And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.

What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?

We’re not gigantic fans of Doctor Who round these parts, but it seems clear to us that the show is hell-bent on self-destruction at the moment. Remaking Titanic with Kate Winslet’s part played by a facially-paralysed midget was bad.

Casting Catherine Tate – the only human who pulls more self-consciously wacky faces than David Tennant himself – so that if you now watch an episode of Doctor Who on mute it looks like a serious drama about two people silently trying to use their tongues to dislodge wads of pork from between their teeth was worse.

But now Doctor Who has a daughter. A long-lost daughter. A long-lost daughter who’s never been referred to in 45 years and who does high-kicks and backflips and has a perky go get ‘em attitude to life. Basically, at some point in the past, Doctor Who fathered Scrappy Doo. Think of a worse idea. You can’t, can you?

But while Doctor Who’s daughter seems like a cynically focused-grouped way of scoring yet another Doctor Who spin-off – like Torchwood and K-9 and The Sarah Jane Adventures and The Remarkable Escapades Of That Extra Who Stood Near A Bus Stop For Two Seconds Once In 2006 – at least it’s made David Tennant happy.

That’s because David Tennant and Georgia Moffett, the 23-year-old actress who plays his on-screen daughter Jenny, are totally doing it. Hello reports:

Love has blossomed on the set of the latest series of Doctor Who between the star of the show, David Tennant, and 23-year-old actress Georgia Moffett. A friend of the actress has confirmed that Georgia, who has a six-year-old son, has been out on a series of dates with David, and that the pair have been meeting at each other’s homes in order to avoid being spotted by fans of the show.  “It started with some friendly dinner dates but it has progressed quickly and they are now in a serious relationship,” the friend revealed.

Awww, how sweet is that? We’ve always maintained that nothing is more romantic than when a man falls in love with a girl who’s 14 years younger than him and plays his own daughter on a family TV show. It’s just adorable.

Of course, this relationship between David Tennant and Georgia Moffett might affect the future episode that she was scheduled to appear in, because the sexual chemistry between the two of them might bubble up and put the country off its chips. Especially if David Tennant has his way and makes it so that the final scene of the episode shows the Doctor regenerating.

All over his daughter’s tits.

Sorry.

Yeah, that’s a good saying.

On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.

Kate Hudson. You may know her as Goldie Hawn’s daughter, or ex-wife of Black Crowes lead singer mangy hippie Chris Robinson, or the girl that dated Owen Wilson just prior to his unfortunate attempted life-ending mishap, or that girl that makes those movies with Matthew McConaughey that make you die a little inside and ruin the flavour of your Milk Duds because you can’t stop vomiting a bit in your mouth watching them, but now you can know her as Lance Armstrong’s gal.

It’s hard to keep up with those famous kids these days. Reports were just recently buzzing that Kate Hudson was back together with former smoochy love Owen Wilson, but reports of their breakup were out about as fast as their hookup.

Then on the other icky hand, you have Lance Armstrong who was engaged to Sheryl Crow, and his last conquest was reportedly Ashley Olsen (the probably not so bulimic-y Olsen twin).

Anyway, the pair were spotted in Texas over the weekend at a couple of Austin eateries. First, they dined at Eddie V’s, a high-end restaurant. This is all true, you know. An insider says so:

“They came in [Friday] and had dinner together, it’s true,” an insider tells PEOPLE

See? Told you so. The next night they ate with Lance’s three kids, so it must be getting serious. Either that or they all magically happened to be hungry at the same time.

Regardless, it’s great to see that since retiring from professional cycling, Lance has taken up a hobby, like dating girls that he can share t-shirts with. Not only is cost effective, but it doubles the wardrobe, really.

Read more:

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong’s Weekend in Austin – People

We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?

Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!

You’re probably wondering what everyone’s obsession with the Simpson family is at the moment. What with Ashlee Simpson’s wedding and Joe Simpson’s resurgent megalomania and Jessica Simpson’s persistant romantic misery, you’re lucky if you can go ten seconds without having a bright orange jaw the size of a paddling pool thrust into your face and be expected to care about it. But why?

