she makes slightly more sense then Kendra, right? Of course she does.

Now sit back and take a breath. Touch the top of your head to make sure it wasn’t just blown off. Still there? Good. If it’s not you should find all the pieces and get them on ice.

We’re still not done with the crazy quotes, you know. That lady babbled on for like three pages in small print. Of course – you probably would too if you thought your story would fill your wallet with a literal three billion dollars of Hefner-dough. Imagine how much therapy that could get this lady? Well with that in mind, we certainly hope this thing makes it all the way to court on a day the judge particularly hates old men with silicone stuck to the roof of their dentures.

If you want to see more crazy lady-ranting you’ll have to download the rest for yourself. Skip on over to TMZ and find the PDF file. Guaranteed to be the weirdest, saddest, bleakest, most dismal, distressing and depressing thing you’ve read all day.

Kinda makes you question this thing called life, doesn’t it?

-Sniff-

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re in a warm bath and apparently we need to find a longer extension cord for our toaster.

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Last time hecklerspray got a crank call, it was an easy solve.

All we had to do was pull the string that was attached to our paper-cup earpiece and it lead us straight to Zac Efron’s mom. She was in our living room, even though clearly nobody would have let her in – after all she is a literal cow. It happened just like in Beastmaster, witches and all. Well that is certainly what it says on Zac’s Wikipedia page anyway – third paragraph down.

As we stood there watching Zac Efron’s cow mom scurry back to the field from whence she came, we couldn’t help but wonder how a major star, like say George Clooney, might handle an uncalled-for crank like that.

And the answer there is police involvement.

When George Clooney forced Danny Devito to go onto The View drunk, maybe he thought it’d be good for him. When he bravely almost fought Fabio with nothing but his bare hands and military-like strategy, it was because that too, would have been good for Danny Devito. Somehow.

One thing that is clearly not good for Danny Devito in any way, shape or form though is when Clooney get’s an anonymous voicemail that says:

"Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!"

Ol’ man Devito don’t need that no-how! When Clooney got the message he was pretty mad. He knew it wasn’t a prank from a friend, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. So he asked his driver to snoop all about it every which way. That's because most cabbies have an untapped skill of evidence gathering. The DMV tests them on that too. Also this particular driver is a well-connected cop who would stop at nothing until justice was served and George wreaked swift vengeance upon this one guy who dared to have a one-way conversation with his phone.

The copper wasn't a help, though, because the number went back to an untraceable pre-paid phone – keep on driving flat-foot! That crank caller ended up getting off scot-free.

Unlike Efron’s mom.

We’re going to tip her tonight.

Read More:

The New Yorker on George Clooney & That Voice Message Telling Him to Dump That Bitch Sarah Larson – The Bosh