Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

When a tin foil spaceship crashed all over Roswell, New Mexico, the residents there must have been overcome with anticipation of the tourist dollars that would soon stuff their wallets. As Roswell sat back and watched the green fly in (pun intended), Aurora, Texas must have felt slighted.

After all, they had a spaceship crash like 50 years previously – and theirs included a now-buried little green body.

Aurora, Texas was a quiet little town that once had something they termed ‘an airship’ smash into a windmill then explode all to pieces. The sight of an airship was by no means new – after all, a rash of the things had been reported all over the country. Texasescapes.com finds the words to describe things:

“The Aurora crash was, in fact, the culminating event in a rash of “airship” sightings in East and Northeast Texas, Oklahoma, North and Central Louisiana in the period between 1895 and 1898. Robert Atkinson, of Center, Texas, a veteran of the Spanish American War, often told of seeing, as a teenager, strange, “flashing lights” in the sky, as did Polk Burns of the same city. Similar incidents were recountered by Bud Knight, a prominent resident of San Augustine, Texas, who died in 1981 at the age of 108. Lee Choron, who died in 1976 at the age of 94 recalled seeing “moving lights flashing in the sky” while living in Swift, Texas… while in his “teens”.”

Keep in mind these sightings were happening in 1897 or before. The Wright brothers first flew on December 17th 1903 – not that airplanes were the first human-made vehicles to cross the sky. Hot air balloons and dirigibles had been around for who-knows how long. Let’s not forget though, that the above witness account claimed flashing lights – not flickering candles. Electricity, is of course, implied here. Although Ben Franklin’s key had been first lit up by it several decades earlier, surely a balloon from that time couldn’t be suited up with light bulb wiring.

Now on to more interesting fare, the Aurora crash was reported in newspapers, diaries and letters to friends. One such newspaper article still exists. It’s from the Dallas Morning News:

“About 6 o’clock this morning the early risers of Aurora were astonished at the sudden appearance of the airship which has been sailing around the country. It was traveling due north and much nearer the earth than before.

“Evidently some of the machinery was out of order, for it was making a speed of only ten or twelve miles an hour, and gradually settling toward the earth. It sailed over the public square and when it reached the north part of town it collided with the tower of Judge Proctor’s windmill and went into pieces with a terrific explosion, scattering debris over several acres of ground, wrecking the windmill and water tank and destroying the judge’s flower garden.

“The pilot of the ship is supposed to have been the only one aboard and, while his remains were badly disfigured, enough of the original has been picked up to show that he was not an inhabitant of this world.”

Did you read that? The newspaper article said there was a body. What’s more – they buried it in the local cemetery. No really – we wouldn’t lie to you. Here’s a splurb from the historical marker screwed to the cemetery’s gate, or whatever:

“…This site is also well-known because of the legend that a spaceship crashed nearby in 1897 and the pilot, killed in the crash, was buried here…”

With a known location for an alien body one would suppose that concrete proof of alien visitation was just a couple shovelfuls away. We would that it was that simple. There was a tombstone at one point, allegedly – acting like the X on a pirate’s map. According to CBS11tv.com:

“There was a tombstone, with a marking that appeared to be half of a saucer, or the cigar-shaped object. Researchers ran metal detectors over the site where the ship was said to crash. Some say the grass hasn’t grown there since. In a nearby shed, there’s a well where wreckage, small bits of metal, was reportedly thrown. But in 1973, the tombstone and the metal in the ground disappeared.”

Still, it shouldn’t be that tough to find, right? A couple strong backs could probably have the whole place dug up within a few weeks.

If the locals would let them. You see, they’re conveniently tired of all the attention, and refuse to let anyone dig. And as for the owners of the well with all the debris down in it – well they cemented it over. Things really aren’t looking good here, are they?

So unfortunately, the mystery of the Aurora spaceship crash will remain just that – a mystery.

PS. Check out this detailed original newspaper article regarding the crash. We think you’ll quite enjoy it if you’ve got good vision.

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Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Although he was recently arrested for flipping his truck over while possibly drunk, it’s important to remember that Shia LaBeouf is still only three years old.

