What springs to mind when somebody says “duel”? People flouncing about with swords, trying to kill each other? Yes? Well, forget about that. Because this week, Dancing on Ice brought us the least threatening duels of all time.

There were no swords. There was no serious injury. There were just two celebrities on the ice at the same time, skating one after the other, and wearing vaguely coordinated outfits.

And the prize for winning the duel? Did they get to use their skating blades to hack their rival’s costume to pieces? Or to inflict some dramatic but non-lethal wounds upon them? Or steal their partner? Or do anything? Anything at all?

No. They got immunity from this week’s skate-off. That was it.

First to compete for the world’s least exciting prize were Chico and Sam, who as well as sharing the ice and the music were also sharing their costume. Not literally, unfortunately, even though a pantomime horse on ice could be utterly brilliant.

Instead, they were both dressed a bit like Freddie Mercury and as per the rules of this particular “duel”, they started off facing each other. Doing push ups, which we assume was considerably easier for one Freddie than the other.

In fact, everything seemed to be easier for Chico/Freddie, who was just shitloads better than Sam/Freddie. He was faster, and better at the lifts, and did more complicated fancy stuff. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more devastating for Sam he had to finish the routine with yet more push ups, even though his arms were presumably burning more than Lindsay Lohan’s ladybits.

Next up were Jennifer and Sebastian, who were set up as the ULTIMATE SKATING DICHOTOMY. Jennifer, you see, has a background as a dancer but isn’t a great skater. Sebastian is shit-hot at skating, but can’t perform. If you could smush them together, they’d be great. But you can’t, so they were both just mediocre.

They couldn’t even match their costumes as well as the two Freddies. The judges just about managed to muster enough enthusiasm to give immunity to Sebastian. And then they had to attempt to be sympathetic towards Corey and Chemmy.

Corey and Chemmy don’t have any confidence, you see, and so they were united in the Duel of Low Self-Esteem. Luckily for Chemmy though, Corey also suffers from severe and long-lasting delusions. He’s under the impression that he can dance and skate, even though he’s still wearing kneepads. Like a toddler. Which is apparently what he is.

Yes, it turns out that Corey is just a great big deluded toddler. After his professional partner wouldn’t bow down to his greater skating wisdom he threw a massive strop and stormed off of the ice. Or just kind of wobbled off of it slowly. It was up to Chemmy to calm him down, which she did very nicely.

And then she shat all over him and got immunity.

Unable to summon up any such drama were Heidi and Charlene, who have both been in the skateoff and are therefore equally, unremarkably god-awful. Still the judges were forced to choose between them, so they gave immunity to Heidi because she’s got better hair. Maybe.

Jorgie and Matt, meanwhile, are both stupidly ridiculously good and so everyone was very excited about their duel. Jorgie had a lift that makes her dizzy and a bit vomitous. Matthew had ruined his back and dropped his partner. It was all INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC.

Then we saw their outfits. Matt had been put in something silver and shiny, and Jorgie was in a spanglebra and leggings. Who cares about skating when you’ve got people dressed like that?! The judges do, apparently. As they chose to give the sacred immunity to Matt, just because they had to give it to someone.

And then there was an anti-climax.

The producers had forgotten about Andy and Rosemary so had to just tack them on the end and hope that everyone hadn’t already switched off. Rosemary hadn’t got through a routine cleanly, but apparently she changed her attitude this week and that helped and now she is better at not falling down. So the judges gave her immunity, leaving six of the celebs facing the public vote.

In the skate-off, the public proved that they don’t like Americans who were famous in the 80s and have names beginning with the letter C, and so left Corey and Charlene in the bottom two. Somewhat inevitably, Corey barely managed to stay upright and got booted off. Which he apparently took VERY SERIOUSLY.

And so, we have lost deluded Corey and his stupid hair but that’s OK, because we’ve still got 11 other bland celebrities to will serious injury and deep humiliation on. We just need to hope that next time they duel, the producers let them have swords. Please, please, give the cretins swords.

This week’s Dancing on Ice was apparently Movie Week. Really, it was just dodgier outfits than usual, a few rubbish puns and some nicely manufactured drama. There were injuries! There were dangerous lifts! And there was Heidi Sugababe’s golden vadge! Her terrifying, terrifying golden ladybits.

Before old Bigface Sugababe assaulted our eyes with her genitals though, the rest of the skaters were subjected to injury and actual sexual assault. Like Jennifer Ellison, who has ruined her ribs, apparently. Which was INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC and caused her to change her routine at the last moment and look like she was about to die when she came off the ice.

We did not feel the required amount of sympathy. Although that’s maybe because we have no soul.

