But Coolio is his own man. And that’s why he’s chosen a third way – being charged with crack possession and battery after allegedly being caught with quantities of the drug at LAX.

We’re surprised too. Who’d have thought that Coolio – the objectionable bulgy-eyed hasbeen rapper who can’t buy hats without thinking “I know, I’ll chop a bloody great hole in this hat so that my hair sticks out the top like a SODDING PINEAPPLE” – would be involved with crack? For shame.

Celebrity Big Brother can do funny things to a person. If you’re Claire Sweeney it can help to launch a short-lived career as a musical star before you’re forced to do adverts for Dulux inbetween Dancing On Ice segments. If you’re Les Dennis it can lead you to have a full-blown nervous breakdown on live television. And if you’re us then it can make you genuinely dream about quitting your job to become a travelling carpet salesman.

But Coolio? Coolio seems to have got it right. After spending three weeks in the Big Brother house shouting bizarrely offensive non-sequiturs at a booby dullard until she cried, Coolio appears to have done what many of us would do if put into the same situation. That is to say, it looks like Coolio might have picked up something of a crack habit.

He might not have done, of course. There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for Coolio being arrested for allegedly having quantities of crack and a crack pipe in his luggage at an airport, and then going a bit mental and battering someone. Like, maybe he was making an informative children’s documentary called Coolio Shows The Kids What Drugs Look Like And The Correct Way To Use Them But Then Explains Why They Probably Shouldn’t Afterwards. Or something. We’re not experts.

Anyway, Coolio’s just been charged with all that stuff, anyway. MTV reports:

Rapper Coolio, was charged with possession of crack cocaine and battery on Tuesday (March 10), following his arrest on Friday after an alleged incident at the Los Angeles International Airport. According to a press release, Coolio, 45, was arrested at LAX after “authorities searched his luggage and allegedly found cocaine. At one point, [Coolio] allegedly grabbed a screener’s arm to prevent the search.”

Coolio is due in court early next month. If convicted he faces three years in jail. Not that it’ll be a bad thing for him, of course – in many ways, jail is a lot like the Celebrity Big Brother house, with the added bonuses that a) nobody really minds if you stab someone in the ribs, and b) Tommy Titting Sheridan won’t be in there.

Of course, there’s every chance that Coolio won’t be convicted of his charges and will escape jail. Fingers crossed that it doesn’t come to that, though, because jails have hot food and shelter and Coolio hasn’t really been famous for about 15 years so he’s probably forgotten what either of those things are like.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And that leaves just one question – will anyone actually notice when it’s finished? Oh, and one slightly less important question – who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother. Left are Ben, Coolio, LaToya, Terry, Tommy, Ulrika and Verne and, as sad as it makes us, one of them has to win it.

So the rest of the week will be spent evaluating the chances of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates, starting today with Ben Adams, Coolio and LaToya Jackson…

Ben Adams – We can’t make this any clearer than we already have. Ben Adams must not win Celebrity Big Brother. He just mustn’t. Not only has the one thing that kept him fractionally interesting – his weird semi-flirtation with the Liberty X dimwit – come to an end, but just imagine if he won Celebrity Big Brother. Imagine it. What would his inevitable autobiography look like? We’ll tell you what – it’d be a crayon drawing of his hair and then 350 blank pages. if Ben Adams was any more boring, he’d actually vanish. Just like the other three members of A1. Don’t vote for Ben Adams, please. We’re being serious here.

Coolio – One of the most bewildering things about this series of Celebrity Big Brother – other than the fact that people still apparently watch it – is that Coolio was never placed up for eviction despite being almost universally loathed by his fellow housemates. And because of this, it’s difficult to gauge the public’s reaction to him. Do they hate Coolio? Have they taken him to their hearts for the way he kept making Michelle Heaton cry all the time? Are they all going to start cutting slits in the top of their hats to let their silly haircuts through? We’ll find out on Friday. Unless we go out. We’ll probably go out.