Well, it’s partly because Jessica Simpson is an enduring everywoman with flaws and disappointments just like the rest of us. And it’s partly because piss-all else has happened lately.

Most recently, it’s been the relationship between Jessica Simpson and pad-wearing athlete Tony Romo that’s been getting the most attention, largely because nobody can work out whether they’ve split up or not. First Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were definitely together, then they were apparently definitely apart, then Tony accompanied Jessica Simpson to her sister’s wedding out of a sense of awkward guilt and now nobody has a clue about anything.

While some reports are suggesting that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo spent the duration of Ashlee Simpson’s wedding looking dour and miserable, another report has surfaced claiming that they were all over each other like a disgusting big-jawed rash. People reports:

“They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo continued to shower the elder Simpson, 27, with attention, said the source.  “They were kissing and holding hands throughout the night,” added the insider. “He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

There you go, haters. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are definitely still a couple, and it must be true because someone close to the couple who was at the wedding and wanted to go to all the trouble of telling a national magazine about something they essentially have nothing to do with said so.

So probably Joe Simpson, then. And just because Joe Simpson is fiercely dedicated to maintaining a positive media image for his daughters doesn’t mean it’s not true. Jessica and Tony are as much of a couple as they ever were. Someone ought to tell Tony, though – chances are it’s news to him.

Read more:

Jessica & Tony’s Wedding Day PDA – People

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

Call us premature if you like, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer should totally have children. True, Jennifer would have got a better looking kid if got pregnant by Brad Pitt, and a funnier kid if she got pregnant by Vince Vaughn, but a John Mayer baby is a guarantee that at least Jennifer Aniston will have a baby with quite nice hair – hopefully nice enough to disguise the fact that it’ll be the dullest baby ever born.

Why the sudden rush to imagine what a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby will look like? Because they’re totally doing it is why. The early rumours suggesting a romance between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seem to be spot on, because Aniston has been seen cavorting around in public with Mayer in that kind of ‘look at me, I’m so happy’ way that women do when they get a new boyfriend who obviously isn’t as good as their last one.

And that in itself is a big step – when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were together they didn’t even show up to the red carpet at the same time for movie premieres, even when it was the premiere for the movie that they both starred in together. Entire episodes of Oprah were dedicated to Jennifer Aniston explaining that she didn’t really like Vince Vaughn as much as everyone thought. So actual physical touching in public seems like a pretty big step, as OK reports:

So, genuinely, it’s charming to see Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson back together again. According to reports, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson were being all romantic together in Miami on Saturday for Kate’s birthday. Let’s hope that this time Owen and Kate’s relationship doesn’t end in the same tragic circumstances as it did before.

By which we clearly mean Fool’s Gold. Nobody should have to suffer through something as awful as that more than once. Ugh, it’s bringing us out in hives just thinking about it.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have always enjoyed something of an unconventional relationship. Owen Wilson was Kate Hudson’s first big fling after her marriage to Chris Robinson crumbled but – despite starring in a not very good film together – they were both reluctant to officially confirm their love for one another. They never responded to the rumours, and every time Owen and Kate were seen in public they acted all cagey and stuff.

Sadly, just when it looked like they might be ready so shack up and create the world’s most alarmingly blonde children, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson split up and Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. Whether or not the suicide attempt was due to the break-up with Hudson or because of some deeper underlying psychological trauma that Owen Wilson has grappled with has never been made clear.

But, hey, it doesn’t really matter because it worked – it looks very much like Hate Hudson and Owen Wilson are a couple again! Yay! People reports:

Hudson joined Wilson, 39, and his parents for a lunch at Lario’s on South Beach Saturday afternoon. “The four of them sat away from the crowds and had a blast,” says a source at the restaurant… The lovebirds then walked hand-in-hand to Skybar at the Shore Club, where they lounged and partied poolside on a bed. The pair chatted with each other, shared kisses and “were very sweet looking, it was super lovey-dovey,” according to one onlooker.

