These are dark times for that there internet. As the vultures circle around the rotting carcass of the World Wide Web, we disembark our safe harbour to take a tour round the Cape of Good Tumblr. This is The Tumblr Trawler…

Naturally, we’re assuming that some of you have never even seen a Tumblr, let alone know all about the intricate system of interactions and the thought processes which go into making one. Therefore, we make no apologies if you’ve heard of one of these before or even bought their god damn book. Okay?

5. We’ll start this week’s count down with kittens because, if there’s one thing we learned from doing Webthump for all these years, it’s that you lot bloody love a good kitten. So why not take a look at some kittens taking their place in famous album covers. Highlights include ‘Kittenage Fanclub‘, ‘Johnny Cat‘ & ‘Catwerk‘. See them all at The Kitten Covers.

4. We all have family members that we don’t speak to very much because they were clearly dropped on their head as a child but what would happen if you were keeping a note of every text you ever received from them so that you could put it on tumblr. Some might say that you would be a bad person but the person behind Texts from Bennett would probably disagree.

3. At hecklerspray, we have such a high level of job satisfaction that we like nothing more than flicking through page after page of people complaining about their terrible working conditions. Luckily for us (and for you) there’s Please Fire Me. It’s like Post Secret in that people can anonymously tell the site what they hate about their job without fear of getting fired. These are tough economic times and if you have to keep your job despite your co-workers being idiots then look no further. This tumblr’s for you!

2. Are you trying online dating? Finding that it isn’t for you? Have you run into one of these people who are getting it so wrong that it’s not really terribly funny any more? Well, why not have a flick through Messages From Match and see if you don’t appreciate the next person who asks to see a photo of your genitals just that little bit more.

1. This week’s number one was a shoo-in as soon as we saw it. Yr Wifi needs no more introduction than to say it’s a list of amusing, stupid or down-right insulting names for Wifi Hotspots. Read on and be ashamed of your standardised router. Highlights include ‘Pretty Fly for a Wifi‘, ‘I Still Miss Phil Hartman‘ & the frankly brilliant ‘Wu Tang LAN’

Yes folks, it’s not a festive edition of The Tumblr Trawler and let us tell you why not; Christmas is rubbish. It’s especially rubbish when it comes to memes. Still, here’s this week’s trawl through the briney depths.

5. Replace Face: Want to see what Jason Statham, Danny Trejo & Donald Trump would look like as Russian Generals? Well, we would like to draw your attention to Replace Face.

4. OMG CATS IN SPACE: Is this really, really worth clicking on? We know you like cats and everything but do you really, really want to see a load of cats out in the blackness of space? OF COURSE YOU DO!

3. Feminist Ryan Gosling: Ryan Gosling’s a good feminist guy and wants you to know it. He’s been putting up pictures of himself quoting feminist theory. Oh… what? It’s not actually him? Where’s the appeal then?

2. Barack Obama <3s Gary Busey: Seriously, the most powerful man in the world just can’t go anywhere without his good friend Barack Obama trying to tag along.

1. Nick Clegg Looking Sad: There’s nothing we like to see more at Christmas time than an ineffectual politician with no backbone or discernable policies looking like someone’s just kicked his cat. Here are some images of Nick Clegg having an absolutely awful time. Good.

Yes, that’s right folks. While we work on sprucing up Hecklerspray so that your children and your children’s children (seriously though, never have children) can enjoy it, here’s another trawl through the world of Tumblr.

5. Remember the casually pepper-spraying cop from Occupy? Well @badgerarc found a tumblr take on the man himself. Be warned. This is really funny.

4. That man @CheShA sent us this terrifying look into the chins of the rich and the famous. This is Moustair.

3. Our very own @KrisWould has CaptchArt which uses those weird phrases that Captchas throw up to create hilarious (and not so hilarious) pieces of art.

2. It’s a classic piece of internet heritage but the formidable @Scribbles78 reminded us of the Bublé Raptor and we couldn’t pass it up. We’re too scared to.

