The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.

And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.

In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.

When you think of George Michael, you don’t instantly think of crack cocaine. That’s because, as history has shown us in the form of Pete Doherty, the music that a crack addiction produces is a sort of off-kilter retro indie that sounds like a tranquilised cat being tortured until it makes a noise that sounds like the worst song The Kinks ever wrote.

And since George Michael deals solely in insipid, mimsying soul ballads that only hairdressers and nurses are allowed to like, nobody really made the connection.

But it seems as if the connection is there. On Friday George Michael was arrested on suspicion of the possession of a Class A drug though to be crack after a toilet attendant in Hampstead Heath saw him acting all peculiar and reported him to the police.

It’s not the first time that George Michael has found himself in trouble because of drugs – in the past he’s been found slumped at the wheel of his car with cannabis in his possession, smoking as much cannabis as possible on national television and taking loads of whatever drug it is that makes you feel up unemployed van drivers in a bush in front of the world’s press.

But crack? That’s a much more serious problem. As we all know, prolonged exposure to crack makes you grow a funny haircut and start screeching the word “BLAKE!” at intermittent points throughout your songs, and that would never do.

However, it seems as if this arrest has made George Michael come to his senses a little, because in his obligatory post-arrest apology to fans, George Michael has hinted that he might be about to attempt something of a clean-up:

“I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”

Sorry, but this sounds like the most insincere piece of tosh we’ve ever heard. Not because George Michael constantly apologises to his fans after these drug arrests and yet he never seems to do anything about it, but because George Michael obviously doesn’t care about how much he bores people. If he did, all copies of Jesus To A Child would currently be sealed inside a lead box, encased in concrete and buried 400ft underground where it couldn’t do anybody any more damage.

Still, at least an arrest on suspicion of crack possession is probably as bad as things will ever get for George Michael. And, on the bright side, he’s now got something to pin his confusing friendship with Geri Halliwell a few years ago on. After all, a fevered crack-dependent mind is just about the only logical reason why anyone would willingly want to go through a mental torture like that.

She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.

And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?

The E! network needs to stop pissing about with these halfhearted reality TV shows about the Lohans and get a camera crew down to the O'Neals' place as fast as possible. They sound like dynamite entertainment.

Would you watch a reality TV show about Lindsay Lohan's mother banging on about her youngest daughter's non-existent music career? No you wouldn't. But would you watch a reality TV show about a family who attack each other with guns and pokers because they keep tying each other to banisters like dogs? Of course you would. That'd be all you ever watched.

And,needless to say, the star of the show would be Tatum O'Neal. Why? Because she used to be married to John McEnroe until they divorced and her ginormous drug habit meant that she lost custody of her kids, for starters. But also because she can improvise like the best of them.

Last month, for example, Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack in a police sting operation. But, as quick as you like, Tatum O'Neal said that her dog died and that it reminded her of when her mother died from drug addiction and the depression from that made her want to take drugs again after a long period of abstinence and the police arrested her before she could get addicted again and, gosh, she was buying drugs? She really had no idea.

It was a virtuoso performance, but it was short-lived. Tatum O'Neal's conscience has finally kicked in and she's pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court. Still, that hasn't stopped the judge from absolutely throwing the book at her, as BBC News reports:

The Manhattan judge told the star her case would be dismissed providing she attends a drug treatment clinic. The actress will return to court on 4 September to prove that she has attended two half-day sessions.

Did we say book? We meant pamphlet. The judge threw the pamphlet at her. And 'threw' seems a bit strong, too. Let's just say that the judge passed Tatum O'Neal a pamphlet and be done with it, OK?

Still, we've always said that if anything can stop a recovering addict's constant longing for drugs, it's two half-day sessions at a drug treatment clinic. Somebody should probably tell Amy Winehouse.

Anyway, now that she's firmly on the straight and narrow once again, Tatum O'Neal can refocus on slowly rebuilding her place in the Hollywood elite. A few months of hard work and, who knows, perhaps she'll even reach the giddy heights of her one-off 2004 cameo appearance in a single episode of the soon-cancelled US sitcom 8 Simple Rules again. We can but dream.

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

Crack cocaine is no joke – it can cause convulsions, nausea, high blood pressure, anxiety, strokes and – in the case of Tatum O’Neal – the ability to dream up all manner of rapid-fire bullshit excuses at the drop of a hat. Or at least that’s what it looks like.

