HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

X Factor Review, Week 14: IT’S 4 YEAR OLD ULTIMATELY UNAVOIDABLE GUMMO JOKES WEEK

By Sophie Hall

Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings.

It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time? ?WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of?Pythagorean law, we can deduce?14 hour ?75 minute long shows, except for all the ones that were 2 and half hours instead, (deservedly so, obv) not to mention the definitely necessary results shows too, which are around an hour a piece. We roughly round that up to around 34948 BILLION hours of the X Factor.

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X Factor Review Week 12: Review Disco Bullous Impetigo

By Sophie Hall

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well ? that's quite enough satire for one day, guys. It's a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we're going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don't you think?

This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven't contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.

And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.

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X Factor Kitty Calls One Of The Risk Something Really Racist (‘Vote For Me’ Face)

By Mof Gimmers

The X Factor splits Britain into two camps. Those that despise it and those that don’t watch it. Those poor swine who don’t watch it can’t escape it. It’s everywhere, being rammed down your modem all the stinkin’ time.

Anyway, here’s an article about the X Factor. AND IT CONTAINS RACISM! HURRAY!

That’s right. The already hugely hated Kitty Brucknell – a lady with an ambition nearly as large as her forehead – is about to make everyone forget all about that Misha B bullying thing after she said something (well, allegedly) really racist to one of the boring berks from The Risk.

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X Factor’s Craig Colton Is Sooooo Gay

By Robin Darke

It's been a rather eventful for homosexuals this week. It's been like a bad episode of Big Brother with people coming in and going out. Or like Frankie Cocozzo?s pee-pipe when he visits the GUM clinic. He's probably had more pricks in there than George Michael has had hot cocks.

Zachary Quinto, the World?s hairiest man has ?come out,? and seemed surprised by people?s reactions, and Jason Orange, the ?Is He, Isn't He? member of Take That has been rumoured to be porking Catherine Tate for the past few months. Which is one of the strangest pairings since Kinga ?Bootle Clunge? was dating Kemal from Big Brother.

A week of surprises all round really. But what you're about to read isn't going to shock you in any ways, except maybe that you hadn?t quite seen it before. Craig Colton – one of the favourites to win this year?s X Factor is completely and entirely gay.

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X Factor Week 9 Review: You Can’t Hurry Love-Themed 2 Hour X Factor Programmes

By Sophie Hall

Hey guys. The X Factor?s still on. But that's totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.

But as Virginia Woolf once said, ?When Frankie Cocozza had those girl?s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.?

The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we're going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said ?We all live in a yellow submarine?, which isn't technically accurate, and that ?Happiness is a warm gun?, when in fact ? quite hilariously ? happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?

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X Factor Week 8 Review: American Weird Stuff in London

By Sophie Hall

Before we begin, we just want to say one thing. we're sorry. ?No, listen. WE’RE sorry. Remember how you watched The X Factor for 2 and a half hours on Saturday? Well we're going to tell you about that in quite an unnecessary amount of detail now.

And what's more, you're going to like it. Yeah, in a sexually testing sort of way. Yep. Yeah, you're going to feel vulnerable and alone afterwards. No, we don't do cuddles, that's how people get attached. You kind of knew what you got yourself into when you turned on ITV1 on the 20th?of August 2011.

Or when you then subsequently googled ?Kelly Rowland’, followed by ‘The point of anything in the universe at all? with mild curiosity. So, in a way – you deserve what is about to happen to you.

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X Factor Week 7 Review, Part 2, 120 Days of Sodom

By Sophie Hall

Right, you lot ? no messing about. We know that we all like to have a bit of ?fun? every now and then on here, and have a bit of a harmless chuckle at the expense of these poor hard-working musicians, but Sunday?s episode of the X Factor was the most emotionally draining and traumatic piece of television we've ever seen, and now we feel all vulnerable and weird, so let's just get on with it shall we?

Because we don't want to talk about it.

Yes, this is the penultimate show before we hit the lives next week where we find out who’s going to be putting the hip in rohypnol in the fight for that incredibly?irrelevant?record contract, and who is not.

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X Factor Review, Episode 2: The One Where They All Did The Singing Again

By Sophie Hall

And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.

So before we begin, let's really think to ourselves ? what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.

Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.

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