Trying to nab herself some non-existent sympathy was Charlene, who gatecrashed Jennifer’s ruined ribs party. She forgot to do the requisite crying and looking upset, but she did dress up as Marilyn Monroe. Which was frankly terrifying.

But not as terrifying as what happened to Rosemary Conley. Poor, sweet old Rosemary Conley. Her partner grabbed her by the ladybits and hoiked her onto his shoulder, which looked both uncomfortable and wrong. It was a bit like watching someone molest your gran. But with added lycra, and some extra sequins.

It wasn’t just the old who were being interfered with on live TV though. Jorgie Porter also found herself being touched inappropriately when she was made to do a “sit lift”. Which involved her quite literally sitting on her partner’s hand as he held her above his head and kept a tight grip on her pants. At least, he said it was her pants. We didn’t want to think about it too hard.

Whatever was going on in Jorgie’s pants clearly worked, as she found herself top of the leader board and pitched against the previous week’s skating master Matt. Who is more about actual assault than sexual assault; he dropped his partner AND crushed her in rehearsal. Which clearly scared the judges enough to make sure they gave him the same score as Jorgie. Which was just bloody boring of them, really.

Person least likely to assault anyone meanwhile was Sebastian, who needed to be reminded that he even had a partner at all. He and Brianne had been working all week to remember to be good with each other, which sort of kind of worked. A bit. Apparently Sebastian’s “style” was cocking things up a bit. Whatever his “style” is.

Down at the other end of the leaderboard, ITV was rubbing salt in the wounds of Corey Feldman’s failed career by making him skate to a song from his own movie, Stand by Me. He responded by announcing himself to be a great dancer. His only evidence seemed to be that he was friends with Michael Jackson. Clearly Michael was already heavily sedated when he told Corey that he was a great dancer though, because Corey was dismal. Really, really dismal.

A bit like Mark of Sam and Mark. According to partner Frankie he’s improved, but she doesn’t have a surname and does have an annoying face, so we chose to ignore her. They spent as much of their routine as possible off of the ice and then were the happiest anyone has ever been to make it into double figures. It’s good to know they’ve got low standards.

The other half of Sam and Mark, meanwhile, was trying his absolute best to kill his partner with a backflip. On live TV. He’d been cocking it up all week and throwing her off in seemingly random directions, but he annoyingly managed not to throw her onto her head in front of the entire nation. He did do some really embarrassing kung-fu dancing though. The poor bastard.

Also struggling with a move was Chemmy, who was scared of a lift. What she should’ve been scared of though, was the wrath of God. Because Chemmy started off dressed as a nun, and then did some stripping. The two of them couldn’t get it up though. The lift, that is. Because God didn’t want them to. Then Katarina Witt told Chemmy that she was a Big Woman, because Chemmy had insulted God, and so God told Katarina to call her fat.

It wasn’t just Chemmy’s costume that was playing silly buggers though. Chico got stuck trying to be romantic and passionate in that most romantic of outfits, the boilersuit. Andy got his hand stuck in his ridiculous Grease wig. And Heidi. Oh dear God. Heidi.

After horrifying us with shots of her golden catsuit throughout the show, Heidi appeared as the final skater. Because she wanted to maximise the amount of time she could horrify us for. Apparently the catsuit was part of her attempt to “sexify” a Bond theme. We definitely became very well acquainted with her anatomy, but it was more traumatic than sexy.

Still, somebody somewhere clearly liked it, because after being unceremoniously dumped into the skate off in the first week, she made it through. As did everyone except for Charlene and Mark, who were forced to skate again.

It turned out that Mark’s “improvement” wasn’t enough, and he got sent home, leaving poor Sam alone. Hopefully he’ll realise that life is actually better without Mark, thus leading to the end of Sam and Mark as any kind of televisual unit and making the world a far, far better place. We’ll be voting to keep him in. Because a world without Sam and Mark is something we’ll never stop hoping for.

Eighties child-star Corey Feldman has revealed his plans to release a tell-all book naming and shaming two Hollywood pervs.

The-famous-Corey-that-isn’t-dead made similar allegations last August that he was targeted by predatory men from age 14. However, rather than take these claims to the police, he seems to have walked passed the station, right to a publisher.

This is Hollywood after all.

He seh:

“Even today people say about me, ‘Eighties heartthrob; hasn’t done anything since.’ The truth is I haven’t stopped. Last year I did four films.

“Corey and I were pegged as the scapegoats…

“People need to know the reason Corey and I were swept under the carpet like the beaten dogs that were sent to the pound so no one had to deal with us anymore.”