Yesterday we told you how Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal had been arrested for buying crack during a sting operation in New York. That in itself isn’t exactly a grand surprise – not only did Tatum O’Neal once lose custody of her kids to John McEnroe because she was all spazzed out on heroin, but her family is such a gang of drug-mullered buttmunches that Sundays at theirs regularly involve gun fights, head injuries and boys tied to banisters like dogs.

So, now that she’s been arrested, the celebrity guidebook says that Tatum O’Neal should lie and cheat and plead not guilty and force a number of delays to proceedings in order to force a plea bargain out of the prosecutors and then snap it up as fast as she can.

But, since she’s technically not really a celebrity any more, Tatum O’Neal has tried a different tactic – she’s praising the police for catching her before she got to smoke any of that horrible crack and she didn’t even know it was crack anyway and boo hoo her dog’s dead and her mum’s dead too. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”I’m still sober! Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me. I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.” The actress says the death of her 16-year-old dog sent her into the downward spiral that ended with her hitting Manhattan’s Lower East Side on Sunday night in search of drugs. ”It triggered that my mother passed away [from addiction] in ‘98″… O’Neal told the Post that she didn’t even realize she was buying crack. ”It’s both?” she asked the Post reporter. ”I didn’t even know what I was buying!”

It’s certainly fortunate that police managed to arrest Tatum O’Neal at the exact moment that she was about to try cocaine for the first time in who knows how many years. What are the odds of that happening?

Still, at least this miraculous arrest means that our fears of Tatum O’Neal being a drug addict are completely unfounded. Had the police not arrested her at the exact moment that they did, then Tatum O’Neal would have a fully-fledged addiction again, but because they did she’s as clean as a whistle and as straight as an arrow.

Yup, Tatum O’Neal is definitely clean, and her story completely holds up because it’s not like she’s about to go to rehab for treatment is it? Is it, anonymous law enforcement source quoted by the New York Daily News?

“She’s going to go to her own, high-priced, out-of-the-spotlight rehab to get clean – again.”

Oh.

Unless you’ve happened to hear the news about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for allegedly buying crack and powder cocaine in an NYPD sting yesterday, of course, in which case you probably see Tatum O’Neal as a hellish cross between Amy Winehouse and, well, Ryan O’Neal. Don’t dwell on that for too long, by the way. It’ll scar you.

But, yes, Tatum O’Neal has been arrested for apparently buying crack. A former child star getting in trouble with drugs – honestly, wonders will never cease.

Thanks to their pan-generational successes and award-winning glory, the O’Neals are like Hollywood royalty. And it’s nice that they’re good at something because, seriously, they’re effing useless at everything else.

The O’Neals were responsible for perhaps our favourite-ever hecklerspray story, when Ryan O’Neal fired a gun at his son Griffin O’Neal because Griffin O’Neal was thrashing a metal fireplace poker around and hit his girlfriend in the head with it during a dispute that had something to do with Redmond O’Neal being chained to the staircase like a dog. That’s so impressive on so many different levels that it’s not even news any more – it’s art.

But it’s not quite perfect, because Tatum O’Neal didn’t have anything to do with it. You know, Tatum O’Neal – the youngest-ever Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner. The woman from one episode of Sex And The City and 28 episodes of that crappy Denis Leary show about the fireman. The woman who married John McEnroe, got addicted to heroin and lost custody of her children. Tatum O’Neal. You remember.

Anyway, Tatum O’Neal has been making up for lost time – because she’s just been arrested on suspicion of buying crack and powder cocaine from a New York dealer in a police sting operation. Reuters reports:

Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested in New York on Sunday for buying crack cocaine, CNN reported on Monday. O’Neal, 44, was arrested after she was seen making a purchase from a drug dealer, CNN reported on its Web site, citing New York police.

We should point out here that Tatum O’Neal hasn’t been charged with anything yet because, although she was seen buying something from a drug dealer and was then caught with what appeared to be crack in her possession, she might not have bought crack from the drug dealer. Perhaps it accidentally fell into her pocket as she was buying his services as a childrens’ entertainer, or maybe what he actually sold her was a bag of human teeth. Easily mistakable, don’t you know.

