That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.

Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.

While the British version of The Apprentice is holding up surprisingly well – largely because of its elegance and determination to stick to a winning formula – Donald Trump’s original Apprentice has been on life support for longer than we can remember.

And that’s probably because there are so many different versions of it. The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the bewilderingly thought-out tent-dwelling The Apprentice: LA and the soon-to-be-aired The Apprentice: Glovepuppets, Domestic Pets & Industrial Machinery Edition.

And then there’s Celebrity Apprentice, the show where nobody becomes an apprentice and there aren’t any celebrities. Last year saw the debut of Celebrity Apprentice, a nailbiter of a show which was ultimately won by… oh, who cares who won? It’s not like anybody actually watched the bloody thing, is it?

However, resigned to the fact that the only thing that can stop Donald Trump turfing over Scotland, constructing the world’s most eye-bleedingly tasteless bar in the middle of it and reopening it as an executive golf course for wankers is to let him jab his stumpy little fingers at a bunch of people who might have been slightly famous about 20 years ago, NBC has decided to bring back Celebrity Apprentice for a second season.

The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts in March, but that’s not what you want to know, is it? You want to know who’ll be taking part. So, just for you, here’s the full list of the 16 new Celebrity Apprentice contestants:

Clint Black: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Andrew Dice Clay: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Annie Duke: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tom Green: FAMOUS FOR – wanking off a horse.

Natalie Gulbis: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Scott Hamilton: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Jesse James: FAMOUS FOR – we think Cher might have sung a song about him once.

Claudia Jordan: FAMOUS FOR – being a box-monkey on Deal Or No Deal, which essentially makes her the American version of this turd.

Khloe Kardashian: FAMOUS FOR – being the sister of a woman who had it off with a man on the internet.

Brian McKnight: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Joan Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – swearing on live TV.

Melissa Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – being the only woman on Earth to look several decades older than her own mother.

Brande Roderick: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Dennis Rodman: FAMOUS FOR – being the most unresponsive person to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Herschel Walker: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins: FAMOUS FOR – being half of the members of TLC who aren’t dead.

There. You don’t even have to watch it now. Thank us later.

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And, as is normal for The Apprentice, the full line-up of candidates angling for a £100,00 job being Sir Alan Sugar's monkey-slave have been revealed. But what are this year's gang of Apprentice contestants actually like?

Well, one is a global pricing leader, one is an international car sales strategist, one is… oh, let's cut to the chase – all the Apprentice contestants will be hateful, ambitious, money-fixated, ladder-climbing arseholes who don't have the skills to match their endless tiresome self-promotion; the sort of people who you'd punch to death in a second if they came up to you and started trying to network. That probably covers them all. 

The Apprentice starts next week, and it finds itself in something of a rut. Although the last season of The Apprentice got some pretty incredible ratings, there's no escaping that a lot of it was pretty dull. Sell coffee, sell sweets, sell art, sell sausages – most of the show was just the exact same task over and over again, which hardly seems like a good way of testing people's versatility.

So that's something that The Apprentice had better start changing if it doesn't want to become a self-parody. A bigger problem, though, is the quality of candidates it needs to find. All the really good candidates applied in the first three years and now all that's left are rejects from previous selection processes and newcomers who just want to be on TV.

It's a fine balance that The Apprentice needs to walk – too far one way and you've got a dull show full of dull people, too far the other way and you've introduced so many new rules and punishments that you've got The Apprentice LA, which is probably the last thing that anyone at the BBC wants.

This season of The Apprentice needs memorable contestants like never before – they need people as unlikeable as Ruth Badger, as angry as Tre Azam and as borderline personality disorder-suffering as Katie Hopkins. Plus some of them totally need to be doing it.

So with that in mind, let's have a look at this year's gang of 16 Apprentice hopefuls – 15 of which will be fired with the remaining one being paid £100,000 a year to throw heaps of unsold Amstrad email phones into a flooded quarry or something:

Nicholas De Lacy Brown, 24 – twat.

Jennifer Celerier, 36 – brassy twat.

Jennifer Maguire, 27 – horsey twat.

Raef Bjayal, 27 – gigantic twat wanker.

Claire Young, 29 – hateful twat.

Lucinda Ledgerwood, 31 – Lucinda? Twat.

Kevin Shaw, 24 – friends with Jenson Button twat.

Simon Smith, 35 – recovering drug addict twat.

Helene Speight - gender-confused twat.

Sara Dhada, 25 – arsehole.

Michael Sophocles, 24 – bell-end.

Ian Stringer, 26 – fame-hungry bastard.

Shazia Wahab, 35 – turdhole.

Lee McQueen, 30 – moron.

Lindi Mngaza, 22 – dyslexic twat.

Alex Wotherspoon, 24 – accident-prone tit.

Those are their official Apprentice descriptions, too. We know, we thought they were a bit harsh as well.

Read more:

Meet This Year's Boardroom – Metro 

So you'll be pleased to hear that a new series of Dancing On Ice begins on Sunday – and where there's a new season of talenty reality shows there's a list of achingly unfamous personalities queueing up for their appearance fees. This year is no different, and the lucky competitors have just been announced. As usual, no expense has been spared getting the biggest names around, which means from Sunday Dancing On Ice viewers will be able to see the likes of Gareth Gates, Linda Lusardi, Samantha Mumba, one of Hear'Say, someone who used to be on Blue Peter and that girl whose knockers were groped by Prince Harry all skating for survival – and we've got some early Dancing On Ice betting odds, too.

Yes, we said Samantha Mumba. No, we didn't think she was still alive either.

What with X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing finishing at the end of last year, fans of moronic reality shows really haven't had anywhere to get their kicks – especially now that Big Brother's been stuck onto a channel we only watch slightly more than Discovery Civilisations. But don't worry, because Dancing On Ice is here to save the day.