1. We love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles & to see them put on noses? That’s pretty much the best thing on earth ever. So thanks to @abitof for that.

10. Not content with being a famous actor/musician/turkey-peddler Martin Kemp has taken to inventing emoticons. Is there no end to this man’s talents?!

9. Hallowe’en’s coming so here’s a gentleman teaching you how to TEAR YOUR GOD DAMNED EYE OUT!! Or at least make it look like you did.

8. No internet round up would be complete without something to do with a CAT now, would it?

7. “Let’s fly the kids out to be with their parents in a war zone!” “But that’s a terrible idea!” “It wasn’t me, it was the work experience kid.” Oh…

6. Invented Time Travel: What have you ever done?

5. Sexism’s cool, right? That must be why this story’s on the Newsbeat page.

4. Just what in the name of blue balls is flarf poetry? It hardly matters. Or maybe this interview by Ruth Tolerton with poet Spencer Madsen will explain. MAYBE.

3. It’s almost Hallowe’en so of course you want to go as a… wait… a “sexy” Wolverine? Riggggghhhhht.

2. Herman Cain, nefarious Presidential candidate has a campaign video that’s just bound to go viral. It’s Block Being Block.

1. A whole range of Star Wars ice-cube trays? Well… if you insist.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Suited or Booted?

Folded

• R.I.P. Steve Jobs – There’s nothing wrong with being snarky but let’s remember this sort of thing.
• US Network Drama – Or rather, why it’s rubbish.
• Movie Posters - If they told the truth, this is probably what they’d say.
• When Bad Films Happen To Good Actors – There’s not a lot of arguing with Shortlist’s exhaustive list.
• Kismot Killer Curry – A curry that hospitalises the people who eat it? Where do we sign up?

Creased

• Celebrity Reporters Are Like Political Correspondents – Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh… wait a minute.
• Movie Stars Are Vampires?! – No, they’re not. Especially not John Travolta. He’s an alien. D’uh.
• If Walls Could Talk – If you’ve got a Smeg fridge, an Aga and a middle class superiority complex then this show is for you. Although hearing Lucy Worsley say ‘wrought’ and ‘proliferation’ is worth the license fee alone.
• Steampunk – Ruined by Wild Wild West & the impending release of The Three Musketeers, you can buy these Star Wars interpretations. If you want. No pressure.
• The Human Centipede II – It’s a video nasty! No, it’s not.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Airports make people tetchy, which explains Bjork’s Thailand tantrum, Elton John’s Taiwan tantrum and the inexplicable existence of Jeremy Spake.

It also explains Kanye West‘s ridiculous little outburst at the paparazzi in LAX yesterday, where he pulled his hood up over his head, swung his arms about like a girl and got arrested on suspicion of vandalism and battery as a result. But now that the heat of the moment has passed, Kanye West thinks that people might have got the wrong impression of him.

Yes, he might have apparently smashed up a photographer’s camera, but that didn’t stop Kanye West from leaping onto his blog this morning and telling the world that actually “I’m cool with the paparazzi.” But did Kanye West himself really write that? Doubtful – the 21-word post only contained four exclamation marks. Kanye’s average exclamation mark tally for a post that size is roughly seven hundred million billion. We smell a rat.

A strange thing happened at the MTV VMAs on Sunday. Kanye West turned up and didn’t endlessly bitch about not winning everything. It was strange to witness – usually Kanye West throwing his toys out of the pram is as traditional a VMA sight as a pack of disgruntled virgins. Maybe, we thought, Kanye West had come to terms with the matter and found peace in himself.

We were wrong. Instead, Kanye West did what all graceful losers do and let the bad feelings systematically build up inside him, turning from a niggle to a grump, and from a grump to a strop, and from a strop to a rage, and from a rage to an alleged completely illegal camera-smashing meltdown in an airport. It’s happened to us all.

