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Imagine waking up every morning and seeing Coldplay’s Chris Martin lying there in his hemp pyjamas, gurgling while he dreams about drawing another slogan on his hand which will end world hunger.
It’s little wonder then, that Gwyneth Paltrow has conducted an interview saying that she “respects and admires” people who have conducted extra-marital affairs.
This is presumably because she can think of doing little else.
Chris Martin’s Coldplay are unquestionably successful. The amount of records they sell and the number of people who attend their shows around the world are often held up as proof of their quality.
By that token, you could argue that dog muck is brilliant because millions of flies just can’t get enough of it. Or racism. That’s popular around the world too.
Regardless, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care about all that because she knows best. She’s launching her music career and doesn’t need stupid advice from that dippy, stadium filling husband of hers. She presumably thinks Coldplay are just hangar sized turds.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.
And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.
Wait what?
Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.
And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?
Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).
Actors, for the most part, shouldn’t ever be encouraged to sing. Think about the characterless renditions heard in Walk The Line. Have you even heard Bill Shatner singing ‘Mr Tambourine Man’? Have you?!
Well, the next thesp to make you wish humans had never evolved ears is Gwyneth Paltrow who is threatening to sing at next month’s Country Music Association Awards. It’s little wonder she’s having a go though, seeing as she’s not even the least tuneful adult in her house.
She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay. That was a joke about how he’s rubbish at singing. Read More >>>
Hearty congratulations to Taylor Swift! Not because she won four trophies at last night’s CMAs, though.
Or because she’s the youngest-ever CMA Entertainer Of The Year. No, congratulations should go to Taylor Swift because she managed to get through all of her acceptance speeches without being interrupted by a hieroglyphic-haired berk with a weird compulsion to unfavourably compare her to Beyonce – the first time this has ever happened.
But then how could Kanye West possibly unfavourably compare anyone at a country music awards show? “Imma let you finish, but Darius Rucker is one of the most derivative, tedious and inbred-looking singers of all time. OF ALL TIME!”? Hardly.
