contestants - HecklerSpray

Dancing on Ice Review: Too Many Andys

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Dancing on Ice. It's always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn't it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they're willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They?re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

It’s The Desperate Slags On Ice Lineup Everybody! Is Your Favourite Sugababe In Here?!

January 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don't get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you'd generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they're lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It's the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.

New Celebrity Apprentice Season Continues To Defy Trade Description

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You have to love Donald Trump – he has a ‘never say die’ that holds firm even in the face of something as persuasive as common sense.

That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.

Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.

The Apprentice: This Year’s Batch Of Grasping Arseholes Revealed

March 19th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

The fourth season of The Apprentice starts on BBC 1 next week and, although people come to see Alan Sugar be all gruff and hedgehog-faced, they stay for the hopefuls.

And, as is normal for The Apprentice, the full line-up of candidates angling for a £100,00 job being Sir Alan Sugar's monkey-slave have been revealed. But what are this year's gang of Apprentice contestants actually like?

Well, one is a global pricing leader, one is an international car sales strategist, one is… oh, let's cut to the chase – all the Apprentice contestants will be hateful, ambitious, money-fixated, ladder-climbing arseholes who don't have the skills to match their endless tiresome self-promotion; the sort of people who you'd punch to death in a second if they came up to you and started trying to network. That probably covers them all.

Gareth Gates & Samantha Mumba Do Dancing On Ice

January 8th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

You'd have to be an idiot not to love Dancing On Ice – it's just like Strictly Come Dancing except that everyone falls over more and there's a greater chance of someone slashing their throat open with their feet on live TV.

So you'll be pleased to hear that a new series of Dancing On Ice begins on Sunday – and where there's a new season of talenty reality shows there's a list of achingly unfamous personalities queueing up for their appearance fees. This year is no different, and the lucky competitors have just been announced. As usual, no expense has been spared getting the biggest names around, which means from Sunday Dancing On Ice viewers will be able to see the likes of Gareth Gates, Linda Lusardi, Samantha Mumba, one of Hear'Say, someone who used to be on Blue Peter and that girl whose knockers were groped by Prince Harry all skating for survival – and we've got some early Dancing On Ice betting odds, too.

Yes, we said Samantha Mumba. No, we didn't think she was still alive either.

Celebrity Apprentice Missing Quite A Few Actual Celebrities

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows – and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.