And, as such, he’s very easily led. For example, right before the crash, Shia LaBeouf had been working on Transformers 2. When you take that into consideration, it’s no wonder he smashed his vehicle to pieces in the middle of the night – he probably though it was about to turn into a Decepticon and eat him for its dinner.

At least that’s what we’re assuming the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has decided, anyway, because it has chosen not to press DUI charges against Shia LaBeouf. The official reason? Insufficient evidence. The unofficial reason that we all know is true anyway? Because Shia LaBeouf is so cute and adorable that you just want to pick him up, wrap him in a hankie, put him in your pocket, take him home and keep him in a matchbox stuffed with cotton wool.

But Shia LaBeouf shouldn’t celebrate this news too soon. Partly because his definition of ‘celebrating’ seems like it might involve getting shitfaced and losing control of his car, but mainly because he still might lose his licence anyway. E! Online reports:

“When a person refuses to have a blood alcohol test it is an automatic suspension under the Department of Motor Vehicle regulations,” L.A. Sheriff’s Department spokesman Officer Steve Whitmore told E! News. “That is why the hearing is tomorrow is because he refused to have a blood alcohol test. It’s an automatic suspension.”

It’s unfortunate that Shia LaBeouf might lose his driving licence. We’re not saying that he doesn’t deserve to be punished for refusing a blood alcohol test, we’re just saying his gnarled stump of an injured hand is probably enough punishment. Because, face it, from now on every time Shia LaBeouf looks at that flappy lump of pointlessness hanging from his wrist like a latex bag stuffed with chicken carcasses, he’ll be forced to remember that fateful night and the events that led to it.

Oh, OK, we’ll admit it. We’re just bitter because Shia LaBeouf’s injuries mean he’ll never be able to run his fingers through our hair while feeding us strawberries under a parasol on a rowing boat in the springtime any more. We don’t think we’ll ever smile again.

While it’s a near miracle that Travis Barker and DJ AM – real name Adam Goldstein – weren’t killed when their Learjet skidded off a runway in South Carolina on Friday night, the pair of them have suffered serious second- and third-degree burns.

However, both Travis Barker and DJ AM are expected to make full recoveries from their injuries. Meanwhile, investigators have claimed that a burst tyre prior to take-off my have led to the crash.

Travis Barker and DJ AM have, in the past, contributed the some of the most pointless stories we’ve ever dealt with. DJ AM, for example, was once engaged to Nicole Richie, while Travis Barker might have started a fight between Paris Hilton and some other woman in a nightclub once. All utterly inconsequential, yet still not enough for either of them to deserve what happened to them on Friday night.

On Friday night, after performing a free concert in Columbia, the Learjet carrying Travis Barker, DJ AM and four others skidded off a South Carolina runway, smashed through a fence and crashed into a nearby road. The crash killed the pilot and co-pilot, plus Travis Barker’s personal assistant and a man thought to be his bodyguard.

While it’s claimed that Travis Barker and DJ AM only escaped death by managing to free themselves from the wreckage in time, the pair of them have spent the weekend in a critical condition being treated for second- and third-degree burns. Travis Barker is said to have suffered burns to his torso and lower body, while Goldstein’s burns were to his arms and head. However, it’s thought that both stars will eventually make full recoveries from their injuries.

Meanwhile, investigators seem to be pinning the cause of the crash on a blown tyre, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Debbie Hersman, spokeswoman of the National Transportation Safety Board, said investigators recovered the cockpit’s voice recorder and spent hours dissecting the relevant minutes of conversation between the Learjet’s pilots. “The crew reacted to a sound consistent with a tire blowout. The crew attempted to reject the takeoff, but they were unable to stop the aircraft before it departed the runway.”

So we may have been a little sceptical about the whole ‘curse’ thing ever since the term started getting bandied around, but on this evidence it’s hard not to think that maybe, just maybe there are nefarious forces at work. Just days after having a serious car accident, Morgan Freeman and his wife of 24 years are to get a divorce.

According to a friend of Freeman, the divorce had been in the works for a while before the accident even occurred – so don’t go accusing Morgan of having a relationship with Demaris Meyer, the passenger in his car during the accident, that was anything beyond platonic friendship.