Now that it's into its third year, Dancing On Ice feels like a comfortable old pair of slippers – we know that there'll be a raft of judges including one who'll get booed just for inhaling at the start of his criticism, we know that Phillip Schofield will present Dancing On Ice dressed up as the queen of Narnia alongside a grinning wooden carving of a painted Dutch girl, and we know that whichever celebrities signed up for the show will end up getting dropped hard on their face, ribs, coccyx and testicles several times over until they all cry like little girls while dressed in costumes precision-designed to make them feel utterly worthless.

Needless to say, Dancing On Ice is brilliant.

But who are this year's foolish, not really famous at all celebrity Dancing On Ice contestants? Well, here they are, along with some early Dancing On Ice betting odds for you…

Aggie Mackenzie – The How Clean Is Your House woman. Not the giant mannish one, the one that looks a little bit like a high-ranking SS officer. Aggie is old so she clearly won't win Dancing On Ice. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 25/1

Sarah Greene – Former presenter of 1980s TV shows like Blue Peter. That's literally it. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Steve Backley – He can throw a stick for a long distance, a discipline rendered obsolete by the advent of email. Steve is this year's David Seaman, which means he'll have seriously injured seven dance partners by the end of the show. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1

Linda Lusardi – Lovely booby 1980s topless model and star of Emmerdale. Linda won't win because she's already injured herself, but all the Dads will keep her on Dancing On Ice on the offchance she'll flash her knickers. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1

Michael Underwood – He might be a GMTV entertainment reporter or we might be be mixing him up with someone else. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1 

Natalie Pinkham – Prince Harry groped her boobs once and now she's famous. Maybe if we let Princess Michael Of Kent goose us in a Wetherspoons carpark we'll be allowed on, too. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 14/1

Greg Rusedski – A man fighting to win Dancing On Ice, desperate for a legacy that doesn't only involve not quite being as good at tennis as Tim Henman. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1 

Chris Fountain – Annoying smug former Hollyoaker. He already did that BBC1 singing show, and we hear he'd do a reality show about man-rape if you offered him enough money. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Tim Vincent – Another former Blue Peter presenter. Tim Vincent is basically the T-1000 to Sarah Greene's rusty old Arnie. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Samantha Mumba – Remember Samantha Mumba? Remember those songs she did and all her films? No, us neither. Oh well. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Suzanne Shaw – Used to be in Hear'Say, now a woman who professionally complains about what a twat Darren Day is. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Gareth Gates – The most famous competitor here even though he hasn't done anything for six whole years. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2

No doubt we'll be updating these Dancing On Ice betting odds before the season is out, but if you want to place an early bet, don't forget that you can always go to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page and make cash from the sight of some z-listers hurting themselves on TV.

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.

Although it's British incarnation is still going strong thanks to it being exactly the same week after week and year after year, the original American version of The Apprentice fell on its arse a long time ago. People stopped watching sometime between Martha Stewart buggering it all up, Donald Trump firing his icy fembot sidekick and the show decamping to LA, where each week's losing team were forced to sleep in tents, and the show was axed – a shame, because it meant that Donald Trump and Mark Burnett never got round to debuting their 'losers must kill, disembowel and eat each week's fired candidate' gimmick.

However, thanks to the success of the British charity Celebrity Apprentice – where Rupert Everett pulled out midway through even though it was for charity, probably directly causing the deaths of up to 15 starving African orphans – Donald Trump was thrown a lifeline in July when NBC decided to make its own version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Finally, Donald Trump could get back on TV and stop hawking bits of meat and intimidating Scottish fishermen who don't want him to build a golf course on their house. And, although Rosie O'Donnell declined Trump's Celebrity Apprentice invite, good old Donald Trump has managed to get his hands on 14 of the most insanely famous megastars on the planet to take part on the show. Donald Trump himself says:

"This will be the most exciting season of The Apprentice yet—maybe even better than season one. Our 14 celebrity contestants are incredible individually, and as a group they will make The Celebrity Apprentice one of the hottest shows on television."

So who are these incredible contestants, these gods among men who variously inspire magisterial levels of subordination and outright lust in the general population just by the sound of their names alone? Well, the truth is we don't really know. None of the Celebrity Apprentice are really that famous, you see. But we're sure it was deliberate on Donald Trump's part – he probably turned down Madonna and Nelson Mandela and Tom Cruise and Ringo Starr and Princess Diana's ghost and whoever invented the Soulja Boy Dance in favour of the real Celebrity Apprentice contestants. And in case you were wondering, they happen to be:

Gene Simmons – Most famous for: discovering Lil' Chris

Stephen Baldwin – Most famous for: being Barney Rubble in The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas

Lennox Lewis – Most famous for: punching people for a living

Vincent Pastore – Most famous for: turning into a fish in The Sopranos

Piers Morgan – Most famous for: doing a vaguely unconvincing impression of Simon Cowell on America's Got Talent

Tiffany Fallon – Most famous for: her tits

Trace Adkins – Most famous for: singing songs about crop silos or something

Tito Ortiz - Most famous for: rolling around the floor with men in a homoerotic way

Carol Alt – Most famous for: her tits

Marilu Henner – Most famous for: being in a sitcom that hasn't been on TV for 24 years

Nadia Comaneci – Most famous for: being a Romanian gymnast

Nely Galan – Most famous for: hosting a three-year old reality TV show

Jennie Finch – Most famous for: playing softball. Softball

Omarosa – Most famous for: being on The Apprentice

You can see all of these A-listers get yelled at by Donald Trump when Celebrity Apprentice premieres on… oh, who cares. It's not as if you're actually going to watch Celebrity Apprentice, are you? Are you?