But if Tatum O’Neal was buying crack for herself, then the recovery from her addiction will be far more painful than this arrest, especially since the drug rehabilitation of choice in the O’Neal family involves a banister, a dog chain, a fireplace poker and a gun. But on the plus side, a public battle with crack addiction does have its benefits – Tatum’s chances of copping off with the dirty-looking pensioner from Babyshambles has like doubled or something.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today – police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

Nobody can really know what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse. That’s because to be like Amy Winehouse you have to be off your munch on crack most of the time, and if that’s the case you’re probably worrying too much about the heart attack you think you’re going to have to stop and think “Ooh, this must be what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse.”

But, hey, that’s just speculation. For all we know Amy Winehouse has never taken crack in her entire life. Yes, she’s taken cocaine, heroin, Ecstasy and ketamine to the point of a near-death overdose, but we can’t say for sure if she’s ever taken crack.

Yes, we know that The Sun secretly filmed Amy Winehouse smoking a crack pipe, and that as soon as the video was released Amy Winehouse checked into a crack clinic and that Amy Winehouse was recently arrested for smoking crack in that video of her smoking crack, but where’s the proof, eh?

There isn’t any. And that’s why the police have just let Amy Winehouse go without charge, as BBC News reports:

Singer Amy Winehouse will not face charges over a video that purported to show her smoking a crack cocaine pipe, police have confirmed. She was interviewed under caution by police in east London after the footage was posted online in January. “The Crown Prosecution Service has now reviewed the case and no further action is being taken,” a Metropolitan Police spokesperson said. “Amy is pleased to be able to move on,” her spokesman said.

Let’s hope this close shave with the law has helped teach Amy Winehouse a valuable lesson – next time anyone films her huffing frantically on a crack pipe, she should make sure that the video will only get sent to You’ve Been Framed and nowhere else. After all, if it’s shown on TV she’ll get £250, and that can buy you a lot of crack these days.

Yeah, allegedly. Whatever.

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No drug charges for Amy Winehouse - BBC

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!

We were arrested for stabbing a pensioner to death a couple of weeks ago. As we were being pushed into the back of police car, we angrily shouted “Why are you wasting time arresting harmless murderers when there are people on the streets committing real crimes like being caught smoking drugs on video once four months ago in their own homes?”

And it looks like the police finally listened, because Amy Winehouse has just been arrested for the video of her allegedly smoking crack in her flat in January.

We say allegedly because, although Amy Winehouse was filmed huffing from a crack pipe all boggly eyed and incoherent like her life depended on it, there’s no real way of proving that she wasn’t smoking something harmless like, say, asbestos or a dead animal. And just because Amy Winehouse instantly went to rehab the second the video was released, well, that doesn’t prove anything either. It doesn’t. Shut up.

Anyway, after having a chat with police about the video back in February, last night Amy Winehouse was finally arrested in connection with it, as The Telegraph reports:

Amy Winehouse has been released on bail after being questioned about drugs offences, police said. A spokesman for Scotland Yard said: “A 24-year-old women from the Camden area attended a London police station by arrangement and was arrested in connection with the alleged possession of a controlled drug. “This is in connection with an investigation connected to footage passed to the Metropolitan Police on January 22.”

Maybe this arrest will be enough to snap Amy Winehouse back into focus and get herself sorted out once and for all. After all, if a near-death overdose, the slow systematic destruction of her career, the sight of her own fans turning against her, actually being banned from America and a sexual liaison with the ugly one from Babyshambles can’t make Amy Winehouse see sense, then a slap on the wrist by the police definitely will.

Let’s hope it does, because if it doesn’t Brian Adams might have to write another song about her, and that’d just be a punishment for us all.

And, really, the last thing that Amy Winehouse needs is to end up in prison for all this, because if Amy Winehouse is locked up, then who’s going to go round indiscriminately beating up men?

What? Lee Ryan? Oh, OK.

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Amy Winehouse Bailed Over Drugs Video – Telegraph

Amy Winehouse? Don't be silly – we're talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That's right, Whitney Houston is back.

Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston's comeback album – her first for six years – will be released in time for Christmas. It'd be ready sooner, but it's going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album's artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston's pupils are the same size and that she's got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.

If the American government wants to catch Osama Bin Laden, it'll have its best shot at the end of the year. Everyone knows that Osama has a giant crush on Whitney Houston, and Whitney Houston has a new album coming out in the later stages of 2008, so if the CIA wants to know where he is, he'll either be found at the new releases section of HMV or smooshed up against the Today show window mouthing "Death to America! Marry me Whitney!" when Whitney inevitably does her comeback interview.