We thought about it – purely for comedy effect, of course – but libel is too big a word.

No, this is something that has been around for quite a while in the world of Morgan Freeman and his soon-to-be-ex wife Myrna Colley-Lee, who have been separated since December of 2007. So fortunately it does look like it may well be the work of our old friend coincindence and circumstance – or ‘real life’ as it’s sometimes called – and not the frankly ridiculous notion of a curse on a film Morgan starred in.

While he may have known it was coming for a while, it still can’t be good for the old man, who was hospitalised with a broken arm, a broken elbow and neck injuries, and had to undergo an operation to make sure things healed up properly. Sitting, recouperating in hospital and seeing the news splashed all over can’t be a good feeling – so hey, Morgan, if you’re reading – we’ll try and cheer you up!

Isn’t it strange how utterly awful the film Evan Almighty was?

No, that’s not going to work…

Hey – the narration on March of the Penguins was utter balls compared to David Attenborough’s!

Ah, he wouldn’t like that either…

Ah, screw it. Hecklerspray isn’t the greatest medicine for aching bones, we can admit that much.

But it’s not all bad for Morgan Freeman – as his friend and business partner Bill Luckett told the press:

“The doctors have said it will be six months to a year before he plays golf again.”

So… hmm… at least that means he won’t have to play golf again for a while. That could be considered a good thing, if you don’t like golf. What do you mean Luckett said more?

“He hates that.”

Ah.

So you’ve starred in one of the biggest movies of all time, but have seen a co-worker die, another arrested for allegedly threatening his family then you yourself have been in a serious car accident requiring surgery, and it’s become public knowledge that you’re getting a divorce.

At least… people like your freckles? Sorry Morgan, we just can’t do this cheering you up thing – it’s too hard.

Or did he? Detectives working on the case have revealed that Shia only crashed because the car he ploughed into had just run a red light. That means, according to the detectives, that Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the crash at all. So what happened?

Well, using our powerful skills of deduction we’ve worked out that, although he isn’t at fault, Shia LaBeouf still may or may not have been drunk  while he was driving the car before the crash. However, we can determine for certain that a) Shia LaBeouf is the kid from Transformers and b) Wooo.

If there’s one thing the world likes more than seeing a rising star fall, it’s seeing a rising star get smashed on booze and flip his pickup truck over, especially when it’s a rising star with as much creepy self-confidence as Shia LaBeouf.

Which is why the world had a little spring in its step on Monday after it realised that Shia LaBeouf had done exactly that. According to reports, Shia LaBeouf was driving through West Hollywood in the early hours of Sunday when he performed what’s known in the business as ‘a Haley Joel Osment‘ and flipped his car over in the middle of the street because he was drunk.

Thanks to the crash, and the badly-timed publication of an interview where Shia LaBeouf describes why he can’t drink in moderation, Shia LaBeouf has gone from being the new Tom Hanks to the new Lindsay Lohan in the blink of an eye, albeit a Lindsay Lohan with a severely Beadled-up hand.

But maybe everything wasn’t as it seemed. Although eyewitnesses saw Shia LaBeouf downing shots of whiskey on Santa Monica Boulevard right before the crash, and the arresting officers say that Shia was displaying outward signs of intoxication, it turns out that the crash wasn’t Shia LaBeouf’s fault at all. Reuters reports:

“LaBoeuf has been determined at this stage not to have caused the accident,” said Steve Whitmore, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. Whitmore said the other driver failed to stop for a red light and slammed into the truck LaBeouf was driving.

So hooray! Shia LaBeouf is a responsible driver after all! Our adorable puppy-faced hero is still our adorable puppy-faced hero! Apart from the whole thing about him being shitfaced on booze! Which we’re not too sure that we understand actually!

In fact, nobody even knows if Shia LaBeouf was drunk or not any more. That’s for the toxicology tests to determine. But when those toxicology tests do come back, we’ll be able to close this case once and for all and go back to writing about more important stuff, like Keira Knightley’s tits or whatever.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Rehab has certainly worked out well for Lindsay Lohan. Before her string of DUI arrests caused her to seek help, Lindsay Lohan’s life was a mess of accidental nudity and bad films and the stink of booze and cigarettes and traffic accidents. But now things are completely different for her.