It’s actually quite heartwarming, isn’t it? Owen Wilson has pulled himself back from the brink of personal ruin and he’s stronger than ever. Back in the old days, the mixture of a relationship with Kate Hudson and the filming of a romantic comedy about a lovely dog with Jennifer Aniston would have sent Owen Wilson’s friends and family scurrying off to remove all the sharp objects from his house. But not any more.

However, we just hope that Owen Wilson doesn’t enter into anything too quickly. For instance, if he suddenly decides that he’s so in love with Kate Hudson that he wants to make a sequel to You, Me And Dupree, then we’ll have him booked into the nearest lobotomy clinic in a jiffy regardless of the consequences.

Read more:

Owen & Kate’s Romantic Birthday Date in Miami – People

Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?

Paul McCartney suits the role of husband very nicely, doesn't he? That's partly because he's been almost constantly married for the best part of the last 50 years, and partly because the idea of Paul McCartney's old man fingers creeping seductively towards a woman's bra creeps us the hell out. Mostly the last one, in fact. Imagine Paul McCartney whispering come-ons into your ear. Imagine it. Yeuuurgh.

Anyway, while we may physically shudder at the thought of Paul McCartney putting his hands all over our body like some sort of very old pervert, one person who doesn't is Nancy Shevell. You remember, Nancy Shevell, the woman who Paul McCartney possibly got all kissy kissy with last autumn. Millionaire. American. Young enough to just about be his daughter. You remember.

We thought that Paul McCartney was through with Nancy Shevell about the time that he put the moves on that Arquette woman, but now it's emerged that Paul has flown Nancy to an exclusive resort in the Caribbean to regale her with stories about what John Lennon was like until she lets him put his mouth on her tit. The Mirror reports:

One witness told the Mirror: "They were kissing each other passionately, giggling and smooching just like any other couple in the throes of a new relationship. They were so wrapped up in each other they seemed oblivious to everyone else. Paul certainly wasn't behaving like a world-famous rock star who has been battling a bitter divorce. He seemed like your average middle-aged man keen to impress his girlfriend. The only difference was that he was regaling her with tales of his days on the road with Britain's biggest band. Nancy seemed to be hanging on his every word."

We'd like to think that, after the trauma of his marriage to Heather Mills, Paul McCartney will spend a lot of time in private with Nancy Shevell reacquainting himself with what love feels like again. She seems a lot more suited to him than Heather did – plus every second that Paul McCartney spends with Nancy Shevell is a second that he can't close any ten-a-penny high-profile musical events with a godawful 35-minute singalong version of Hey Jude.

It's perfect – everyone wins. Well, everyone except for Nancy Shevell. But give her an injection of Chloroprocaine, a blindfold and a piece of wood to bite down on and she won't even feel a thing.

Read more:

Sir Paul McCartney and new girl Nancy Shevell frolick on beach – Mirror 

Not content with forging a relationship with Vince Vaughn that lasted almost the exact length of time of The Break-Up's promotional cycle, Jennifer Aniston is now reportedly getting smoochy with Owen Wilson.

Yes, it would appear that Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are an item. Wow, a suicidal depressive and a woman who give off all signs of not being over the distant collapse of her marriage. Those cosy nights in together must be just scintillating.

It's been seven months since Owen Wilson attempted suicide, and common consensus says that he should take it easy while he's in his current fragile emotional state. Anything too traumatic could trigger a relapse, which is the last thing that anyone wants.

But Owen Wilson doesn't care about anything like that – he wants to look fear in the eye. Which is just as well, because he's currently filming the most traumatic project of his life – a romantic comedy. A romantic comedy about a dog who brings a warring couple together. A romantic comedy about a dog who brings a warring couple together that – gulp – co-stars Jennifer Aniston. And, face it, that's enough to send most people to the quivering brink of suicide.

