And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month – or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

We have to admit that Jamie Spears has really turned Britney Spears around this year. Back in January Britney Spears was being sectioned out of concern for the wellbeing of her children, and her songs were all snarling chunks of rebellion aimed in part at her family. But since Jamie Spears became Britney’s conservator, everything’s been hunky dory. Britney Spears is number one again, and all her songs go “MMM papi LOVE you! MMM papi LOVE you!”

Granted, Britney Spears does give off all the signs of being little more than a performing monkey now – and she keeps bursting into tears on camera because she hates her life under her father so much – but at least she’s earning money again. And when Britney earns money, everyone earns money. Especially Jamie Spears.

Although Jamie Spears had previously given himself a $10,000 monthly wage to control Britney Spears’ assets back in March, he’s since decided that he can’t live on a paltry sum like that and has gone to court to get a 60% payrise. And backpay. And an extra $1,200 a month to give himself a swanky office. AP reports:

For helping his daughter through her turbulent period, Jamie Spears on Monday was awarded an additional $51,000 payout. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay.

That’s not too bad at all – $192,000 a year for basically keeping Britney Spears away from the adult scissors. Hey, Britney – if you’re reading this, we’ll do it for $190,000. Plus you’d be allowed to have sex with as many undesirable members of the paparazzi as you like. And you could have the car at weekends. And, just for old time’s sake, we’ll even provide you with one designer dress a month to absent-mindedly smear dogmuck over. Whaddaya say?

Oh, don’t worry about your dad, he’ll be OK for money. Seriously, if he can pull $16,000 a month for looking after your stuff, imagine how loaded he’ll be once he’s convinced a court that he can stop Jamie Lynn from getting any more pregnant liposuction.

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Except she doesn’t. Britney Spears doesn’t have it all at all – to be more accurate, Britney Spears’ dad has it all. As her conservator, Jamie Spears gets to control all of Britney’s assets until she’s properly recovered from her numerous psychiatric problems. And, thanks to a court hearing yesterday, we know exactly when that date will come.

Never. Britney Spears is never going to be well enough to look after herself, because Jamie Spears has just had his conservatorship extended indefinitely. He’ll only lose control of Britney Spears’ assets when Britney herself requests it to be lifted. But, since filing a legal request requires more than repeating the word ‘womanizer’ 40 times in a row like a nightmarish robot chant, we wouldn’t hold our breath for that to happen any time soon.

Controlling Britney Spears’ affairs can’t be all that difficult, can it? All you need to do is keep her away from hair-trimming equipment, force her to take her clothes off in music videos and every now and again release a perfume with an arbitrarily-chosen adjective as its name like Britney Spears: Involved or Britney Spears: Isauxetic and – bingo – you’re away.

And that’s why we’re secretly jealous of Jamie Spears, because that’s exactly what he gets to do all day. Ever since she spent that time in that mental hospital earlier this year – after going a bit berserk, locking her children in a bathroom and screaming about death – Jamie Spears has been Britney’s conservator, which means he got to control all her stuff while paying himself a fancy wage for the trouble.

When the agreement was made, most observers assumed that it would only be a temporary situation – before long Britney Spears would be back on her feet with a full head of hair and a number one album – and that’s happened. Partly.

Yes, Britney Spears has a proper haircut again now, and Womanizer got to number one – but as far as being able to look after her own life goes, Britney’s such a hopeless mess that a judge has decided to grant Jamie Spears permanent conservatorship, as Reuters reports:

The father of Britney Spears will retain control over the once-troubled singer’s personal and business affairs for an indefinite period, a Los Angeles judge ruled on Tuesday… “The conservatorship is necessary and appropriate for the complexity of financial and business entities and her being susceptible to undue influence,” said the judge, Reva Goetz.

Actually, when it’s put like that, maybe Jamie Spears controlling Britney’s assets is a good idea after all. This way, the complications of juggling various business interests can be taken out of Britney’s hands, allowing her to concentrate on what she does best – staggering round car parks in a pink wig babbling made up words to hordes of paparazzi in a ropey British accent. No, singing. We meant singing.