Now Lindsay Lohan’s life is a mess of deliberate nudity and no films and the stink of just cigarettes. But thanks to the motorbike scrape that Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into this weekend, at least she’s still keeping up the traffic accident quota.

According to reports, Lindsay Lohan was out on the town in New York on Saturday night when a motorbike clipped her outside a nightclub on 32nd Street.

While we assume that the driver of the motorbike caught a glimpse of Lindsay’s ginger hair, sharp teeth and oddly reflective eyes and drove into her deliberately, wrongly guessing that she was an urban fox out to eat someone’s baby, we’re pleased to report that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. Unless they were. Assuming the crash even happened in the first place. Here’s where it gets confusing.

You see, the reports say that Lindsay Lohan was taken to the Beth Israel Medical Centre for treatment after the crash. Well, the reports and the employee of the Beth Israel Medical Centre who confirmed to the New York Post that someone called Lindsay Lohan had been admitted on the night of the accident.

But that doesn’t mean that the accident actually happened, does it? Not if you’re Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s family or Lindsay Lohan’s publicist. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dina said it was just gossip. I don’t think that anything actually happened,” Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, said after speaking to his ex-wife, Dina, yesterday. “I asked her and she said it didn’t happen,” said Lindsay’s publicist, Leslie Sloane. “She says she wasn’t [at the hospital].” He added, “Dina said it’s a bunch of bull doodie.”

Interesting. So did it happen or was it bull doodie? Who the hell knows, frankly. But if you were Leslie Sloane, you’d deny it too, wouldn’t you. Ever since Lindsay Lohan stopped drinking, Sloane’s had nothing to deny at all – not like the good old days where she’d pass off what could have been Lindsay’s alcohol-fuelled collapses as everything from asthma to dehydration. She probably leapt on this one as fast as she could.

In fact, we don’t know why Leslie Sloane doesn’t just start denying everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does. It’d much more fun. Remember when Lindsay Lohan had sex in a toilet? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan stole that woman’s coat? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a well-respected actress rather than a dumbly monotonous tabloid fixture? Didn’t happen.

No really, that one didn’t actually happen.

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

Admit it, when you look at Shia LaBeouf you just want to grab him by the cheeks, muss up his hair and give him a shiny sixpence to buy some bon bons with. This is because Shia LaBeouf couldn’t be any more adorable if he was made from kitten whiskers and angel breath.

Or is he? Because lately Shia LaBeouf has found himself getting into more and more trouble. Real trouble too, not the sort of imaginary 1950s schoolboy trouble that we keep assuming Shia gets into, like being clipped round the ear by a bobby for carrying a peashooter or being chased from the farm by Old Man McGee for scrumping apples from his orchard.

Instead Shia LaBeouf has committed the heinous crimes of using homophobic slurs on YouTube and smoking cigarettes and sort of standing around in a pharmacy when he wasn’t supposed to.

With a track record like that it’s only a matter of time before Shia LaBeouf does something really stupid, like get drunk and drive his car around until he cras… what? He’s already done that? On Sunday morning? Oh Shia, you adorably illegal scamp. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early Sunday in Hollywood after he and two other people were hurt in a crash. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies said LaBeouf made a left turn and collided with an oncoming car about 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain avenues. The actor’s Ford F-150 pickup truck rolled over in the crash.

Well, it’s certainly fortunate that nobody was seriously hur… what? Shia LaBeouf drives a pickup truck? A pickup truck? What for, to store all the logs that he chops down during a hard day’s acting? To transport all the manual labour equipment he needs to pretend to be Indiana Jones‘ little boy? Shia LaBeouf can’t even grow a beard properly, for crying out loud! What’s he doing bombing round in a titting pickup truck?

Anyway, back to our original point. It’s fortunate that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. If he’s charged with DUI, perhaps this incident will serve as a wake-up call for Shia to reign in his youthful excesses before he causes some serious damage.

But why did Shia LaBeouf drink-drive in the first place? He doesn’t seem as much of an irresponsible douchetard as Lindsay Lohan, and surely he can’t be filled with as much obvious self-loathing as Mel Gibson, can he?

