Cows are pure evil. Think about it – Satan has hooves, cows have hooves. Satan has horns, cows have horns. That’s not a coincidence.

Well alright, it is a coincidence. Cows are still arseholes though. But don’t just take our word for it (actually, do. We’re not prepared to look into this enough to present you with reliable sources and empirical research or any of that – just take our word for it).

Perhaps they have good reason to be arseholes, especially to us humans. What other animal do we exploit as much as the cow? We literally milk them dry. Milk them dry, cut ‘em into burgers and wrap their skin around us.

To cattle, we’re nothing more than six billion udder-tampering John Wayne Gacys. We may as well all be permanently dressed up in macabre clown suits with cow skulls for hats, drenched in their blood, exposing ourselves at children’s parties.

The idea of killing a few of us? They’ve certainly got a motive…

Most bovine-related deaths come from stampedes, usually directed at dog-walkers. Former Home Secretary David Blunkett was charged by a cow in the Peak District last year, breaking his rib. The cow had probably heard about some of the MP’s policies on something-or-other!

We don’t know.

Hecklerspray can’t really do political satire. We’re too busy taking the piss of out of Justin Bieber’s hairless pubis and looking up Miley Cyrus’s skirt to watch Newsnight.

Granted, they’re not particularly effective killers: they’ve only got twenty two of us in the last five years in Britain and there are 7.5 million of them. But when a cow decides he’s got beef with you, you’re dead meat. In this dangerous stand-off, the steaks are high – they’ll make mince-meat out of you. A grave-digger will make the hole, a cow will fillet. You don’t stand a chance, you weigh twelve stone and a cow weighs a tonne and that’s offally heavy.

Rump.

Can you believe you just spend the last few minutes reading this? Veally takes the brisket, doesn’t it?

XBox Kinect

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

If there's one thing that Heather Mills hates – apart from newspapers that obviously can't see how much better she is than everyone else – it's bloody cows and all that manky milk they keep squirting out of their cow-knockers.

Seriously, Heather Mills hates cows' milk so much that yesterday she went to Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner specifically to slag it off. Obviously, Heather Mill's attention-seeking rant was part of her new Viva vegan campaign that says global warming would reverse instantly if you stopped eating lasagne – but luckily Heather has an alternative plan for anyone who'll find it hard to become vegan straight away. Heather Mills wants you to start squirting rats' milk into your lattes from now on. And as devoted Heather Mills fans, that's what we're doing – in the office now we have up to a million rats strapped into Saw-style torture devices that do nothing but drain every last drop of milk from the rats' agonised bodies.

It's what Heather Mills would have wanted.

It's becoming clear to us that Heather Mills has a definite animal hierarchy in her head, and she's not afraid to tell the world which creatures are better than the others. Up until yesterday we had a vague idea of Heather's animal rankings – pigs were top because Heather likes pointing at them, then nude Germans, then mink because Heather likes wearing coats made from them, and then paedophiles, the only animals who mustn't be spoken about unless you're doing an impersonation of a distressed dolphin.

But what this hierarchy lacked was a top animal and a bottom animal. But thanks to Heather Mills' crackpot turn as the voice of vegan organisation Viva in Hyde Park yesterday, that's become perfectly apparent. The bottom animal is the cow, because of its role in global warming. And the top animal is the rat. Because rats sure do make delicious milk. 

Following the release of her disability-mocking Viva adverts, Heather Mills took to Speaker's Corner yesterday to deliver her pro-rat sermon:

"It's mad that we are having cows' milk. Even cows don't drink it after [the age of] one year, but we continue for ever. There are fields and fields of grain just miles from starving children in Africa being shipped to Europe to feed our livestock. There are 25 alternative milks available in health shops and supermarkets. Why do we not drink rats', cats' or dogs' milk?" 

Now, we're no experts, but we think we know why people don't drink rats' milk – and that's because it's fucking rats' milk. But, though we mock, we can completely see Heather's point here – not only are rats smaller than cows, so they take up less room when they're being milked, but their lives are ultimately more worthless than a cow's life, so you can tear the rat-babies straight from the mother-rat's womb and start milking them trapped in tiny boxes until the day they die and nobody will really care. Plus when you're done with them you can fit like 25 of them into a shoebox and throw it in a river.

Obviously, though, if people did start drinking rats' milk, Heather Mills would be the first person banging a drum and wearing anti-rat billboards outside the Rat Milk Advisory Board headquarters yelling about inhumane it all is. But, hey, just because Heather Mills is the sort of person who'd campaign for the ethical treatment of hairdressing equipment if it got her an inch of publicity, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't take this rat-based campaign seriously.

After all, Viva says that livestock produces 18% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, making it the second-largest source in the world.

True, the largest source comes from all the claggy soybean and tofu farts that vegans constantly pump out of their malnourished arses, but we'll skip over that fact for now.