Yes, just when you though she'd given up music forever in favour of batting away imaginary demons in a crack-blasted frenzy, Whitney Houston is back. It's been a long journey for Whitney over the last few years – as well as being smashed out of her mind on hard drugs, she's also ended her possibly-abusive marriage to Bobby Brown, was forced to sell off just about everything she owns to prevent losing her house and had to endure dozens of witless arseholes murdering her best-known songs on Simon Cowell TV shows. No wonder she turned to crack.

But that's all in the past now, because the new Whitney Houston comeback album is almost ready according to Whitney's record label boss Clive Davis. Reuters reports:

Four songs have been completed for the as-yet-untitled project, and four more will be put to tape later this month, Davis said during Billboard's Music & Money Symposium at New York's St. Regis Hotel. "We're on track for a holiday release," he said. "We're not going to compromise who she is to fit into today's hip-hop radio market. The public wants Whitney material." Tracks earmarked for the album have been produced or written by Black Eyed Peas singer will.i.am, producer/songwriter Sean Garrett and R&B singer Akon.

OK, two things immediately come to mind here. 1) Four songs? That's rubbish – Whitney Houston's comeback was announced 17 months ago. That's 119 days a song. At this rate we'll be lucky to hear the Whitney Houston comeback album before the Sun expands and engulfs the earth, and 2) Did Clive Davis mean to say "The public wants Whitney material?" Because if Akon and will.i.am are in charge then we think he might have meant "The public wants material that sounds like it's from a fizzy drink commercial."

Still, however dubious we are of Whitney Houston's comeback album ever happening, we've got our fingers crossed that it does. Not only will it give Whitney Houston a feeling of success that she's been missing for a decade, but it'll also mean that we won't have to see shelves full of lazily-repackaged Whitney Houston Greatest Hits albums like we've done for every year of our adult lives. And that has to be worth something.

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New Whitney Houston album set for holiday release – Reuters 

You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband. 

Despite being locked away in prison for apparently banging someone on the head and perverting the course of justice, Blake Fielder Civil is still generating his own news. From taking dodgy drugs that nearly kill him and collecting Grammy awards from his wife, it’s a more exciting prison life than most prisoners face.

But now, it seems that Blake wants to give up the drugs. And he needs to get out of prison as well. We all know how Amy Winehouse has tried to make this happen – mainly by shouting the word 'Blake' 35 times during every song she sings on TV – but she's not the only one looking out for him.

It seems that a shining light of help has come from the most unlikely of sources. That’s right, Pete Doherty. The same person who constantly breaks his bail conditions on drug possession but still evades prison. He must be allergic to the place, unlike Amy’s Blake. And now Pete Doherty is all set to try and get Blake out of prison. As The News Of The World reports: 

“He's even started up a campaign to get his mate out of jail, calling it Free Blake For F***'s Sake.” 

Personally, we believe that C.U.N.T is a much better campaign name. We urge them to use this and we promise we won’t sue for copyright infringement. Though his slogan rhymes unlike ours. Maybe he aims to release it as some sort of charity song. A catchy acoustic number must surely be on the cards. But if Pete Doherty wasn’t enough, Blake has turned to someone else for help. And it doesn’t come bigger then this guy. It’s not fat Johnny from down the pub, it’s God.  

"When that metal door slams shut and you're alone with just your thoughts and no drugs, religion is the alternative." 

So what that basically means is that he’s bored out of his mind and has had to read the Bible for comfort. From Adam and Eve to barbaric torture, it’s a barrel of laughs that must surely be entertaining him.

We doubt that Blake’ll be knocking on our doors spreading the wonders of God if he’s ever released from prison. Unless he comes round to tell us how you can get away with sex crimes when you’re a Catholic minister.  

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Pete Doherty launches 'Free Blake' campaign - NOTW

And that's performing at the Grammy this weekend. Amy Winehouse is up for six trophies and she also knows that performing will bring her an insane amount of exposure, leaving more people than ever before whispering plaudits like "Is she OK?" and "My God, what's happened to her teeth?"

But Amy Winehouse might not be able to go to the Grammies this weekend, and that's because the police have just decided to talk to her about the video of her honking on her crack pipe like it was going out of fashion.

