With his wrinkled, wizened face and ballbag neck, Neil Young is not a young man. In fact, he’s incredibly old. He’s always sung like he’s Methuselah, making Bob Dylan sound like a fresh-faced operatic toddler.
Of course, the older you get, the more you find things bugging you. Automated phone systems, self-service tills and absolutely everything young people do find a way into your bile, erupting out in a volley of complaint.
So what’s up with Neil Young now? Modern music, that’s what. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it in the same way his granddad would’ve hated his peers haircuts and music.
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Here at hecklerspray, we know a good pie when we see one and our love of their consumption is legendary the world over. However, our combined level of the consumption of the humble steak and kidney can be rapidly outstripped by human food vacuum Cee Lo Green.
You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.
The famed cake enthusiast has explained his recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic. The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.
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Bob Dylan is 70 years old today. That’s quite impressive for a man who has sounded, and looked 70 years old since 1962. Really. He owns a voice that sounds older than coal. He’ll be having his little birthday party today, with his little party hat on and cake shaped like a racing car, surrounded by whooping chums while he sits glumly in the middle of it all.
We wouldn’t want him to enjoy himself too much now, would we?
Of course, Grumpy Bob is just one of the many characters he’s made for himself over the years. He’s been Electric Bob, Folkie Bob, Born Again Christian Bob, Gypsy Bob and, unbelievably, for a brief moment, Rapper Bob. So who is he these days?
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Shania Twain once told us that ‘the best thing about being a woman is that you get to have a little fun.’ Of course, men have fun too. And when men and women have fun together, everything is just great, right?
Wrong. You see, in this case, ‘a little fun’ happened to be Shania’s husband – Mutt Lange – sticking his member inside Twain’s best friend in the whole world. “That don’t impress me much, uh-uh-uh-ooow“, Shania probably said at the time she found out about it all.
The fallout of this heartbreak left us all tantalisingly close to Shania giving up on music completely, never again subjecting us innocents to the appalling, vomiting country-pop smashes that briefly took over the universe like some kind of sonic herpes.
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Samuel Beam has been making records under the Iron & Wine moniker since 2002, specialising in lo-fi, hushed, folksy acoustic storytelling, but 2007’s The Shepherd’s Dog’s full band and upbeat tempos opened a new chapter.
It was difficult to categorise (if indeed you desire the ordered world of categorisation) and took sounds from different places musically and geographically. Its skill wasn’t in its courage for plucking ideas from far-flung corners but in the casualness with which it carried it out.
It doesn’t scream its influences in your face, Albarn-like. Instead it found the thread that runs through folk music regardless of its origin. You might spot calypso, west African, or dub if you listened out for it but you’d probably just hear infectious songs sung with a gentle lilt.
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Americans seem to love those cowboy country men. You know the ones who politely love the ladies, fondle tractors and sometimes kiss each other while pretending to look after cattle up a mountain, almost as much as they love their slightly mental divas who can run up and down a scale at precisely the same speed as Justin Bieber’s first attempt at intercourse with another person.
So it made TOTAL sense when they decided to get some bloke hecklerspray hasn’t made fun of until now – Blake Shelton and the ever expanding Christina ‘make mine a double please’ Aguilera together in the same room to become part of the coaching panel on a new reality singing show called ‘ The Voice’.
We can hardly wait.
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The nineties were dominated by the seemingly unstoppable force of dance music. Constantly changing shape with genres and sub genres born every month. Music was trying to permanently sound like the future and guitars were sneered at by the cool kids. But as the noughties wore on, progress slowed.
Then the cyclical nature of alternative culture reared its bearded heads and ideas that would have been unthinkable ten years previously were now in.
Backward became the new forward. Wood the new chrome and revolvers became the new laser guns. Country was cool. Blame Johnny Cash. In the eighties most people came to associate country with middle-aged stars of the past trying to carve out unfortunate pop music careers and in the nineties, most peoples’ idea of country was line dancing, Shania Twain and bloody Garth Brooks.
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You know what we like in an entertainer? The wild hope that wearing a big hat will cover for an overwhelming lack of charisma.
And we’re not the only ones, because Kenny Chesney – a man with a big hat and hardly any charisma – has just won the CMA Entertainer Of The Year award for the fourth time in five years, making him officially the most entertaining country singer ever born. Except for Garth Brooks. He’s equally entertaining.
This must count as one of Kenny Chesney’s proudest moments. Now he can look back on all the other country singers of the past and know he’s more entertaining than them. He’s more entertaining than Billy Shooter, Old Jeb Clovercleb, Whistlin’ Jimmy McFormaldahide, Redeyes O’Murderer and even, in a controversial twist, Barefoot Bobby And The Pregnant Mistakes. Congratulations, Kenny Chesney. You earnt this.
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Cee Lo Green Isn’t A Homophobe- Except When He’s Being Homophobic
by Michael Park on June 20, 2011 0 Comments
You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.
The famed cake enthusiast has explained his recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic. The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.
Read More >>>