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Whitney Houston’s Comeback Album Ready To Fill Your Stockings

by Stuart Heritage

This Christmas, families around the world will be united by one thing – the sound of a crack-addled hasbeen croaking out pale imitations of her best-loved hits.

Amy Winehouse? Don’t be silly – we’re talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That’s right, Whitney Houston is back.

Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston’s comeback album – her first for six years – will be released in time for Christmas. It’d be ready sooner, but it’s going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album’s artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston’s pupils are the same size and that she’s got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.

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Crack Addicts Unite For Blake

by Matthew Laidlow

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, tough, tough, huh, huh, huh, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets ready yeah, ooooh, doo da doo da. Sorry, we got ourselves in to a bit of an old-fashioned sing-song there.

You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, tough, tough, huh, huh, huh, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets ready yeah, ooooh, doo da doo da. Sorry, we got ourselves in to a bit of an old-fashioned sing-song there. You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband.
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Amy Winehouse Talks To Police About That Whole Crack Thing

by Stuart Heritage

Throughout all her bad times, Amy Winehouse has been focused like a hawk on one thing and one thing only.

And that’s performing at the Grammy this weekend. Amy Winehouse is up for six trophies and she also knows that performing will bring her an insane amount of exposure, leaving more people than ever before whispering plaudits like “Is she OK?” and “My God, what’s happened to her teeth?”

But Amy Winehouse might not be able to go to the Grammies this weekend, and that’s because the police have just decided to talk to her about the video of her honking on her crack pipe like it was going out of fashion.

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Amy Winehouse Has Another Crack At Rehab

by Stuart Heritage

They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab, but she said n… oh, you’ve already heard that one. Never mind.

Anyway, thanks to the release of that video where Amy Winehouse appears to be inhaling every last atom of crack in the universe through a glass pipe after a mighty big drug binge, Amy’s finally decided to get herself off to rehab for good.

True, Amy Winehouse does already have one unsuccessful rehab stint under her belt, but she’s learnt her lesson with this rehab – this one’s in central London and not on a private island, so she won’t have to wait for a helicopter when she inevitably sacks it off and goes down the pub.

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Amy Winehouse: Don’t Worry, Mary J Blige Is On It

by Stuart Heritage

Although Amy Winehouse faces personal and professional ruin after that video of her huffing crack got out, at she she can sleep safe knowing that Mary J Blige is on the case.

Made aware of Amy Winehouse’s plight by a shining crack-signal beamed into the sky, Mary J Blige has made it her business to help Winehouse out by hook or by crook, whatever it takes.

Or she just mentioned it in an interview because she’s got an album coming out soon and she knows it’s newsworthy. Guess which one it is, kids!

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Amy Winehouse Scarpers To The Crack Clinic

by Stuart Heritage

As Amy Winehouse knows, you haven’t got a drug problem until a national newspaper films you tootling on a crack pipe.

But now that the whole wide world has seen her huffing crack like it was going out of fashion, it looks as if Amy Winehouse has reconsidered a spell at that rehab that they kept trying to make her go to.

Still, though, maybe Amy Winehouse will benefit from this – it’s only through great suffering that great art emerges. Great art or embarrassing off-kilter wailing. We can never remember which one of those is right.

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What? Amy Winehouse Is On Crack?!

by Stuart Heritage

So that’s why Amy Winehouse was so weird at her husband’s court appearance last week – she was off her face on all sorts of drugs.

Yes, drugs. It turns out, you see, that Amy Winehouse sometimes takes drugs. And sometimes, just sometimes, tabloid newspapers are there to secretly video it, like they were on Thursday night. The Sun caught Amy popping Valium, snorting lines of ecstasy powder and cocaine and, yes, honking on her crack pipe.

But the good news is that the drug binge didn’t give Amy Winehouse a near-death overdose experience again. So at least she’s getting better at it.

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Tate Modern’s Big Crack Just Too Much For Some

by Matthew Laidlow

A long time ago when we were all nippers, we got told to make pretty pictures for our parents. Our teachers told us that they’d really like them and place them with pride on the fridge – covering the reminder letters from angry gas companies.

Yes, the drawings of our family were put on display even though they were utter shit and didn’t represent our parents well. Except our mother, who really does have three fingers, unusually long arms and a bright purple face. We always thought that art was done with pens, paint, chalk and – if you were poor like us – crayons. But apparently not. Now, there is something called modern art where we have to think for ourselves about what it all means. And injure ourselves on it too, if the Tate Modern’s giant crack exhibits anything to go by.

A long time ago when we were all nippers, we got told to make pretty pictures for our parents. Our teachers told us that they’d really like them and place them with pride on the fridge – covering the reminder letters from angry gas companies. Yes, the drawings of our family were put on display even though they were utter shit and didn’t represent our parents well. Except our mother, who really does have three fingers, unusually long arms and a bright purple face. We always thought that art was done with pens, paint, chalk and - if you were poor like us - crayons. But apparently not. Now, there is something called modern art where we have to think for ourselves about what it all means. And injure ourselves on it too, if the Tate Modern's giant crack exhibits anything to go by.
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