The Grammys are taking place this weekend, and the prerequisite number of godawful performances are ready to go. There's the Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet, which will finally give the world a before and after image of what Beyonce would look like if you kept her held down in bath water for three years. Then there's a chance that Michael Jackson will perform at the Grammys, although by 'perform' we probably mean 'spin around twice slowly while one of the Black Eyed Peas sings a line from Man In The Mirror.'

And then there's the performance that everybody's looking forward to – the Amy Winehouse performance. You see, Amy Winehouse is up for six Grammys and there's nothing she'd like more than to mark this achievement by performing during the ceremony. And if you ask her really nice, she might even sing in tune, tighten up her diction and not call the song to a halt so she can threaten the millions of viewers to a fight.

But before any of that, Amy Winehouse needs a visa to travel to America, something which might have been buggered up by that video of her supposedly smoking crack – not least because the police are now interviewing her about it. The Sun reports:

Amy Winehouse’s dream of singing at The Grammys this weekend could now be wrecked – after police quizzed her yesterday about smoking crack cocaine… Officers went to North London’s Capio Nightingale clinic to grill the star for two hours. A complaint had been received about Amy’s drugs binge exposed by The Sun last month. She was filmed smoking crack after taking cocaine, ecstasy and Valium. A source revealed last night: "She was not arrested. She is co-operating with police." 

Now, this might not be as much of a problem as it's being made to be. After all, when Kate Moss had a chat with police after that newspaper photo of her apparently snorting cocaine was released, all she did was flutter her eyelashes and she was released. Granted, that might have been because she's a supermodel and not a funny-looking toothless fairground worker who gurgles instead of speaks, but perhaps Amy Winehouse will still manage to overcome this.

And if her raw feminine sexual power won't do the trick, then maybe Amy Winehouse needs to remind the police and the American customs officials what they're at stake of losing if she's not allowed to perform at the Grammys. If you keep Amy Winehouse in England, there's every chance that she'll do an album of Christmas carols with Mika. And that'll be on your heads.

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Amy quizzed over crack video - The Sun 

Anyway, thanks to the release of that video where Amy Winehouse appears to be inhaling every last atom of crack in the universe through a glass pipe after a mighty big drug binge, Amy's finally decided to get herself off to rehab for good.

True, Amy Winehouse does already have one unsuccessful rehab stint under her belt, but she's learnt her lesson with this rehab – this one's in central London and not on a private island, so she won't have to wait for a helicopter when she inevitably sacks it off and goes down the pub.

Amy Winehouse has something of a history with rehab. Rumour has it that one of her songs is about rehab – possibly Just Friends – plus after that time she nearly died from a drug overdose, Amy Winehouse went to rehab for about 35 minutes before she decided to run off home again.

But it seems as if Amy Winehouse's alternative method of treatment – fighting her husband with razorblades and then watching him go to jail – hasn't particularly done a lot of good, if that video apparently showing Amy Winehouse smoking crack after a cocaine, ecstasy and valium binge is anything to go by.

However, aside from pissing on our plans to open a £10,000-per-day razorblade-fighting rehabilitation centre for the next time Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon, the crack video seems to have convinced Amy Winehouse to get proper long-term treatment, which is why she's just put herself into rehab, in the form of the London Capio Nightingale Hospital. CNN reports:

"Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors," the Universal Music Group said in a written statement. "She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards. … Amy entered the facility by mutual agreement and continues to receive the full support of all concerned."

Will this rehab stint be successful for Amy Winehouse? Well, that surely depends on why she's decided to go there. If Amy Winehouse has entered rehab for herself, to get cleaned up for good in professional medical surroundings, then there's a good chance her stay will help her a lot.

But if Amy is just doing it so that the police will get off her back and the American government will give her a visa for any US shows and isn't committed to her recovery, then chances are it won't work.

And if Amy Winehouse has just gone to rehab because it's a safe place to hide from Mary J Blige's annoying advice, then that's probably just fair enough.

Read more: 

Amy Winehouse going back to rehab - CNN

Made aware of Amy Winehouse's plight by a shining crack-signal beamed into the sky, Mary J Blige has made it her business to help Winehouse out by hook or by crook, whatever it takes.

Or she just mentioned it in an interview because she's got an album coming out soon and she knows it's newsworthy. Guess which one it is, kids!

When Britney Spears had her crazy meltdown at the start of the month, Dr Phil was at hand to sort everything out. Sure, Dr Phil's credentials might not be up to the standard of a state-licensed psychiatrist, but he's shouted "Get real!" at rednecks multiple times on TV before and that's almost the same thing.