Now, there’s no telling what Alive Corey is talking about specifically. Predatory perverts, in Hollywood?! Next you’ll be telling us that those weren’t yoghurt stains on that big comfy sofa in our agent’s soundproofed, airless office.

Disclaimer: allegations of abuse of any kind are a serious matter. However, there are better ways to shop perps (yes, we said perps) than in a tell-all book. There are entire institutions and agencies dedicated to this sort of thing.

And to hang your dead-in-the-water career on it, well, hate to tell you this Corey, but your rollercoaster ride with heroin and weight-gain may have contributed to that a little.

Considering Feldman was one of Michael Jackson’s biggest champions (despite admitting the singer once showed him a book containing photos of diseased genitals), we’re all quite interested to see who he is going to name and shame.

Bonus point: The video back from August 2011

Hollywood! A land made of cocaine, casting couches and boob jobs! And people think it has problems! It’s clearly a wonderful, wonderful place where dreams are shat on every second of every stinking day!

However, away from this glamour and generally fabulousness lies a stinking overcoat of a problem and thank god that Corey Feldman is here to tell us exactly what that is.

The only thing wrong with Tinseltown is paedophilia. That’s right. It’s a rampant problem throughout Hollywood. He should know because he had a lovely arse as a boy.

The child star (now a forty four year old child) says that paedophiles are like “vultures” within the industry, presumably referring to their hooked beaks and plumage.

He told Nightline:

“The number one problem in Hollywood was, is and always will be pedophilia. It’s all done under the radar… But it’s the big secret.”

The Lost Boys star, who was much more attractive as a youth than his piss cloth of a face is now, said that he was “literally surrounded” at the age of 14 (literally – for a whole year of his life), but was unware of this “until I was much older what they were and what they wanted.”

Feldman also blamed the death of The Other Corey – Haim – in 2010, on the abuse he was on the end of at the hands of one mogul he refused to name, saying:

“There was a circle of older men that surrounded themselves around this group of kids. They all had either their own power, or connections to great power in the entertainment industry.

“There’s a lot of good people in this industry, but there’s also a lot of really, really sick, corrupt people in this industry. There are people… who have gotten away with [being a kid fid] for so long that they feel that they’re above the law. And that’s gotta change. That’s gotta stop.”

We assume that he’s on his way to the police as we speak then. Right? He’s going to take one for the team and make a documentary about it all and blow their cover, right?

Corey Feldman there. Michael Jackson’s old buddy.

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Do we really need to see a grown man truffle shuffle?

That’s the question that has been buzzing around in our heads for the past few hours after news that there’s a distinct chance that the Goonies 2 film, rumoured for so very long, is actually in the early stages of real, bona-fide production.

And if the sources are to be believed, this isn’t a case of The Lost Boys 2: Straight To DVD And Missing The Point Of The First Completely – this is something Warner Brothers want to actually try and get right.

So how do we feel about that? Well, I would say we have mixed emotions.

See, everyone remembers The Goonies – it’s one of those films that everyone claims as their own, or that everyone claims defined their childhood in some way.

Kind of like Stand By Me, but with less River Phoenix. It just had a huge effect on so many young lives, older lives, middling lives and lives that came about later on – it’s a timeless classic. We’ll admit to that. We will – see? We just did it.

The fact that there have been rumours floating about regarding the possibility of a Goonies sequel for so long is sure to get anyone’s hackles up and turn them into the defensive wall of fury, angrily denying that anything will come about from any of this.

And we would never take that away from you – please feel free to shout, scream and generally be twits in the comments section below.

But when you pick up on news that says Warner Brothers are pushing the sequel as a big-budget blockbuster (and remember, this is the studio that released The Dark Knight, officially the best film ever), you start to take notice.

In fact, a source close to the project has told Moviehole that a team of writers are already working on a script and that some of the actors from the original film will be involved.

So how do we feel about the real prospect of a Goonie sequel? Well, taking such a cherished childhood memory and giving it a massive makeover, bringing the sequel to a whole new audience and churning millions of dollars into it could just result in this situation: you sit in the cinema, the film starts, it’s one and a half hours comprising of nothing but a turd staring back at you, steaming away on screen and stinking up the theatre.

You cry.

Your heart is broken.

Your childhood is ruined.

You lose all respect for Corey Feldman… wait – is that possible?

Nevertheless, hecklerspray awaits with baited breath for any further news on the matter.

When the movie does eventually come about we’ll be sure to decry it, lambast it and generally rip on it. Because let’s be honest here – we want it to be good, but there’s little chance The Goonies 2 will be anything more than fecal matter on a stick.