However, there's apparently been an interesting development on the set of this movie, entitled Marley And Me. Rumour has it that Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston might just be getting it on. M&C reports:

According to Star, Owen Wilson has been seen "canoodling" Jennifer Aniston in Miami, where they're currently playing husband and wife on the set of the upcoming film based on the best-selling book centered on a dog. "The hugging didn't end when the cameras stopped rolling," one crew member tells Star. "They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly." Star also claims the two bonded before the film began production, "they were speaking regularly by phone and Jen sent Owen some of her favorite books, including The Power of Now," writes Star.

Does this sound familiar to anyone yet? It's almost like the time when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn got all smoochy on the set of The Break-Up. And if that relationship was any indication, then Jennifer Anison and Owen Wilson can look forward to getting swarmed by marriage rumours by the middle of the summer that they'll coyly bat away until their movie is released on DVD, at which point they'll split up.

Oh, and also if that last relationship was also any indication, then Marley And Me is going to be a fat bucket of shit.

But hey, whether there's a genuine relationship blossoming between Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson or whether this is merely gossip – or even a deliberate PR exercise for the movie – at least it's safe to say that both Jennifer and Owen are getting something genuine that they honestly need from it.

Owen Wilson is getting affection and companionship, two things he almost certainly thought he was missing last August when he suddenly and shockingly slashed his wrists, which will help him on his continuing rehabilitation.

And as for Jennifer Aniston, well this is another way for her to prove to Angelina Jolie that she's not the only one who can shag people who she's filming with. Yeah that's right Angelina – suck it, you ho-skank!

Read more:

Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston rumors fly in Miami - M&C 

OK, that was too much too soon. Wipe away the tea, vomit or blood that the above line caused you to splutter all over your monitor and we'll start again.

Emma Watson might be doing it with Johnny Borrell.

What? You spluttered fluid all over your computer again? Fine, wipe it off and then we'll go into greater detail.

Emma Watson, the girl who plays  prissy young Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, once famously complained that no boys liked her. And that still holds true today. No boys do like Emma Watson – but awful skinny cricket-loving leotard-wearing rah-rah mockney turdholes from shit bands who have unaccountably high opinions of themselves bloody well can't get enough of her.

That's right – it looks frighteningly like Johnny Borrell is after Emma Watson.

According to reports, 17-year-old Emma Watson and 27-year-old Johnny Borrell ran into each other at a Vanity Fair party in London and 'immediately hit it off' before bumbling around London going to various other parties with each other in the same cab. 

Christ alone knows what Emma Watson and Johnny Borrell hit it off about – we're guessing it wasn't a mutual appreciation of each other's work, for the simple fact that Johnny Borrell is in Razorlight and they're about as easy to love as  exploding haemorrhoids.

Anyway, This Is London reports on Emma and Johnny's night of fun:

As Harry Potter's sidekick Hermione Granger, she has little problem defending herself from the most wily of wizards. But actress Emma Watson appeared to fall under the spell of hell-raising rock singer Johnny Borrell when she met him at a London fashion party. The 17-year-old schoolgirl, in flesh-coloured halter neck dress and killer heels, was soon chatting with the star of the group Razorlight… A fellow guest said: "Emma had gone over to speak to Pixie Geldof, who was chatting to Johnny at the time – and Emma and Johnny immediately hit it off. "It was clear they had loads to talk about – even if they don't look like they have much in common."

Fortunately, however, Emma Watson parted ways with Johnny Borrell at the end of the night, so at least we can all breathe a sigh of relief that he didn't put his pee-pee anywhere near her yet.

But, despite this, it's still right to be concerned by these events. Although Emma Watson is now old enough to witness her co-stars' mentally ill penises, it's nothing compared to Johnny Borrell's history with girls. Look at Johnny Borrell and Kirsten Dunst, for example – after they split up she wound up in rehab. Possibly a rehab for people who can't stop scratching at their skin and screaming "I can't believe I ever let him touch me!" but that's just speculation.