Well maybe he can. That last Indiana Jones movie was pretty rubbish. We’d be drunk all the time if we were Shia LaBeouf, actually. But if only we could be as adorable…

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea isn’t getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he’s in solitary.

Because his jail can’t accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can’t be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he’s only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.

Cars are the Hogans downfall. Well, cars and – in Huk Hogan’s case - Andre The Giant. But mainly cars. Just recently Brooke Hogan was in a car crash, and prior to that Linda Hogan drew some controversy for appearing in a drag racing video and bragging about how she likes to drive dangerously. And then there’s Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea.

Right now Nick Bollea is serving an eight-month jail sentence for flipping his car into a tree on a wet road at speed last August in a crash that left his friend John Graziano in need of constant medical care for the rest of his life and his friend’s family ready to sue the bejesus out of the Hogans.

However, all isn’t going well. As a 17-year-old, Nick Bollea should really be kept in a low-security young offender’s institute with table tennis and waterslides and a prison guard dressed as a squirrel dishing out toffee apples and candyfloss three times a day. But he isn’t.

Nick Bollea is actually in Pinellas County Jail, a grim-looking facility full of grown-up prisoners who, if you gave them a toffee apple, would kill you in 58 different ways with it by the second verse of the Happy Squirrelly Apple Song. And, as such, Nick Bollea is being kept in solitary confinement there. According to People, he wants out:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door. “Understandably, this situation creates an unbearable anxiety for a minor in solitary confinement,” the papers say. The confinement at Pinellas County Jail, according to his lawyers, “substantially amounts to cruel and unusual punishment for a juvenile and is not warranted for a non-violent first offender serving a probation sentence.”

Of course, it’s difficult to remember that Nick Bollea is just a juvenile – partly because the genetic misfortune of having a professional wrestler father and a mother who looks like a man has left him looking about 40 years old already, and partly because he crashed an obscenely expensive supercar into a sodding tree a year ago.

But a juvenile is what he is and, as such, his lawyers are proposing that he’s moved from solitary confinement to some kind of monitored home confinement scenario.

That’s bound to teach Nick a lesson, isn’t it? Being kept in his sprawling Florida mansion, where his every whim can be catered for, listening to his Dad have relentless noisy sex with a girl 35 years his junior every hour of the… actually, come to think of it, that’s far worse than solitary. Bleugh.

First Britney Spears sauntered back onto the set of How I Met Your Mother for her much-heralded follow-up cameo and now she’s started crashing her car again with all the wild abandon you’d expect from a recovering psychiatric patient who’s too unfit to look after her own children.

It’s been reported that Britney Spears yesterday ploughed her Mercedes into the back of another woman’s car near Sunset Boulevard. Nobody was hurt in the crash, but we should all be aware of the wider implications of this; if Britney Spears really is revisiting her old tricks then everyone needs to take cover right away before she starts waggling her grotty old flim-flam around all willy-nilly again.

Funny how things work out isn’t it? Britney Spears is apparently too mentally unwell to look after her own children, but fine to drive a car. Tiny pink squidgy babies that couldn’t do much damage if they bumped into anything at 30mph vs a giant clump of speeding metal. We certainly feel safer knowing that Britney is allowed near one and not the other.

Britney Spears has crashed her car so often in the past that she could write a book about it, if only she could read or write. Or knew what a book was. Or wasn’t so medically unstable that stabbing herself in the eye with a pen nib was a genuine concern. Aside from all that, though, Britney’s a flipping expert.

We literally don’t have room to list all the ways that Britney Spears has managed to crash her car in recent years, but rest assured there have been hit and runs and slow moving almost-shunts and one time where Britney was driving an umbrella and she kept accidentally reversing it into the same car again and again and it made her so angry that she started crying and getting all angry and her brain went a bit wrong. And now it appears that Britney Spears is at it again.

