Watch this. Editor Mof is in it looking like an idiot and talking like a fool (and they cut out all the bits where he was nasty about everyone on Earth,mercifully) at the Cosmo Blog Awards 2011.

Thanks to all who voted for us. We’ll stop going on about it now.

So. hecklerspay went and won an award. That’s right. Between the judging panel of Cosmopolitan UK and all you wonderfully rotten people who voted for Team ‘Spray, we went and landed Best Celeb Blog.

An award so important that the word ‘celebrity’ can be abbreviated.

And so, here’s a little diary of the night, complete with photographs of the event. And me, Editor Mof, went and made an absolute fool of himself as promised. All thanks to you shower of gits. (Seriously though, thanks and everything. Next month, you shall build a giant statue in my honour or else).

Arriving in London, it seemed pretty obvious that we weren’t going to win a damn thing. Why would we? We’re not even a serious celebrity blog. We hate celebrities. We suspect that our rivals in the field of ‘Celeb’ rather enjoy the whereabouts of Kim Kardashian or the size of Lee Ryan’s glute implant or whatever it is they all write about.

We wouldn’t know. We don’t read celebrity blogs. We can’t even read or write at all.

And so, arriving in some nightclub in Mayfair, a place that makes anyone with any semblance of self-awareness feel like crying, Team Spray arrived for a night a disappointment, other bloggers ignoring us and, most importantly, a free bar to thoroughly exploit.

The latter part, I figured, was the best way of gleaning some kind of reward for writing and editing the site. We definitely weren’t going to win an award by a magazine that promotes shoes and blow-jobs, were we?

Mercifully, former Team Sprayer Chris Laverty (nominated for his actually very good blog, Clothes On Film) was in attendance, which meant that sarcasm was represented in the face of all that… fashion. So while dressed like something from a ’70s sitcom, we proceeded to ignore the nail bar, make-up stand and the trillions of young women all running around with their SLR cameras and ozone puking amounts of hairspray.

Of course, this being a swish thing, there was incredibly tiny food to be eaten. And no, I have absolutely no idea what that is in my hand in the picture above. Did I eat it? Yes. With a Lemsip MAX STRENGTH CAPSULE and booze to fend off some dreadfully vague illness I’ve got? Yes.

And then, at some point, Cosmo made a terrible, terrible mistake and called hecklerspray out as the winners of Best Celeb Blog.

As you can see from this OFFICIAL PHOTO TAKEN BY THE COSMO PEOPLE WHILE I WAS ON-STAGE (that’s the best credit we can all hope for at the moment), I didn’t exactly do a nice pose like all the fashionable young women when they won. In fact, the variety of poses thrown invariably left me looking like a three legged giraffe being kicked down a wishing well.

At least the people in the background thought it was funny. Not sure about the embarrassed laugh that emitted from the darkness that greeted you when vainly trying to look out to the crowd from the podium. It was pitying wasn’t it? God, they all hated me.

Then there was a thing  which said Cosmopolitan all over it, which I posed for with my award. Later, I would have a similar experience with a camera crew who interviewed me with a TV camera set-up and it was obvious they weren’t prepared for a slightly drunk Northern idiot with a hacking cough slagging off all his writers, readers and such.

Here’s a closer look at the award itself. On the back, written in thick black permanent marker, someone had written “BRING BACK STU HERITAGE” which was nice.

Either way, the whole thing was incredibly awkward for the socially inept ‘sprayer, finding himself with gregarious would-be starlets, all resentful of the fact that a lumpen gimp in a bad corduroy jacket with a stain down the front had managed to win Best Celeb Blog.

Then we broke the live hashtag feed wall thingy.

And it’s partly because of you that this happened. And partly because we’re so obviously amazing. Someone, somewhere in the Cosmo office is actually going to ’round to reading the site and realise what a dreadful mistake handing us an award really is.

Sorry.

Mof (now entitled to a free pair of ladies shoes from a website as prize for winning)

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There’s still time to vote for Hecklerspray so we can totally win the BEST CELEB category at the Cosmo Blog Awards. Just imagine us lot, pale and wan, malnourished and drunk amongst a gaggle of glamorous fashion bloggers.

Just think of that. We’ll be drunk with nerves. Nerves and booze. So this almost certainly means we’ll be acting like idiots at the ceremony. You should vote for us just to make us suffer. It’s only fair after we’ve put you through misery with our awful, awful articles. Just click the image above and vote vote VOTE!

Somehow, we’ve been nominated for a Cosmopolitan Blog Award. That’s nice isn’t it? If we win, we absolutely promise to make a terrible account of ourselves in ill-fitting clothes. We owe you that much. We just need you to vote for us, that’s all.

So click the image or this link. Then, you’ll have to enter your email address and you’ll find us in the celebrity section. Voting for us is a vote for the needy.

There is only one source on this earth that is better at producing terrifying quotables than the Men’s Health sex advice column – Megan Fox, in just about every interview that she has ever given.

Men’s Health bend over backwards every month to produce the most unbelievably stupid relationship advice they can. Yet without even trying their arch-nemesis Megan repeatedly wipes the floor with them in the Who Can Produce The Stupidest Quotes This Month contest.

The latest relationship advice from the Men’s Health sex column is entitled Make Her Seduce You. While Megan’s contest entry this month comes from the October 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan.

The Men’s Health column is so off the wall this month. The only logical conclusion one could come to is the person writing it is having a joke at your expense. A rather long-winded joke that is more likely to land you in jail than in the sack with your partner. While the delightful Megan just makes you glad that you stopped reading Cosmo when everyone else did – 10 years ago.