But Dr Phil isn't there for Amy Winehouse. Things are looking doomy for Amy, with her banged-up husband apparently seeking a divorce and a video of her smoking all the crack in the world getting investigated by the police and possibly putting the skids on her attempt to, ahem, 'crack' America, but in the absence of a television almost-psychiatrist, Amy Winehouse has got the next best thing rushing to help.

Mary J Blige.

Now, granted, Mary J Blige isn't so much a qualified psychiatrist as a self-obsessed woman who might be on steroids. And she's not so much rushing to help as using Amy Winehouse's predicament as a way to drum up sales for her new album. But she has dispensed advice to Jamie Lynn Spears before and that's almost the same thing.

Speaking to ITV about Amy Winehouse, Mary J Blige said:

“I have things to say to Amy Winehouse, loving things and things she will be able to relate to. But I don’t really think she can hear me right now, because when I was in a situation like she was in I couldn’t hear.”

OK, so Mary J Blige isn't going to help Amy Winehouse come off crack after all. But she would, so long as Amy Winehouse wasn't on crack. If she wasn't on crack then Mary would get her off crack in a second. But she is on crack, so Mary's probably just not going to bother.

Did we mention that Mary J Blige has an album out? 

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Mary J Blige offers shoulder to Amy - ITV 

But now that the whole wide world has seen her huffing crack like it was going out of fashion, it looks as if Amy Winehouse has reconsidered a spell at that rehab that they kept trying to make her go to.

Still, though, maybe Amy Winehouse will benefit from this – it's only through great suffering that great art emerges. Great art or embarrassing off-kilter wailing. We can never remember which one of those is right.

Part of Amy Winehouse's appeal is that she lives her life through her songs – it's this ultra-personal confessional approach which led to the song Rehab holding the public's interest for months on end. But presumably Amy Winehouse's next song will be called I'm Fucked On Crack, because, well, she is.

After The Sun decided to fill its front page yesterday with a picture of Amy Winehouse smoking crack after bingeing on cocaine, ecstasy powder and valium, all just a few hours before she had to turn up to court and scream nonsense at her husband, it seems like Amy has finally seen the error of her ways. Yesterday Amy was seen entering a building which – depending on who you listen to – was either a full-on rehab clinic, a mental institution or the gore-filled trap warehouse from Saw III. 

However, it has emerged that Amy Winehouse definitely wasn't going to rehab. Not at all. Nope. Amy's not good with rehab. Instead, she was just… look, here's what Amy's slaves have said:

"Amy is not in rehab. She was seeing a doctor who she regularly sees as part of her ongoing treatment. It was a regular appointment which she attends all the time. She has not checked in overnight."

See? Amy Winehouse doesn't need to go to rehab because she occasionally sees a doctor about her problems – an approach which is clearly working remarkably well, as you can see from all the crack fumes that Amy was wolfing down like a greedy pig the other night.

But even though she don't need no stinking rehab, perhaps it's time that Amy Winehouse went there anyway, if only to save her career. Police in London are investigating The Sun's video of Amy's crack binge, plus the whole thing has pretty much destroyed any hope of Amy Winehouse being allowed into America any time soon. She had to personally grovel for a visa after she was arrested for cannabis possession in Norway, but it's hard to see how that appoach will work now that there's a video on the internet of Amy Winehouse honking down enough crack to fit into a suitcase.

But whether it's for her health or her job, it'd be good to see Amy Winehouse seek out permanant treatment for her addictions. After all, watching a woman vomit copiously because she's a crack addict is harrowing to watch. But watching a woman copiously vomit because she's chugged too much champagne is hilarious. Amy Winehouse should stick to that. 

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Amy Winehouse Not In Rehab – People 

Yes, drugs. It turns out, you see, that allegedly Amy Winehouse sometimes takes drugs. And sometimes, just sometimes, tabloid newspapers are there to secretly video it, like they were on Thursday night. The Sun caught Amy apparently popping Valium, snorting lines of ecstasy powder and cocaine and, yes, honking on her crack pipe.

But the good news is that the alleged drug binge didn't give Amy Winehouse a near-death overdose experience again. So at least she's getting better at it.