Yesterday Britney Spears was apparently let out of her father’s clutches for enough time to go for a pootle around Los Angeles. Specifically a pootle into the back of another woman’s car. E! Online reports:

Spears was tooling around Sunset Boulevard in Beverly Hills in her convertible Mercedes SL when she rear-ended a red 1998 Ford Explorer at about 2 p.m. Sources tell E! News that Spears’ bodyguard jumped out to talk down the other motorist, and the “Toxic” songbird hopped into the passenger seat, just as she did last month when she was involved in a similar fender-bender on Los Angeles’ 101 Freeway.

The driver rear-ended by Britney Spears – a woman named Edith Cortese – was then taken back to Britney’s house to swap information, citing all the photographers present at the scene of the crash. We’re not sure exactly what happened at the Spears house, but if our suspicions are correct it probably involved some sort of lesbian sex fumble in the swimming pool. Or a sober exchange of insurance details. Does it really matter which?

Anyway, the point is that Britney Spears keeps driving her car in a variety of dangerous and irresponsible ways seemingly without a care for other road users. It’s just like the old days, in fact. Britney’s getting better! Yay!

Read more:

Britney’s Latest Smash Hit! – E! Online

They are accused of driving over photographer Glen Gurniak’s foot as they left a club in Los Angeles Thursday.

Gurniak was left grounded, squealing in pain, as if he were nothing more than a piece of disposable paparazzi trash.

However, he soon got up to file a police report against them with the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. Spokesman Steve Witmore said:

“The incident is currently under investigation.”

Benji Madden was driving, with Paris in the passenger seat. Gurniak explained exactly what he thought happened:

“There were too many people that side of the car ,so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’ He turned and looked at me out of the window and then just drove. I fell to the floor as the car stopped and was just laying on the floor as everyone was screaming at him that he’d run me over.”

Last year Paris was jailed for violating a drink-driving probation, despite considering herself too pretty to be there in the first place. She behaved so well that she was released early, despite apparently trying to kill herself, as well as receiving death threats.

She surely wants to avoid going through all that again – sitting in the passenger seat is probably a good start.

But that’s not the end of worries; just yesterday she was officially labelled with the blame for the upcoming destruction of humanity in its entirety.

A video of Gurniak screaming in the aftermath has been posted at TMZ, showing the alleged victim’s shoe with a tyre-ish marking on it.

Read More – Hilton accused of hit and run – The Sun

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy lady manoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

If we were Sandra Bullock then a) we’d have locked ourselves in the cellar after the release of Practical Magic and hidden there until we’d been promised that all copies of it had been destroyed, and b) we’d probably investigate local public transport routes a little more thoroughly.

Cars, you see, are a massive problem for Sandra Bullock. If she steps outside her house then a crazy stalker will try to run her husband over in one, and if she actually ever gets to drive one then that’s a recipe for disaster as well.

As you probably know, on Saturday night Sandra Bullock got into a car accident with a drunk woman who almost killed everyone by gently bumping into the side of Sandra Bullock’s car at 20mph.

We can’t help thinking that in many ways Sandra Bullock was asking for it, you know – films of hers include Crash and Speed, and if that isn’t a direct challenge to destiny, then we don’t know what is. Similarly, in the future Sandra Bullock should also be careful of lake houses, nets, demolition men and ya-ya sisterhoods, because they’re all probably out to get her as well.

But that’s beside the point – Sandra Bullock was in quite a lame car crash, but it won’t halt the filming of her new movie The Proposal, according to The Boston Herald:

Producers haven’t hit the brakes on shooting Sandra Bullock’s upcoming comedy “The Proposal” despite the actress’ frightening head-on “Crash” Saturday night in Gloucester with an alleged drunken driver. “She hasn’t been hurt so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t (continue filming),” the flick’s flack, Scott Levine, told the Track yesterday.

We think we speak for everyone here when we say thank heavens for that. It’s been far too long since a girl has guilted us into watching a piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that’s nothing more than a cynical retread of the last piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy at the cinema.

Oh, how we’ve missed paying eight pounds to sit on a sticky cinema seat for a couple of hours watching an oddly-nosed woman grinding through the motions of a role she’s already played about 75 times in the past while we get more and more annoyed because we’ve realised that we could have spent those two hours doing something more productive like helping out in the local community, bettering ourselves through classical literature or staring listlessly at a single patch of carpet and scratching our balls.