Rather than reprimand the two for being so hostile to their own fan-base, let us turn them on each other for the sake of our amusement. If Megan is as sexual as she says she is, and if Men’s Health is worth the paper it’s printed on, let us shoddily throw together a Men’s Health guide to seducing Megan Fox.

The first tip offered will help you to turn on that illusive A-list beauty.

Men’s Health tip number one: She initiates sex about as often as Libya initiates peace.
Men’s Health solution: Buy her new shoes.

Yes. Don’t dare hint that you have enough respect for her to initiate a conversation. Buy her two sizes too small shoes.

In order to have this trick work with Megan you need to aim a little higher than her feet. She suggests the way to her heart is her stomach, by making her a sandwich. Oh, hang on. A Manwich. Close enough.

Megan to Cosmo on her ideal man and what turns her on: “A sexy sandwich with Andy Samberg and Jonah Hill…”

The second issue tackled is how often one’s partner hides under the sheets during a session.

Men’s Health tip number two: She hides her body under sheets, pillows, and you.
Men’s Health solution: Go for general compliments. Tell her, “Your body is incredible.”

For a shy partner Men’s Health recommend glib comments. Instead of getting a slap around the back of the head for complimenting her boobs, just tell her she’s hotness all over. Because nondescript compliments always sound sincere when one of you is half-naked.

Megan has no such issues with getting naked. Though she says she almost never gets naked in front of her lovers. Instead she gets naked in front of photographers for lad’s mag shoots. So that kind of sucks for you, should you ever get her into the bedroom.

Megan to Cosmo on being able to count the number of guys she’s gotten naked in front of on one hand: “I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it’s a superiority complex–my needing to keep them down.”

This final tidbit is something not even the wishful thinkers at Men’s Health saw coming. According to Megan she and any other woman in a heterosexual relationship holds all of the power in their vagina. Oh, hang on a minute. Because of their vagina. The former was just silly.

On women having the power in a her relationship: “Women hold the power because we have the vaginas. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and you’re a female, you win.”

So there you have it, other than one curve-ball that not even Nostradamus saw coming, that is how one would go about getting Megan Fox to seduce them. Easy as pie. Or shall we say, easy as making a manwich.

This was a guest blog by the glorious and lovely Amy Grindhouse. Visit her blog now, please

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Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard.

Whether you like Usher‘s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it’s perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.

Horny Usher also has a perfume out that bears his name stencilled in big bold letters using what can only be described as ‘tattoo script’. It smells a bit like turps and takes his personal fortune up into the trillions – thus confirming his status as ‘richest man to be named after the job you give someone who isn’t good enough to be Best Man at your wedding’.

As for his own nuptials, Usher isn’t confident about staying faithful, which must be either music to his wife’s ears if she is looking for a cut of his diamond factory, or pretty miserable if she, like, you know, loves him and stuff.

Usher told Cosmopolitan magazine:

“I’m good at making love, but I’m not good at being in love. It’s a conscious decision every day to love the person you’re with“.

The man who would be Chris Eubank with a signet ring married then-pregnant fiancée Tameka Foster in August 2007 after abruptly calling off the ceremony just a month before.

This might not be the best omen in the world and, coupled with Usher’s utter disregard for why people get married in the first place, gives us the gall to pencil in his divorce for, say, February 2009.

If he has issue with this statement, Usher is welcome to drop by our offices in London and put us straight. Now that’s London, not Manchester when it should be Kent, just as the bling king so memorably muddled up during a recent gig in the sleepy southeast county.

Married life might not be the worst thing in the world for Usher though; he should give it a chance. It’s fun to put on more weight than Oprah and then slouch about in your own filth while your better half nags you about drain hair and the toilet seat. So Jay-Z says anyway.

To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn't just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday's Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who's doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year's winner was Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to deal with the crushingly awkward situation of running into an old flame and being forced to make clumsily stilted conversation with their new partner. It's horrible – small-talk is difficult at the best of times without your entire brain refusing to move on from shrieking "I bet he's better at sex than you!" at full volume – which is why sometimes it's better just to have a massive punch-up like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee did that time. Rather that than let the voices in your head win, we say.

But sometimes the situation is unavoidable. Like, for instance, if you ever sleep with Jessica Simpson there's a good chance that you'll eventually run into another man who's slept with Jessica Simpson. Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore.

Oh, we're just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn't a whore. She just sleeps exclusively with men who identically fit the profile of a Cosmopolitan magazine Fun Fearless Male, which can get a little awkward come the annual Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Male luncheon. USA Today reports:

Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson's ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her. Last year, Simpson's ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony… "I haven't hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I'm honored," said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.

Not only that, but the founder of MySpace also won a Fun Fearless Male award, and he's helping Jessica Simpson go to Kuwait to perform soon. So why has everyone who Jessica Simpson ever been romantically involved with received a Fun Fearless Male award? Well, we don't know about the 'fun' part but you're sure to be pretty fearless after spending a few months waking up in the night, seeing Jessica Simpson's silhouetted jawline and thinking that a giant robot Tyrannosaurus had come from the future to bite you in half. 

And Jessica Simpson should be pleased about this, too – her career might be constantly hitting ever-lower depths, but at least she knows that she's got a decent taste in men. Or that men are sucking all her talent out of her vagina with their penises. Could be either, all said.

Read more:

'Cosmo' men joke about Jessica Simpson thread - USA Today