LaToya Jackson – LaToya Jackson probably won’t win Celebrity Big Brother, based on the sole fact that she hasn’t actually done anything. But in true Jackson tradition we’re sure she’ll end up doing well. Admittedly, LaToya hasn’t faced the weird racist barrage that her brother Jermaine was put through on the show two years ago but, nevertheless, her escapades with the chillis this week should have made her a fan favourite. Now, whenever anyone starts crying and chanting “It doesn’t hurt” to themselves like an idiot for any reason, they’re bound to think of LaToya Jackson. Truly that is her gift to the world.

Tomorrow: The Celebrity Big Brother chances of Terry Christian and Tommy Sheridan.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

On Friday Tina was evicted and Mutya walked out, and then yesterday a surprise eviction took place, with Michelle Heaton getting the chop. So that’s the last of her crying we’ll hear, except for in every single magazine we’ll read for the next 18 months. Joy.

But where does this leave the other housemates? Here’s our Celebrity Big Brother look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – We don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t bet against Terry Christian coming second in this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. He’s funny, he’s open-minded, he’s everyone’s friend and he’s got a nice line in neat self-deprecation. In fact, we’d probably say that Terry was a contender to win Celebrity Big Brother, or at least he would be if he was a horny shitfaced munchkin. But he’s not, so second-place it is. Anyway, Terry has spent the last few days hinting at the fact that Celebrity Big Brother is ‘a breeze’ compared to the stresses he’s suffered over the last six months in the outside world. We don’t know what these stresses are, but if they’re worse than being trapped in a mirror-filled box with the shit one from Liberty X, he has our deepest sympathies.

Tommy Sheridan – We’re thinking about starting a campaign to get Tommy Sheridan voted in as prime minister once Celebrity Big Brother finishes. Who better to fight away the credit crunch than a burly, balding man in the middle of a painfully awkward mid-life crisis who gets his chest out at the drop of a hat, is hopeless at just about everything he’s asked to do and isn’t averse to standing around in bathrooms doing weights in his pants? Nobody, that’s who. We want Tommy Sheridan to win Celebrity Big Brother, and then we want him to become our dad. Our estranged dad, obviously. Because, come on, he’s clearly a cock.

Ulrika Jonsson – Two thirds of the way through Celebrity Big Brother and we’re still completely unable to work out what the show will do for Ulrika Jonsson’s reputation. Onscreen she comes off as decent enough – forthright about her past mistakes when she needs to be and quick to jump to the defence of others when she feels they’re being slighted – but she’s always being nominated for eviction. Why is this? Is she an arsehole when we’re not looking? Are we missing something? Either way, we hope that Ulrika comes out of Celebrity Big Brother better off than she went in. Because, seriously, if she’s reduced to making another one of those documentaries about how she’s a sex addict, we’re probably going to vomit.

Verne Troyer – Look, let’s just do the decent thing and end Celebrity Big Brother now, shall we? Verne Troyer is obviously going to win. He was obviously going to win from the moment he entered the house – thanks to the weird mixture of pity and flat-out hilarity he inspires in people – but after this week’s drunkenness, it’s pretty much a done deal. If you missed it, Verne brazenly chatted up LaToya Jackson, told Ben Adams that he liked his eyebrows and then smashed into the Diary Room door with his mobility scooter as fast as he possibly could. If that’s not a textbook way to win a reality TV show, we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Tomorrow: More Celebrity Big Brother nonsense than you can stand. Which, we suspect, isn’t a lot.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.

But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…

Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we’re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we’re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don’t know.

Coolio – This year’s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show’s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He’s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody’s one-armed lesbian mother, and he’s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that’s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio’s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.

LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won’t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she’s done arse-all else.

Michelle Heaton – OK, we’ll come out and say it. We don’t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That’s not to say that we think she’s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she’ll become so dehydrated that the only way she’ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that’s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.

Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.

Oh alright, the Celebrity Big Brother house hasn’t changed in the slightest since Lucy Pinder was evicted on Friday, mainly because the poor girl had all the charisma of a pebble. Honestly, we started hitting the side of our TV during Lucy’s eviction interview because we thought her weird droning voice was some sort of manufacturer’s defect.