So thank heavens. And thank you, alleged drunk driver, for not driving any faster than you did. But most of all, thank you Sandra Bullock for not even getting a tiny bit of bloody whiplash in your stupid neck or anything.

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Full Speed ahead for Bullock film – BH

That’s because, just a few weeks after a crazy South American mayor drove his car through a set during filming in a vicious rage, a James Bond stuntman has accidentally plunged a £120,000 Aston Martin off a road into a massive Italian lake and knackered the bastard to pieces.

What’s more, it’s been reported that the Aston Martin was the only one available to the crew for the film. That leaves A Quantum Of Solace in a bit of a quandary – it could shell out for a new one at huge expense to the movie, or it could patch together a workaround. Which isn’t too bad, because frankly we’ve waited too long to see 007 bring down SPECTRE with a Segway, some rollerblades, an Oyster card and a hotwired forklift truck.

Remember when James Bond films were easy to make? Pierce Brosnan got through four of them without arsing it all up, and Roger Moore made his 600 or so James Bond movies without exerting any more energy than it took to change safari jackets or arch an eyebrow during a filthy pun.

But Daniel Craig? Since Daniel Craig’s been James Bond, hardly a day has passed without something blowing up or breaking down or making everyone involved in the production look like a hopeless bunch of cack-handed spaz-clowns. During Casino Royale, filming started without a proper Bond girl or baddie, then the set burnt down and Daniel Criag couldn’t even fight a midget without getting his teeth punched out.

And things aren’t much better on the new James Bond movie, either. For starters the movie has the worst title imaginable, plus filming keeps getting interrupted by mental South American public officials who seem to want to run James Bond over for all kinds of nondescript reasons. And now the only Aston Martin that A Quantum Of Solace had has skidded off a road into Italy’s Lake Garda, writing the thing off, as The Telegraph reports:

A stunt driver was on his way to deliver the £120,000 sportscar to the set of Quantum of Solace when he drove off a narrow bend in heavy rain, producers said. Italian television showed the car – reportedly the only one available for the film – being fished from the lake after the accident in the early hours of Saturday morning. Producers said the driver, who suffered only minor bruises, was quickly rescued by firemen and taken to hospital.

Although it’s fortunate that the driver wasn’t more seriously injured in the crash, the accident should be enough of a warning for everyone involved with James Bond to see that the whole franchise is cursed. Really, everyone should pack up and go home now before Daniel Craig’s head explodes or a monkey bites off one of Gemma Arterton’s feet or Judi Dench shits herself.

OK, we’re only saying that because we’re scared that the James Bond producers will pull the old ‘invisible car’ scam again now that their only Aston Martin’s been knackered, and frankly we’d rather watch two hours of baby torture than that. But the point still stands.

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James Bond’s Aston Martin crashes into lake – Telegraph

It's emerged that Jerry Seinfeld was in a terrifying-sounding car accident last weekend in The Hamptons when his brakes gave out and, in trying to prevent a more serious accident, he flipped his vehicle. 

Miraculously, Jerry Seinfeld emerged from the crash completely unscathed – something that's being put down to either remarkable fortune, the quick-thinking of Seinfeld himself or the cushioning effect of the 45 pillowcases stuffed with high-denomination banknotes that Jerry Seinfeld always keeps on him as small change.

When a celebrity crashes their car it's usually only their fault. Sure, they'll blame the paparazzi whenever they can in the hope that they'll be able to glean a fragment of Princess Diana-style pity from the incident, but that tends not to disguise the fact that they were slammed off their shit on booze, talking into three telephones at once and wearing a Juicy Couture blindfold because they saw that bitch Kim Kardashian in the same thing a week before.

But sometimes, just sometimes, celebrity car crashes aren't a celebrity's fault. And that tends to be the case more often if you were in a successful 1990s American sitcom. Ellen Degeneres' crash was due to another driver and Jerry Seinfeld's recent crash was mostly due to his car being a lousy no-good piece of crap. 

