Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.
And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.
What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?
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You know that old saying about how a famous woman is like the village bicycle and everyone has had a ride and one guy almost offed himself after having a ride and now a famous cyclist is having a go?
Yeah, that’s a good saying.
On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.
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Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?
We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?
Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!
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Quick, get your confetti out – this fling between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seems to be getting pretty serious.
How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!
Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.
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There’s nothing quite as sweet as young love, apart from maybe slightly older love featuring a bloke who quite recently tried to kill himself.
So, genuinely, it’s charming to see Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson back together again. According to reports, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson were being all romantic together in Miami on Saturday for Kate’s birthday. Let’s hope that this time Owen and Kate’s relationship doesn’t end in the same tragic circumstances as it did before.
By which we clearly mean Fool’s Gold. Nobody should have to suffer through something as awful as that more than once. Ugh, it’s bringing us out in hives just thinking about it.
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Most men in Paul McCartney's position would have spent the last week sitting at home in the dark forlornly wondering how they ever let a catch like Heather Mills slip through their fingers.
Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.
So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?
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Christopher Walken, start running now – it turns out that Jennifer Aniston wants to jump the bones of anyone who starred in Wedding Crashers.
Not content with forging a relationship with Vince Vaughn that lasted almost the exact length of time of The Break-Up's promotional cycle, Jennifer Aniston is now reportedly getting smoochy with Owen Wilson.
Yes, it would appear that Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are an item. Wow, a suicidal depressive and a woman who give off all signs of not being over the distant collapse of her marriage. Those cosy nights in together must be just scintillating.
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Emma Watson, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, might be romantically involved with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight.
OK, that was too much too soon. Wipe away the tea, vomit or blood that the above line caused you to splutter all over your monitor and we'll start again.
Emma Watson might be doing it with Johnny Borrell.
What? You spluttered fluid all over your computer again? Fine, wipe it off and then we'll go into greater detail.
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Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.
