By now the haze of Christmas parties is bound to have worn off and you’ll be sitting there with nothing to show from the festive period but a photocopy of your genitals and an unplanned pregnancy; you’re probably looking back on the month or so preceding this and thinking, “Where did it all go wrong?”
That’s simple. You’re one of these people who gets so excited about the concept of Christmas that you vomit all over your facebook with excitement the first time you see that terrible Coca Cola advert.
SO YOU’VE PROBABLY ALREADY GUESSED THAT I’M GOING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE YOU RUB YOURSELF AND WONDER IF YOU MIGHT HAVE CRABS.
Read More >>>
Over the last few years, stories regarding Michael Jackson have all focused on one specific issue. That’s right, his demise from this world and descent into a tacky gold coffin that’s buried deep underground so nutjob fans can’t rub their genitals across it.
More recent events have led to the climax of Jackson’s life where the whole world got to hear what drugs were given to him via ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray. Ever since the incident on the set of a Pepsi commercial where the former king of pop’s head resembled a stinky sparkler, Michael supposedly downed pills like Smarties.
We’d like to distance ourselves from the recent courtroom drama featuring the only decent member of The Jackson Five. Instead, we want to relive some of the more memorable moments from his lifetime when he was alive, full of life and generally not being beaten by Poppa Joe.
Read More >>>
Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.
Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.
However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.
Read More >>>
Deathbed for sale. What a peculiar notion. That said, it has a lovely ring to it. It almost sounds like an Agatha Christie thriller. Either way, Michael Jackson’s deathbed was up for auction so that his mental fans could buy it and have sex with themselves in it.
That’s because they’re hugely lonely and there’s no room for another face in the mirror because Mad Jackson fans are too enveloped by the aura of Jackson himself.
Anyway, the deathbed has been pulled from auction because some bright spark realised that it might be a little distasteful selling a giant bed filled with celebrity corpse goo. Shame. We hoped a mad-scientist would buy it and try cloning an army of Michael Jacksons.
Read More >>>
Remember Michael Jackson’s amazing tribute event in Cardiff where people bought overpriced tickets to watch Alien Ant Farm, 3T, JLS and LaToya Jackson (aka Michael’s animated corpse) prance around on MJ’s grave?
Of course, most of the Jackson family thought the tribute was in terrible taste, what with it taking place in the middle of Conrad Murray’s trial.
The whole thing was beset with controversy, even to the point where absolutely insane Michael Jackson fans boycotted the whole thing, calling it a scam. Well, maybe those lunatics were onto something because Global Events – the people who put the show on – have now gone into administration leaving everyone who worked on the show unpaid for their work. HURRAY FOR MICHAEL JACKSON’S LEGACY!
Read More >>>
You X Factor fans are a fine bunch of conspiracy theorists and when it was preemptively announced that one of the eliminated caterwaulers had been allowed back into the show, the viewing public gathered in the streets with pitchforks and torches, desperately seeking someone to pin the blame on.
When Loaded’s Man of the Year (1998-Present) Dermot announced that someone called Amelia Lily was to take her place among the X Factor elite, a lot of viewers believed that the result had already been accidentally leaked on STV’s website.
Many people who took to twitter to test the abilities of hashtag filters, thought that the early leaking of the result meant it was a fix. Cries went up and heads were expected to roll. People began looking for Simon Cowell effigies to burn in the streets as the public showed its distaste at being betrayed.
Read More >>>
DON’T PANIC EVERYONE! Frankie from The Saturdays has been found alive and well! Go back about your business.
The World was left in a state of shock when The Saturdays pitched up on London’s Oxford Street to turn on the Christmas lights, only to find that Frankie (the one people know the name of) wasn’t there.
It turns out that the former S Club Juniors singer was just feeling a bit poorly, so wasn’t able to join her band mates when they officially started Christmas on Tuesday evening.
Read More >>>
Ever looked at David Gest and wondered if he keeps his face in position with a large bulldog clip like Kent Brockman from The Simpsons? If so, when he takes it off, does his head look like a hot scrotum?
Either way, Gest seems like a decent enough bloke for someone who has been ravaged by the entertainment industry and mental enough to marry Liza Minnelli while she was in her Aged Alcoholic role (according to Gest himself at least).
And now that the reality TV shows have dried up, Gest thought it would be a good idea to make a film about Michael Jackson, a man who shared the same plastic surgeon with David… which explains why they both look so very, very odd.
Read More >>>