Is that what we want to happen to Emma Watson? No, of course not. We want her to follow the tried and true female child-star rule book – which invariably means she will end up in rehab, but only after she's made three successively unpopular mainstream movies and a string of direct to DVD erotic thrillers and before she ends up hosting an early-morning cable children's TV show about a happy pig. We can't let Borrell muddle with the formula.

Anyway, can you see a pattern emerging here – first Johnny Borrell goes out with Kirsten Dunst, an actor who hates acting; and then he sets his sights on Emma Watson, an actor who hates acting. It's perfectly clear that Johnny Borrell has a set type here, and if we were Hugh Grant we'd be bricking it.

Read more:

What would Harry say? 'Hermione' hits the town with bad boy rocker Johnny Borrell – This Is London 

And, like the old saying goes, adorability loves adorability. That's why Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia are totally doing it with each other. That's not exactly news – a relationship between the two of them has been rumoured for months – but with the news that Milo has met Hayden's grandparents, it looks like things have just become official. Sweet, no? So sweet that we're almost able to overlook the fact that Milo Ventimiglia is 30 years and Hayden Panettiere is just 18 and that's a little tiny bit creepy.

Almost.

When you work on a show like Heroes, you get a lot of time to fraternise with your co-stars. That's because the average Heroes episode is made up of 40% babbling on about that virus that nobody cares about, 25% Hiro pulling constipated faces and 58% godawful pseudo-spiritual voiceovers. Since that adds up to 123%, it doesn't leave much for the actors to actually do.

And if you're either Hayden Panettiere or Milo Ventimiglia, that gives you plenty of time to get it on with each other. And break the law in Japan. But mainly get it on with each other. 

Ever since they were spotted canoodling at a concert a few months ago, reports were rife that Hayden Panettiere (the self-repairing low-cut cheerleader) and Milo Ventimiglia (her whining haircut uncle) were a couple, but the lack of an official confirmation and the jolting realisation that he's old enough to be her father meant that nobody really paid much attention to them.

But now it's become unavoidable. A family friend has let slip to People that Milo recently spent time with Hayden's family in New York and everyone loves the adorable floppy-haired bastard:

"Hayden's mom adores Milo. She thinks he's so cute. She tells her friends that he's her boyfriend. She's very proud. He's even met her grandparents. He fits in perfectly with the family. Milo jokes around with her little brother. They're buddies… He really takes care of her, even down to the little things like giving her a back massage and going with her to work things."  

That's a true sign of commitment – going with Hayden to work things. Forget that they both have the same job on the same show at the same time and that him 'going to work things with her' is exactly the same as him 'going to work', that's still sort of sweet.

Since there's still been no official confirmation of Hayden and Milo's relationship, we have no idea about serious they are about each other. We hope it's completely serious, though, because we want nothing more than to see a 30-year-old man from a TV show marry his barely-legal co-star who plays his schoolgirl niece. We're welling up at the very thought of it right now, in fact.

Read more:

Milo Ventimiglia & Hayden Panettiere Are an Item – People

Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course – at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true. 

But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.

Since splitting up with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline hasn't had an awful amount of luck in the romance department. Not only was he sexually rejected by Lindsay Lohan – literally making him the only man on the planet, living or dead, to have accomplished this – but he hasn't got any bitches pregnant for two years, either. Given his 'one baby a year' policy, this must mean that Kevin Federline's testicles are twitching like Michael Douglas' face at the end of Falling Down. Either Kevin Federline gets someone pregnant soon or there'll be a messy explosion that nobody will want to clean up, even under pain of death.

And since Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton keep getting spotted out and about together, we're starting to worry that all Kevin wants to do is plough Paris' ovaries like some sort of disgusting combine harvester piloted by a cackling gynaecologist. According to reports, heads in Las Vegas are being turned by the near-constant sight of Kevin Federline partying with Paris Hilton. People reports:

On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. Both were in town to host separate New Year's Eve parties – hers at LAX, his at Tangerine – but each name attraction started celebrating early, hitting LAX on Saturday and Pure Nightclub on Sunday. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club. 