And that’s how Kanye West got arrested yesterday, more or less. And, given that he was filmed apparently destroying $10,000 of camera equipment and that the entire internet seems to have independently come to the logical conclusion that Kanye West is a turnip who can’t fight very well, we thought we knew what was coming next.

A bloggy rant. You see, when Kanye West is faced with any criticism at all he hops on his blog, bashes out some angry screed, tapes down the Shift and 1 keys on his laptop, goes off for half an hour, comes back and publishes whatever’s on the screen. It’s why, after he was eight hours late for a festival slot recently, Kanye West wrote the following on his blog:

PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore logic dictates that, since actually getting arrested on suspicion of something you’ve been filmed doing is probably a bit worse than getting some hippies miffed, Kanye West’s first blog post on the matter would just be made up of larger and larger exclamation marks culminating in one angry red exclamation mark the size of a bus. But no. Blogging this morning, Kanye West actually wrote this:

We back in the lab!!! I’m cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn’t cool. I gotta work now… I’ll rant later!

So that’s that. Despite all the visual evidence to the contrary, Kanye West actually likes the paparazzi. That’s good to know, because we hear that whenever the paparazzi don’t like someone, they all gang up together and follow them around flashing lights in their faces and making it hard for them to see where they’re going.

That won’t happen to Kanye West, though, because he likes the paparazzi and the paparazzi likes him straight back. Incidentally, Kanye West’s about to go on a special tour of gratitude around all the professions that he’s cool with, where he plans to kick ladders out from under window cleaners, fill all the lifeguards’ buoancy aids up with cement and punch anyone who works at an orphanage square in the face.

Allegedly.

The human equivalent of celery, aka eunuch pop star James Blunt, has been pissing and moaning about how hard his life is again.

The You're Beautiful singer says those who run his profession are obsessed with what is "cool", and couldn't care less about creativity.

And you do, Jamesy boy? You care about creativity, do you? Well why not do something about it then? Cut out your larynx and chop off your arms for God’s sake. And, to be honest, the industry can’t be that concerned with what’s "cool", otherwise you would still be getting severe yet justified beatings in the army barracks instead of winging about wise men on a beach with hardons.

You’ve got to understand something, Blunt: life is not fair. Do you really think we want to inflict our ears with your no bollocked voice gibberings? Do you? No. We certainly don’t. But we learn to live with it. Just like we have learned to live in a world with Coldplay and David Cameron. We deal with it. Somehow. We find that alcohol helps. Have a large gin Bacardi Breezer and chill out.

Blunt philosophized further:

"There are greater things in life than being rich and famous. I never set out to be rich and famous, I set out to be happy. I am still looking for the answer to questions like marriage."

That’s deep, man. That is deep. But why not ask yourself further questions, such as “What’s the point of me?” and “Why am I still alive?” Hecklerspray has been trying to figure out these conundrums since the horrible release of your first single.

In the hope of some sort of clarity hecklerspray put forth both of these questions to the respective brilliant minds of Richard Dawkins and Noam Chomsky. If anybody can solve it, it’s Dawkins and Chomsky.

Dawkins decided that the existence of James Blunt was further evidence to suggest that there is indeed no God and would be deleting most of the words in any future editions of The God Delusion and replacing them with pictures of Blunt’s stupid little face.

Chomsky fell to the ground, curled up in the fetal position, stuck his thumb in his mouth and began emitting a high pitched wail not dissimilar to the singing voice of Blunt himself.

Actions really do speak louder than words, readers. So, let us all go forth into our mother's bedrooms, dig deep into the back of the closet, and smash all of their copies of James Blunt's disgusting albums with a massive hammer. They never really wanted them anyway. And if they say otherwise, it's a lie. You must muffle these false protests with an ether dipped cloth and continue with your good work. Do it for hecklerspray. Do it for your country. But, above all, do it for Chomsky.

This Chomsky needs you.

Read more: 

James Blunt's Music Moan – FemaleFirst