Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Unfortunately, the snapping of Arquette’s phone set off security’s ‘Automatic Camera Detector’ and they were all over him like a cheap suit within seconds.

Prince still sells out arenas despite no-one truly knowing what he looks like. The mysterious singer is said to be able to hold his human form just long enough to take publicity shots but apparently hitting his stride during ‘Kiss’ renders it almost impossible not to revert back to the form which is natural to him.

Ignoring this obvious fact, David articulately said:

“Prince was like, ‘Alright, I’m about to play my hits, so get out your phones’. I didn’t take anymore pictures but the kid next to me was taking pictures and I still had my phone in my hand.

That’s not all though, folks!

“Security came to take this kid away and they said, ‘You gotta get rid of all those pictures on your phone.’ I said, ‘Prince just said we could take the pictures.’ And so I got kicked out of the Prince show.”

Unfortunately for Mr Arquette the usual response of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ was greeting with bemused humming and frantic googling before they booted him anyway for having married that annoying tit from that awful sitcom. He was forced, like everyone else who has ever attended a Prince gig, to sign a non-disclosure agreement to ensure that the reptile-faced singer will never be discovered by the American government who would take him away and experiment on him.

Prince was said to be mortified by the news that yet another washed-up celebrity had been removed from his show. In 2006, Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) was forcibly removed from a Prince show for attempting to ‘tea bag’ the singer from a great height and in 2008 Alfonso Ribeiro tried to revive his popularity as Carlton Banks by doing his famous dance on stage. He was beaten to within an inch of his life by security.

It was brutal.

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Courteney Cox must have been sad when Dirt was cancelled – her one chance to feel up a string of younger men for cash, gone.

So Courteney Cox must be thanking her lucky stars that she’s just signed up to star in a new ABC sitcom by the creator of Scrubs called Cougar Town, where she’ll get to play a woman in her forties who basically has it off with a string of younger men a lot.

Look, we know what you’re thinking – first Dirt, then Cougar Town. Courteney Cox is a really big fan of these salaciously-named TV shows, isn’t she? That’s good news for us, because the last three scripts we’ve written have been entitled Giant Slag, Tits! and Sluttybum McHussyknickers. We’re going to be rich, we tell you. Rich!

Former Friends stars basically have three career options – 1) they can make talky pseudo comedy shows that take themselves far too seriously, 2) they can make hopeless new sitcoms that die a quick death, or 3) they can enter the world of less than mediocre movies.

Courteney Cox already did the first one when she made Dirt, and she’s dabbled with the third by doing one of the voices in Barnyard – so that just leaves number two. And never let it be said that Courteney Cox isn’t a fan of number two.

Even though Dirt was incredibly accurate – it was just like working here, right down to the mentally-ill nutter in the hat who follows us around and our constant use of vibrators – it hasn’t been picked up for a third season, and that’s why Courteney Cox has leapt to ABC, where she’s signed up for Cougar Town, a sitcom by Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs. The LA Times reports:

“Forty-year-old women on TV are so beautiful and perfect and wrinkle-free,” Lawrence told the Hollywood Reporter. “People don’t do the reality of it, and there is a real comedy area about a woman who is talking about Botox, about having sex with the lights on and how her body is changing.”

We have to say that Cougar Town sounds like quite an exciting show, not least because Bill Lawrence’s involvement guarantees that every episode will be a zany, fun-packed laughorama right up the final five minute, at which point someone will die, the lead character will narrate a self-helpy voiceover monologue and some drippy music – probably performed by sodding Keane – will play in the background.

But we’ve still got that to look forward to. For the time being, Courtney Cox has to get in training for Cougar Town. What resources could she possibly tap to learn the internal workings of a neurotic older woman with an unnatural tendency to sleep with boys young enough to be her son? Who knows…