crack - HecklerSpray

Whitney Houston Is Broke: Believes Children Are Future, Not Financial Investment

January 24th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Whitney Houston has had a GIGANTIC amount of MONSTROUSLY LARGE hits. That one off the Bodyguard where she looks like she’s defecating in a forest for the key-change in the video. That one where she had a blonde perm. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay.

Of course, there’s that one where she said that she believed that children were our future and that, should we teach them well, we could probably let them lead the way.

Well, it seems Whitney has been getting financial advice from a 6-year-old as her squillions of dollars have all but vanished from her purse, leaving her hilariously begging people for money. Crack eh? Easy punchline, but more pertinently, a Whitney Houston ruiner.

The Queen Vic to Set On Fire in Eastenders Tonight And Barbara Windsor Says Goodbye

September 9th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Whoever has been looking after Eastenders lately wants a pat-on-the-back. It’s been one of the most gloriously trashy things ever shown on TV. Lucas The Bad Pastor was fun, but completely obliterated by the fall-down hilarious antics of Phil Mitchell The Crack Head.

Phil – with his brilliantly pink head – has been wobbling around on our televisions, shouting random words in what appears to be the world’s worst (but funniest) impression of Father Jack from Father Ted. All soundtracked by The Who of course.

Most recently, his stint while locked in the back of a van saw Phil Mitchell doing an impression of The Incredible Hulk. “PHIL HIGH! PHIL SMASH!” The supporting cast stood stifling their laughs whilst holding baseball bats. It was astonishing TV.? And it’s with this that we see cornerstone of Albert Square going up in flames.

Phil Mitchell On Crack Inspires Greatest T-Shirt Ever

August 13th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Eastenders is a gift that keeps giving of late. Not too long ago, Hev was seen licking a rancid yoghurt lid from a bin that was supposed to belong to George Michael, Darren’s lovelife has revolved around self mutilation and of course, Phil Mitchell is on crack.

It’s hilarious. Bearing in mind that Phil Mitchell looks like a baby having a tantrum at the best of times, Steve McFadden’s acting chops are really stretched when he’s asked to play the drunk and now, the druggie.

This whole sequence is what is known as a ‘Bouncer’s Dream’ moment. It’s when a soap takes a baffling turn, leaving everyone wide-eyed and so stunned that they’ll only be able to talk about it in a year’s time, and even then, they’ll assumed they’d made it all up. Well, here’s your chance to buy something to cement this event into your memory.

Amy Winehouse Died In Blake Fielder-Civil’s Arms (There’s a “Nearly” Missing From That Statement)

July 27th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

In a bold move to try and make people remember who he is, Blake Fielder-Civil has claimed Amy Winehouse died in his arms.

The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse‘s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

George Michael Says Sorry For That Whole ‘Crack Arrest’ Thing

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When George Michael is caught being a dimwit in public he tends to respond with either an apology or a furious phonecall to Richard & Judy.

And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.

In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.

Tatum O’Neal Pleads Guilty To All That Drug Stuff She Did

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Tatum O\'Neal Crack Guilty drugs$ When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.

She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.

And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?

Tatum O’Neal: ‘Whew, Thank God They Arrested Me For Buying All That Crack’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Tatum O\'Neal arrested crack addict pleased drugs$ If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

Tatum O’Neal ‘Buys Crack’, Gets Nicked

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Tatum O\'Neal Arrested Crack Drugs$ Think of Tatum O’Neal and you’ll probably think of the adorable 10-year-old who won an Oscar for singing Keep Your Sunny Side Up in Paper Moon.

Unless you’ve happened to hear the news about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for allegedly buying crack and powder cocaine in an NYPD sting yesterday, of course, in which case you probably see Tatum O’Neal as a hellish cross between Amy Winehouse and, well, Ryan O’Neal. Don’t dwell on that for too long, by the way. It’ll scar you.

But, yes, Tatum O’Neal has been arrested for apparently buying crack. A former child star getting in trouble with drugs – honestly, wonders will never cease.

Amy Winehouse Not Charged For Her Big Crack Video

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse is like a bad news magnet at the moment – apparently it’s a magnet that also seems to repel soap.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today – police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

Amy Winehouse Arrested For That Crazy Crack Video

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might want to sit down for this – apparently Amy Winehouse has been known to occasionally take drugs.

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!