Gordon Ramsay has a fascinating face. Even though he’s had botox injections to smooth it out, he still resembles a discarded scrotum from the Mount Rushmore project (he would have been Abe Lincoln’s balls for the record).

Not only does he look like a granite teste, but he’s also more irritating than a Jonas Brothers gig.

And so, take great joy in the knowledge that, while in Costa Rica, someone tried to shoot Gordon Ramsay’s face off.

So why was Gordon Ramsay in Costa Rica? Was he there to shout at small cafe owners until they actually placed their heads in their own ovens for a mass-suicide? Nope. He was trying to uncover the illicit trade in shark fins as part of Channel 4’s Big Fish Fight series.

Of course, shark fins are something that figure highly in all of our daily lives aren’t they? Only this morning, hecklerspray had shark fin flakes with Frosties and a shot of blended shark fin with our shark tears and milk combo.

Ramsay said:

“It is a multibillion dollar industry, completely unregulated. Uh? (YES CHEF!) We traced some of the biggest culprits to Costa Rica. Big boy. Uh? (YES CHEF) The day before we got there, a Taiwanese crew landed a haul of hammerhead sharks – uh? (YES CHEF) – police searched the boat and found bails of cocaine. *jigs up and down like he needs a piss*

“These gangs operate from places that are like forts, with barbed-wire perimeters and gun towers. At one, I managed to shake off the people who were keeping us away, ran up some stairs to a rooftop and looked down to see thousands and thousands of fins, drying on rooftops as far as the eye could see.”

Don’t care. Don’t even slightly care. When are you nearly getting shot?

“When I got back downstairs they tipped a barrel of petrol over me. Then these cars with blacked out windows suddenly appeared from nowhere, trying to block us in. We dived into the car and peeled off.”

They tipped petrol over you? Did they set it on fire?

“In a quiet moment I dived from the boat to swim with marlin. I swam under the keel and saw this sack tied to it. I opened it and it was full of shark fins. The minute I threw this bag on deck, everyone started screaming and shouting.

“Back at the wharf, there were people pointing rifles at us to stop us filming. A van pulled up and these seedy characters made us stand against the wall. The police came and advised us to leave the country. They said ‘if you set one foot in there, they’ll shoot you’.”

The crushing reality of this, is that this story is only going to make Ramsay feel more bloody worthy, making him reach critical mass of ego. We can only hope that, during 2011, he actually explodes during one of those awful live cookathons that he used to do.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Travel advice now for Jewish, crotch-repulsed drivers headed to Costa Rica this weekend – don’t go!

Don’t go! We’re not messing around! If you go to Costa Rica this weekend, you’re in for a really terrible time. We’re not joking. Because joining you in Costa Rica will be notorious hell-raisers Britney Spears and Mel Gibson. And people – Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have gone to Costa Rica… together!

But one crumb of comfort should be taken in the fact that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson haven’t gone to Costa Rica for a romantic getaway. Because, seriously, if Britney’s berserk, bipolar, approval-starved genes got mixed up with Mel’s angry, alcoholic, racially-suspicious, hardline religious genes to create a new life, well, we’ll have found that life-long malevolent global oppressor we’ve been dreading.

With the Burmese cyclone and the Chinese earthquake, the last thing the planet needs now is for yet another natural disaster to decimate it. We’re not sure if Britney Spears and Mel Gibson going on holiday to Costa Rica together qualifies as a natural disaster, but we’re furiously ramming crates of tinned food into an aid package just in case.

Because it’s hard to think of two celebrities who’ve made more of a douchey impact on the world over the last few years than Britney Spears and Mel Gibson.

While Britney’s been suffering from a gradual tick tick tick of spiralling mental instability that’s run the gauntlet from professional failure through allegations of child abuse all the way to a stint in a psychiatric hospital, Mel destroyed his life in one moment of explosive drunken car-driving anti-Semetic sex-threatening sugartittery. Different methods, sure, but with mainly the same result.

And this shared love of buggering their own lives up almost beyond repair have meant that Britney Spears and Mel Gibson have struck up an unlikely friendship. Two months ago Britney and Mel were seen eating Russian food together, and now that’s been extended into a horrific-sounding Spears/Gibson family holiday in sunny Costa Rica. E! Online reports:

E! News has confirmed the singer joined Mel Gibson aboard a private jet this morning, bound for Costa Rica. The unlikely, but not unprecedented, duo was joined on their trip by Spears’ father, Jamie, and Gibson’s wife, Robyn. Though the exact nature of the trip is not yet known, it appears to be nothing more than a friendly weekend getaway, with a source telling E! News the group departed from Los Angeles with the intention of hanging out at Gibson’s Costa Rica property “for a couple days.”

Actually, it’s cruel of us to suggest that Britney and Mel’s weekend in Costa Rica will end up in a huge drunken mess. Mel Gibson has managed to get his career back on track since his little incident, and his propensity to help other troubled celebrities is admirable. Maybe a getaway with the Gibsons will help Britney Spears get right back on track.

So what will Britney Spears and Mel Gibson be doing in Costa Rica this weekend? Let’s see what Rough Guide has to say about the country:

San José’s nightlife is gratifyingly varied, with scores of friendly bars and live music venues. Be aware, though, that prostitution is legal in Costa Rica and, in San José, very mainstream. Sex tourism is on the rise, and you’ll find that many of the “bars” in downtown are, in reality, little more than pick-up joints for professional transactions.

Wuh-ohhhhhhh!

Read more:

Brit ‘n’ Mel Become Bon Voyage BFFs – E! Online