What springs to mind when somebody says “duel”? People flouncing about with swords, trying to kill each other? Yes? Well, forget about that. Because this week, Dancing on Ice brought us the least threatening duels of all time.
There were no swords. There was no serious injury. There were just two celebrities on the ice at the same time, skating one after the other, and wearing vaguely coordinated outfits.
And the prize for winning the duel? Did they get to use their skating blades to hack their rival’s costume to pieces? Or to inflict some dramatic but non-lethal wounds upon them? Or steal their partner? Or do anything? Anything at all?
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This week’s Dancing on Ice was apparently Movie Week. Really, it was just dodgier outfits than usual, a few rubbish puns and some nicely manufactured drama. There were injuries! There were dangerous lifts! And there was Heidi Sugababe’s golden vadge! Her terrifying, terrifying golden ladybits.
Before old Bigface Sugababe assaulted our eyes with her genitals though, the rest of the skaters were subjected to injury and actual sexual assault. Like Jennifer Ellison, who has ruined her ribs, apparently. Which was INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC and caused her to change her routine at the last moment and look like she was about to die when she came off the ice.
We did not feel the required amount of sympathy. Although that’s maybe because we have no soul.
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Eighties child-star Corey Feldman has revealed his plans to release a tell-all book naming and shaming two Hollywood pervs.
The-famous-Corey-that-isn’t-dead made similar allegations last August that he was targeted by predatory men from age 14. However, rather than take these claims to the police, he seems to have walked passed the station, right to a publisher.
This is Hollywood after all.
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Hollywood! A land made of cocaine, casting couches and boob jobs! And people think it has problems! It’s clearly a wonderful, wonderful place where dreams are shat on every second of every stinking day!
However, away from this glamour and generally fabulousness lies a stinking overcoat of a problem and thank god that Corey Feldman is here to tell us exactly what that is.
The only thing wrong with Tinseltown is paedophilia. That’s right. It’s a rampant problem throughout Hollywood. He should know because he had a lovely arse as a boy.
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Do we really need to see a grown man truffle shuffle?
That’s the question that has been buzzing around in our heads for the past few hours after news that there’s a distinct chance that the Goonies 2 film, rumoured for so very long, is actually in the early stages of real, bona-fide production.
And if the sources are to be believed, this isn’t a case of The Lost Boys 2: Straight To DVD And Missing The Point Of The First Completely – this is something Warner Brothers want to actually try and get right.
So how do we feel about that? Well, I would say we have mixed emotions.
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