OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

Without a trace of uncertainty, we can definitely say that Iron Man was the best superhero movie of the summer, apart from that other one that everyone liked more. Definitely.

And because it was so successful, several new Iron Man movies are being lined up. There’s going to be Iron Man 2, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Terrence Howard, and that’s inevitably going to be followed up by Iron Man 3, where Don Cheadle will take the place of Gwyneth Paltrow, and then there’s going to be an Avengers movie, where Don Cheadle will take the place of the Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, all the villains, all the extras, the director, the rest of the crew and everyone who goes to see it at the cinema.

But one role that Don Cheadle won’t be getting his hands on is the role of Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr has locked that mother down for history, as Variety reports:

Robert Downey Jr. is living up to his title as Marvel Studios‘ Iron Man. In addition to starring in “Iron Man 2,” Downey has agreed to return as billionaire Tony Stark and his crime-fighting alter ego in “The Avengers” and a third “Iron Man” installment, guaranteeing the thesp a superhero-sized payday and his own ongoing franchise as part of a four-picture deal with the comicbook company.

That’s wonderful news. We genuinely thought that Iron Man was a good wedge of stupid summer fun, and that’s a trend that’s bound to continue in Iron Man 2.

Then, obviously, Iron Man 3 will be such a stinking bloated corpse of a shit idea that everyone will start actively hating the franchise, and that in turn will kick off a relapse of Robert Downey Jr’s well-chronicled substance abuse problems, meaning that all the footage of him in The Avengers will have to be taken from the first three Iron Man movies and/or Chaplin because he’ll be an uncontrollable mess by that point.

But, hey, something to look forward to.

Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don’t blame him – she’d scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That’s why Trump’s a millionaire – he thinks about the little things like that.

Ends up though that Mills isn’t welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the finale.

America likes to look at Heather Mills, but not for an entire season at a time. Watching her limp around everywhere she goes is enough to make a viewer’s own knees hurt, and that can only lead to a channel change.

On Celebrity Apprentice she would have been tolerable only so long as the competitive tasks included things like protecting baby seals with Paul McCartney’s jagged frozen corpse, and also getting a long drawn out divorce from that same dead body, or those same defended baby seals.

If the team competitions included things like that, Mills would soar to the finale on wings of the purest gold. That’s a metaphor for ‘with great ease.’ It was first made popular with the Mesopotamians, and later caught on well with the Roman culture.

But Donald Trump knows it would be foolish to give Mills such a tremendous advantage over the other contestants. No, she’d be on level playing ground with everyone else – and her chances of going home would be exactly the same as her competitors.

Perhaps that’s why when NBC approached her to be in the coming season, it was reported that she agreed only so long as she was guaranteed to be a finalist.

The Sun says:

“HEATHER MILLS lost a role in the US version of Celebrity Apprentice — after demanding a clause in her contract guaranteeing a place in the final. Mills…was lined up to take part in the reality TV hit…But producers at US network NBC got cold feet when she insisted she appear in the final regardless of her success in the show’s tasks. Producers refused, even though she headed the list of celebrities they wanted for the programme.”

We heard her contract also had a clause to provide her with love, life-long companionship and new leg made from sausage and pig tendons, but the NBC department that usually provides that kind of stuff is booked clean through ’til March.

We didn’t actually hear that.