OK, so you probably guessed that Amy Winehouse probably takes drugs now and again. There's that Youtube video of her appearing to snort something in the middle of a song during a concert, for example, plus she allegedly overdosed on every drug known to man last summer and wrote a song called Rehab about that time they tried to make her go to rehab and she disagreed three times.

Plus, let's not disregard Amy Winehouse's new haircut. If that isn't the product of a substance-wrecked mind then we don't know what is.

However, now Amy Winehouse has been pictured on the cover of The Sun taking all sorts of drugs – something that didn't exactly help the careers of Kate Moss and Sophie Anderton when they were caught doing the same. All in all, Amy was caught taking cocaine, ecstasy, crack and valium; a cocktail that might kill a mortal but only made Amy Winehouse slightly concerned about the wellbeing of a cat. The Sun reports:

At one point, lank-haired Amy is warned to watch out for smashed glass on the floor as she scours a bedroom for her kitten barefoot. The dazed and confused star accuses a guest of taking the pet from a quiet room into the drug-fuelled hubbub of her house party. She mumbles wearily: "If I was that cat I’d leave on my own accord — I’d call a cab. It ain’t right. This ain’t Toys R Us. They took my cat."

And this is the woman who Blake Fielder-Civil wants to divorce? That's craziness. Amy Winehouse is everything that all men desire – she's thin, she cares about animals and she's constantly blasted off her chops of a procession of hard drugs. 

But, of course, it's the images of crack inhalation that have got most of Amy Winehouse's fans worried, for the simple reason that it's so hard to kick. Just look at what crack did to Whitney Houston – she went from being a bestselling powerballad diva to an incapacitated toothless ruin who divided her time equally between batting imaginary demons away from her and letting people pull poo from her bumhole with their fingers. Nobody wants to see Amy Winehouse turn into Whitney Houston.

But only because they really don't want to see her get married to Bobby Brown.

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Amy's spiral of self-destruction – The Sun 

Yes, the drawings of our family were put on display even though they were utter shit and didn’t represent our parents well. Except our mother, who really does have three fingers, unusually long arms and a bright purple face. We always thought that art was done with pens, paint, chalk and – if you were poor like us – crayons. But apparently not. Now, there is something called modern art where we have to think for ourselves about what it all means. And injure ourselves on it too, if the Tate Modern's giant crack exhibits anything to go by.

The Tate Modern is one of those places where apparently you have to go at some point in your life, so you can look at all those creative juices literally flowing out of the building from the cream of the crop of modern artists. So imagine our slight excitement when we heard that one of the exhibitions there had injured some punters going in for a look about.

Did someone write 'This is shit' on an installation and get thumped by a pissed-off artist? Or did the melancholy reflection on the fragile of mankind's slave/ master relationship with technology in an exhibition cause art-lovers to indiscriminately slash at their wrists over the futility of it all? Sadly not. Instead, someone boringly fell down the Tate Modern's 'crack in the floor' exhibition. The BBC says:

“As many as 15 art lovers have been injured at London's Tate Modern since the opening of an installation which features a large crack in the floor.”

We shit you not. Some fuckwit has fallen down a gap in the floor, despite it obviously being a crappy piece of art. The 167-metre-long crack in the floor entitled Shibboleth currently has no plans to be roped off to stop any more people falling into it. Did any of the injured art-lovers break their bones? They deserved to if they were stupid enough to not see that there was a massive bloody crack in the middle of the floor.

“Colombian artist Dorris Salcedo said the work symbolised racial hatred and division in society.”

After thinking for a few seconds between a slurp of tea and a Kit-Kat, we believe that this exhibition is just a poor tribute to Germany’s massive wall that one divided the place up, or the big fence currently in the Gaza strip, or the bit at the end of Ghostbusters where the pavement gets all busted up.

Falling into holes only really happens to hecklerspray after too many alcoholic beverages have been drunk and our balance goes slightly wonky. It just amuses us that people think it’s cool to go and look at a hole in the ground. We would like to erect an exhibition in the Tate Modern. It would be our interpretation of the lack of money in our lives. So we’d need a lot of money to go and spend on stuff like Nintendo Wiis, Playstation 3s, HDTVs, endless supplies of Stella, crisps, big comfy chairs and a few people to cater for our needs. People could then see our idea of happiness over a weekend as we have fun in a giant glass square. Call it A Modern Day Weekend.” 

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More Visitor's Hurt In Tate's Hole – BBC