Enjoy karaoke? Like mingling with several beautiful people who all look identical? A fan of nun-based musicals?

Then have we got an offer for you! Thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber deciding that someone from Hollyoaks - we don't know which one, they all look so similar - is to be the new

Sadly, most of us aren’t going to be rock stars and will only have Guitar Hero as the next best thing.

You won’t be playing for crowds of thousands at Wembley. Instead the biggest crowd you’ll rock out to will be your grandma and her mates as they gather round for their coffee morning whilst you show them you’ve mastered the hard setting whilst blindfolded. No drug-fuelled orgies will commence, no groupies begging you for love sessions in a Travelodge so they can then tell the News Of The World you only have a two-inch penis.

Sadly this is all just a dream, but now the most unlikely of sources is going to offer you some sort of way of fulfilling your rock n roll dreams. Poor Missy Elliott has a problem, you see. She’s gone and recorded her new album and doesn’t know what to call it.

In this post-feminist landscape, beauty contests are more about displaying a united spirit of sisterhood than anything else - well, that and attacking your competitors with pepper spray to stop them winning, as Ingrid Marie Rivera has found out.

Ingrid Marie Rivera, you see, is going to be Puerto Rico's representative at next year's Miss Universe competition. But her journey has been fraught with more peril than anyone could have imagined because rather than Vaseline her teeth and make up a lot of bullshit about animals like all other wannabe Miss Universes do, Ingrid Marie Rivera had to cope with someone sabotaging her clothes and make-up with pepper spray before the show began. And by struggling through the pageant covered in hives and emerging as Miss Puerto Rico, Ingrid Marie Rivera has proved that nothing can stand before her ultimate goal of wearing a sash, smiling subordinately and being found attractive by Donald Trump for a year.