But anyway, now that Lucy Pinder is gone, how are the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates holding up? Here’s our week two look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson, Michelle Heaton and Mutya…

Ben Adams – All boyband members fulfill different roles – typically there’s a rough one, a gay one, one who can actually sing etc – and judging by Ben Adam’s time in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far, we’d guess that he probably wasn’t A1’s interesting one. As personable as he appears to be, there’s no mistaking the fact that Ben’s sole contribution to Celebrity Big Brother so far has been a slightly meandering anecdote about a girl he met who ordered some quite expensive things at a restaurant once. Fact – if Ben Adams leaves Celebrity Big Brother, nobody will notice he’s gone.

Coolio – Without question, Coolio has become Celebrity Big Brother’s most polarising figure, splitting the house into those who can’t stand the sight of him and those who really can’t stand the sight of him. Make no mistake, Coolio’s a dead cert to run away with the next round of eviction nominations, and then it’ll fall to the public to judge how popular he is. But Coolio can’t be all bad, can he? After all, he manage to bully Lucy Pinder into showing a flicker of emotion, and we’ve heard that’s pretty much impossible.

LaToya Jackson – Anyone hoping that LaToya Jackson would be identical to her silent, even-handed brother Jermaine in the Celebrity Big Brother house must be a little disappointed. It turns out that LaToya is a strange mixture of the manipulative, the conniving and the relentlessly downbeat – as evidenced by the weird naive little girl act she pulls whenever she wants something and all her whiny backstabbing to Coolio. At the moment, LaToya Jackson is easily the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother contestant – something that’ll come back to haunt the other housemates when she stabs one of them to death in the sleep while cackling like a maniac. It’ll happen, kids.

Michelle Heaton - And if LaToya Jackson is the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother housemate, then Michelle Heaton is easily the most overestimated. We all assumed that she’d be all paranoid and spiteful and attention-seeking, but she’s not. She’s not anything. When God was handing out personalities, he accidentally gave Michelle Heaton a vast bottomless quarry that nothing could ever escape from. Still, at least she’s got a pseudo-romance with Ben Adams going on, and that’s nice to watch because it’s clear that Ben is Michelle’s intellectual equal. Admittedly, most teacups are Michelle’s intellectual equal too, but have you ever tried having sex with a teacup? It’s really bloody hard.

Mutya – We’ll admit that we had Mutya all wrong. We were expecting a snarling, punchy ghetto girl prone to surliness and tantrums, but we haven’t seen that side of Mutya at all in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far. In fact, she’s been sort of nice. So maybe it wasn’t her who started all the fights in the Sugababes after all. It was Heidi! Let’s all go and burn her house down instead! But back to Celebrity Big Brother – Mutya’s got the inoffensive-and-quiet third place spot locked down. Mark our words.

Tomorrow: Our Celebrity Big Brother look at Tina Malone, Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer.

But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Teachers taught you how to make bread, confusing because we thought bread came from a cow or some other zoo animal as it was always on the shelf at the supermarket. Why bother slaving away for a few hours in the kitchen when you could buy it in a few minutes?

Only since leaving education has hecklerspray felt inspired to widen our culinary skills to more than cheese on toasts, Super Noodles and kebabs. Inspirational chefs like Gordon Ramsay and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall always tell us anyone can cook and this really has been proven. Second rate rapper Coolio now has his own cookery show which just seems to be something from a sketch show.

If you think of cooking, gangsta rappers aren’t the first thing to come to mind. In terms of diet, a few pieces of fried chicken and bottles of champagne seems to keep them happy. We guess we’re wrong, as Coolio wants to show you how to make a salad.

It works in two ways, you can either chow down this tasty treat, or shove the salad leaves into your ears when you listen to one of his records.

Sometimes cookery shows are a bit dull. Nothing ever seems to catch fire or fall on the floor, only for people like Delia Smith to quickly pick up and put in the pan. Coolio is brimming with shit ideas, random female sidekicks and a bloke that seems to repeat everything he says. It makes for fantastic viewing, especially these lines:

“It tastes better then your mama.” “I’m gonna teach your ass to cook.” “I’m gonna teach you to make something that’ll get the panties right off.”

Honestly, if you can get through watching an episode without laughing then we salute you. We await the spin off merchandise that is sure to include a 72-piece knife set.

With Coolio getting down and dirty in the kitchen, hecklerspray awaits Dr Dre’s guide to knitting the perfect cardigan and Vanilla Ice’s guide to the perfect marriage.