While obviously this alone is no proof that Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline are romantically entangled, we honestly don't have anything better to do than assume they are – and that begs the question of why they're even together.

Remember that any girlfriend Kevin Federline has will effectively act as a part-time mother-figure for Kevin's children Sean Preston and Jayden James, so is Paris Hilton suitable for that? Probably not, since we're sure we saw an episode of The Simple Life once where she accidentally lashed a baby to a warhead and fired it an orphanage. Admittedly that's slightly more responsible that anything that Britney Spears has ever managed, but still.

Perhaps, though, this potential relationship in the making has nothing to do with children and it's all just an epic meeting of minds. After all, they both have things to gain from each other – Kevin gets to strike off one more name from his list of dumb Hollywood blondes that he wants to bone, and Paris knows that the only way to get over the loss of a billion-dollar inheritance is to hook up with a shit-thick redneck. So, even if there is something to this rumour, we can't see Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline lasting.

That is unless Kevin Federline has only attached himself to Paris Hilton to make his music career look comparatively decent. In which case we can only salute the man's stone-cold genius.

Read more: 

Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline Party in Las Vegas – People

Question: what do you do to generate buzz about yourself when you are a big-time celebrity who has fallen out of the spotlight, and hasn’t accomplished anything press worthy for quite a while?  

Answer: Why, you strike up the most unlikely, brow raising, gag reflex-stimulating romance you can think of, like the one between Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen that seems to be brewing. No, really. It looks as if it's true.

We also would have accepted an answer of ‘ewwwwww’.  

When we first heard the rumours of fraternising between 36-year-old Lance Armstrong, and 21-year-old Ashley Olsen, we dismissed them as utter nonsense because our brains simply would not be able to process the idea of these two as a couple. But now the initial rumours seem to have some validity because Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen were seen checking into a SoHo hotel. Now the emergency overload alarms are going off inside our head with a sterile computerised voice counting down T-minus 10 seconds when the entire sector will self-destruct. 

Our tendency for the dramatic regarding pointless issues aside, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen were spotted enjoying a cozy evening together last weekend, which included at stop at New York’s trendy Rose Bar and a Broadway show, followed by turning into the Soho House hotel for the night. Oh, and in case you’re confused or happen to care for some reason, Ashley Olsen is not the twin that went to eating disorder camp, or something and dresses like the Derelicht garbage bag-inspired fashion line from Zoolander. No, Ashley has commonly been regarded as the classier, more together of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen duo. Score!    

Actually, it all makes sense that these two would get together because everyone knows that once you’ve defeated cancer, won seven consecutive Tour de France races, and frozen your sperm, the only thing left to do is date an Olsen twin. Doesn’t really matter which one. Ashley or Mary Kate. Just pick one, really. Likewise, it’s only natural for a girl that became a billionaire while in her teens making perky movies and selling sparkly lip gloss with her twin sister to jump to the next echelon of dating and go for way older guys that are likely serving themselves up a hearty serving of mid-life crisis at the moment.                                                                                                   

The real question here is what exactly do Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen have in common? Besides the obvious bonds of obscene amounts of money and international fame, that is. Well, we’ll be buggered if all we can come up with is hormones. Lots and lots of hormones. However, we personally like the pocket-sized portability of the elfin Olsen. She would sure fit neatly into the back pocket of Lance Armstrong’s cycling jersey.  

Despite whatever fires of love that may be burning now, an ‘insider’ close to Lance Armstrong suggests that next week Lance will be on to someone else.  This is probably true. In fact, Lance Armstrong seems to keep getting them younger, from Sheryl Crow, to Ivanka Trump, to Ashley Olsen….

Wow. Stay tuned in the next weeks for the promising encounters of Lance Armstrong and Vanessa Hudgens, Hannah Montana, and Dakota Fanning.