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crash

Hulk Hogan’s Son In Solitary, Not Exactly Thrilled About It

by Stuart Heritage

Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you’re not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea isn’t getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he’s in solitary.

Because his jail can’t accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can’t be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he’s only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.

Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you're not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates. Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea isn't getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he's in solitary. Because his jail can't accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can't be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he's only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.
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Britney Spears In Yet Another Godforsaken Car Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Looks like this is the week for Britney Spears to revisit her old tricks.

First Britney Spears sauntered back onto the set of How I Met Your Mother for her much-heralded follow-up cameo and now she’s started crashing her car again with all the wild abandon you’d expect from a recovering psychiatric patient who’s too unfit to look after her own children.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears yesterday ploughed her Mercedes into the back of another woman’s car near Sunset Boulevard. Nobody was hurt in the crash, but we should all be aware of the wider implications of this; if Britney Spears really is revisiting her old tricks then everyone needs to take cover right away before she starts waggling her grotty oldflim-flam around all willy-nilly again.

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Paris Hilton Accused Of Flooring Photographer With Car

by Paul Sorrenti

paris hilton accused of hit and runBlonde thingy Paris Hilton and boyfriend Benji Madden are being investigated for an alleged hit and run, according to The Sun.

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police-report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

The incident is currently under investigation.

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Sandra Bullock Still Making Rubbish-Looking Film Despite Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Few of us can imagine the horror of not being injured in a laughably minor car crash with a 20mph drunkard, but Sandra Bullock is obviously special.

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy ladymanoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

Few of us can imagine the horror of not being injured in a laughably minor car crash with a 20mph drunkard, but Sandra Bullock is obviously special. And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night's accident, because every time she closes her eyes she's presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy ladymanoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she's not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal. Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.
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James Bond Knackers His Car In A Lake

by Stuart Heritage

Don’t worry if you can’t stand the fact that the new James Bond movie is called A Quantum Of Solace – turns out that God’s not such a fan of it either.

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary – it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with aSegway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

Don't worry if you can't stand the fact that the new James Bond movie is called A Quantum Of Solace - turns out that God's not such a fan of it either. That's because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces. What's more, it's been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary - it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn't too bad, because frankly we've waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with aSegway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.
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Jerry Seinfeld Flips His Car, Creepy Smugness Intact

by Stuart Heritage

You might have wished death on Jerry Seinfeld after Bee Movie, but it didn’t work – Jerry Seinfeld is even more invincible than car crashes now.

It’s emerged that Jerry Seinfeld was in a terrifying-sounding car accident last weekend in The Hamptons when his brakes gave out and, in trying to prevent a more serious accident, he flipped his vehicle.

Miraculously, Jerry Seinfeld emerged from the crash completely unscathed – something that’s being put down to either remarkable fortune, the quick-thinking of Seinfeld himself or the cushioning effect of the 45 pillowcases stuffed with high-denomination banknotes that Jerry Seinfeld always keeps on him as small change.

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Hulk Hogan Sued By Mangled Car Crash Victim

by Stuart Heritage

Time was when Hulk Hogan’s worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he’s coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair.

Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he’s also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan’s son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year.

According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it – an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn’t Know Best or Hogan’s A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.

Time was when Hulk Hogan's worst enemy was Ric Flair, but he's coming to realise that some things in life are worse than whooping pensioners with freakish spiderweb hair. Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he's also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan's son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year. According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it - an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn't Know Best or Hogan's A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.
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Crash Gets Turned Into Dull, Worthy Racism-Based TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

Guess what – the movie Crash is about to get turned into a TV series.

No, not Crash the David Cronenberg movie about James Spader having it off with people inside a smashed-up car – that would be too much like fun – we mean Crash the dreary Oscar-winning movie about racism and whatnot. That’s the Crash that’s being turned into a TV series.

We know. We can’t wait either.

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Scott Weiland Denies Driving All Drug-Buggered

by Stuart Heritage

Celebrity DUI arrests have been all the go this year – but now that Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland has got one, we can officially declare the trend dead.

It’s been reported that Scott Weiland – a man whose love of drugs has seen him imprisoned in the past – has been arrested after he crashed his car in Los Angeles, refused to give a blood or urine sample and then acted all impaired. Luckily nobody was hurt in the November 21 crash. Well, we say luckily, but you’d have to be a gigantic fan of badly-dated American stadium widdly-woo rawk not to be slightly bummed out that a shard of windscreen didn’t fly off and damage Scott Weiland’s vocal chords, at least temporarily.

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