That's right, Jerry Seinfeld crashed his car a few days ago. Well, maybe 'crashed' is a strong word. We meant 'flipped it over like a blimmin pancake'. Don't worry, though – Jerry Seinfeld doesn't need your pity. He came out of it totally unharmed, as E! Online reports:

Seinfeld was motoring by himself along Skimhampton Road in East Hampton when the harrowing accident occurred at about 7:40 p.m. Saturday. "The brakes went bad," East Hampton Police Chief Todd Sarris told the newspaper. "He had to pull the emergency brake." According to authorities, the 53-year-old comic's car was headed directly towards traffic on Montauk Highway when he lost control, forcing him to swerve drastically to the right to halt the 1967 Fiat BTM's momentum. The two-door sedan reportedly rolled over onto its passenger side, then the roof, before coming to rest just several feet shy of the other vehicles at an intersection on the driver's side.

It sounds like a rare combination of luck and good judgement came into play for Jerry Seinfeld on Saturday – if the circumstances were even slightly different then he could have been seriously injured or worse. Unless, you know, the circumstance that changed was that his brakes were OK. This'd be quite a dull story if that were the case.

But it just goes to show, you can be as rich, as famous or as mullety as you like, but brakes can go bad on anyone. It was just an extremely unlucky accident, that all, nobody's to blame for it.

Although we wouldn't be surprised to see the publication of a new cookery book called The Sneaky Chef : 20 Mouthwatering Ways To Get Your Kids To Eat All That Brake Fluid I Syphoned Out Of Jerry Seinfeld's Car When He Wasn't Looking The Other Day in the next few weeks.

What? It's a joke.

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Seinfeld OK After Scary Car Wreck – E! Online

Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he's also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan's son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year.

According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it – an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn't Know Best or Hogan's A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.

Some people look at Hulk Hogan, see his fluorescent handlebar moustache, his bald head disguised by a horrible mullet/ bandana combo and his superhuman talent of being able to tear a deliberately-flimsy T-shirt in half and think that he's invincible. But Hulk Hogan isn't invincible. In fact, it looks as if Hulk Hogan is pretty much effed.

For starters, Hulk Hogan is getting divorced, possibly because Hulk Hogan had an affair with his daughter's friend. And if it wasn't bad enough that he stands to lose half of his money to his wife, Hulk Hogan now stands to lose even more of it thanks to a lawsuit by the family of John Graziano.

John Graziano, you'll remember, is the boy who was critically injured when Hulk Hogan's son Nick smashed his car into a tree at high speed in August. Because of the crash, Graziano will need medical care for the rest of his life and has still not left hospital.

But while Nick has been arrested for the crash – police claim he was racing another driver when he lost control of his car – it's Hulk Hogan who's being sued by Graziano's family, as Reuters reports:

The suit filed in Pinellas County by the parents of John Graziano says Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, was responsible for the August 26 crash in Clearwater, Florida, because he knew his son liked to speed and race other drivers. The suit also names Hogan's wife, Linda Bollea, Nick Bollea and Jacobs as defendants. Linda Bollea has filed for divorce from her husband. Edward and Debra Graziano did not ask for a specific amount of damages but said John, 23, may need millions of dollars to pay for medical care for the rest of his life. He remains hospitalized with head injuries.

The lawsuit certainly seems to have merit – still just 17 years old, Nick has been ticketed four times for speeding, plus an episode of Hogan Knows Best centres around Hulk Hogan's reactions to Nick's constant bad driving. Meanwhile, a 2006 documentary shows Hulk Hogan's wife Linda staring into the camera and telling everyone how much she loves street racing.

It doesn't look great for the Hogans, and just about the only thing that Hulk Hogan has left in life to look forward to is American Gladiators, and you know the old saying – when the only good thing in your life is American Gladiators then you're basically shagged.

But this Hulk Hogan lawsuit is just the start of a larger problem – just as Dog The Bounty Hunter will never fully recover from his racism scandal, Hulk Hogan could also be destroyed by his proximity to such a horrific crash. And if that happens, it means there won't be any more oversized oddly-coloured angry blonde reality TV role models left, which is potentially very dangerous for society.

Aaron Carter, it's time to beef up and fill the vacuum.

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Hulk Hogan sued by family of Florida crash victim – Reuters