Couple - HecklerSpray

Doctor Who Shags His Daughter. His Actual Daughter.

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.

And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.

What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong Apparently Dating on Purpose

March 25th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

You know that old saying about how a famous woman is like the village bicycle and everyone has had a ride and one guy almost offed himself after having a ride and now a famous cyclist is having a go?

Yeah, that’s a good saying.

On a completely unrelated subject, fresh off her split from Owen Wilson (again) Kate Hudson and bazillion time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong are apparently dating. They were seen out together. Eating food. Twice.

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Possibly Back On, Earth Quivers

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Did you cry when you discovered that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had split up?

We sure did, but that was only because we were busy trying to take out our brain by ramming knitting needles up our nostrils just so we wouldn’t have to hear about titting Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo all the arseing time. It stung, OK?

Anyway, if you did cry when Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up then get ready to do a happy little jig – Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are back on! Or they might be back on based on one report of hand-holding! Or they aren’t back together at all! Or they’re forever doomed to a lifetime of unrelenting misery! Either way, let’s all do a happy little jig anyway! Whee! We may have pierced the part of our brain that regulates inhibition! Wheeeeee!

Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer All Super Nonstop Kissy Kissy

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Quick, get your confetti out – this fling between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seems to be getting pretty serious.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson Get All Smoochy Smooch Again

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing quite as sweet as young love, apart from maybe slightly older love featuring a bloke who quite recently tried to kill himself.

So, genuinely, it’s charming to see Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson back together again. According to reports, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson were being all romantic together in Miami on Saturday for Kate’s birthday. Let’s hope that this time Owen and Kate’s relationship doesn’t end in the same tragic circumstances as it did before.

By which we clearly mean Fool’s Gold. Nobody should have to suffer through something as awful as that more than once. Ugh, it’s bringing us out in hives just thinking about it.

Paul McCartney Probably Doing It With That Rich American Lass Now

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Most men in Paul McCartney's position would have spent the last week sitting at home in the dark forlornly wondering how they ever let a catch like Heather Mills slip through their fingers.

Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?

Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson: A Match Made In, Um, Somewhere

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Christopher Walken, start running now – it turns out that Jennifer Aniston wants to jump the bones of anyone who starred in Wedding Crashers.

Not content with forging a relationship with Vince Vaughn that lasted almost the exact length of time of The Break-Up's promotional cycle, Jennifer Aniston is now reportedly getting smoochy with Owen Wilson.

Yes, it would appear that Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are an item. Wow, a suicidal depressive and a woman who give off all signs of not being over the distant collapse of her marriage. Those cosy nights in together must be just scintillating.

Johnny Borrell & Hermione Granger A Couple? YEEURCH!

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Emma Watson, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, might be romantically involved with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight.

OK, that was too much too soon. Wipe away the tea, vomit or blood that the above line caused you to splutter all over your monitor and we'll start again.

Emma Watson might be doing it with Johnny Borrell.

What? You spluttered fluid all over your computer again? Fine, wipe it off and then we'll go into greater detail.

Those Two Adorable Heroes Kids Get All Smoochy Smoochy

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Despite what happens onscreen, the real super-powers that Heroes stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia have are grossly unpronounceable surnames and an almost epic level of adorability.

And, like the old saying goes, adorability loves adorability. That's why Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia are totally doing it with each other. That's not exactly news – a relationship between the two of them has been rumoured for months – but with the news that Milo has met Hayden's grandparents, it looks like things have just become official. Sweet, no? So sweet that we're almost able to overlook the fact that Milo Ventimiglia is 30 years and Hayden Panettiere is just 18 and that's a little tiny bit creepy.

Almost.

Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline? Oh Dear God No

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears – except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn't so much 'moving on' as 'doing something especially turd-brained'.

Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course – at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true.

But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.