After all, if Britney Spears really is susceptible to undue influence, then this is definitely for the best. And if you’re reading this, Britney, we wish you a speedy recovery. And also, we have a number of wonderful investment opportunities for you in the magic bean market. We’ll make you rich. Call us.

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

You see, there's been a fight between Britney Spears' dad Jamie and a lawyer working for a mystery client about – we think – whether or not Jamie keeps Britney Spears locked in abandoned monkey cage to stop her getting into trouble. And the lawyer had been trying to move Jamie Spears' conservatorship to a federal court to sort it out.

But it's OK, because a judge has denied the move. And that's important news because it, um, has something to do with Britney Spears. Vaguely.

Deep down, the whole world wants to be Britney Spears' conservator, but they're all just too scared to admit it. All that money. All that power. All that stopping Britney Spears from weeing on her own. It's enough to send you crazy with power. So crazy that you end up in a psychiatric hospital. Possibly.

As you already know, Britney Spears' current conservator is her father. Jamie Spears has done a pretty good job of keeping Britney under tight control so far – he's sacked her manager and managed to halt the flow of 'look what a crazy old nutter Britney Spears is' stories. But some would say that Jamie is imposing his will on Britney Spears a little too much.

Back on Valentine's Day, lawyer Jon Eardley – ostensibly working on the behalf of Britney Spears, although nobody seems too sure who actually hired him – filed papers seeking to move the conservatorship case to a federal court. The exact details are far too long and boring to go into, but the jist of it is that Jamie Spears is said to have so much control over Britney Spears that it violates her civil rights. And also that, at night, Jamie Spears dresses Britney up as a Russian dancing bear and makes her jig along to accordion music while standing on a heated plate. Or something.

However, yesterday a judge decided to deny the federal move, as Reuters reports:

A federal judge has denied an attempt to move the conservatorship case over the affairs of troubled pop star Britney Spears to U.S. jurisdiction from a California court, documents showed on Wednesday. U.S. District Judge Philip Gutierrez ruled the claims "may not arise under federal law" and indicated that not all necessary supporting documents were submitted, according to court papers.

The judge gave Eardley until the end of the month to get his argument in order, but it doesn't look likely to go any further unless he reveals who hired him. At the moment, the frontrunner seems to be Britney's old manager Sam Lutfi, although it could really be anyone. 

Jamie Spears is thought to be against a move to a federal court, because it would mean temporarily giving up his conservatorship of Britney. And we're not so keen on the move, either, because it means there'll be even more Britney Spears news around than there already is. And who the hell wants that?

Read more:

Judge denies attempt to move Britney Spears case - Reuters 

And, now he's also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney's business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We're not sure what Jamie Spears' other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we've heard rumours that he'll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I'm A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

We're not going to count our chickens here, but it looks like someone's got the message. It's been a few day's since Britney Spears left her mental hospital, and in that time we've hardly heard any reports of Britney staggering around car parks babbling in a funny voice or crying on pavements or the like.

What we take that to mean is that Britney's father Jamie Spears is taking his role as her conservator very seriously and protecting her the best he can. And now Jamie Spears' powers have grown just a little bit more, because, as the New York Daily News reports, he's been granted the authority to sack Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman if he wants to. And something tells us he wants to:

A Los Angeles Court commissioner has given the troubled singer's father power to fire her business manager, Howard Grossman, documents released Friday said. Grossman was ordered to turn over "all documents, records and assets relating to Britney Spears" to Jamie Spears, who is the court-appointed conservator of his daughter and her estate. Grossman told People.com he knew about the closed-door hearing in the case Thursday but said he had no idea why Spears' father sought the right to fire him. "The only thing I will say is my reputation speaks for itself," Grossman told People. "I couldn't tell you why they chose this path."

So that's Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman sacked and Britney Spears' regular manager Sam Lutfi slapped with a restraining order for allegedly grinding up drugs and adding it to Britney's food. It'll be interesting to see what Jamie Spears' next act as conservator will be – he's running out of people to fire now, unless he starts turning his ferocious boardroom dismissal skills on one of Britney's little yappy dogs or he suddenly decides to demote Sean Preston from 'son' to 'second cousin' or something.

Of course, if this sounds familiar, it's because it is. First comes the power, then the enjoyment of power. Next we imagine that Jamie Spears will surround himself with sycophants, marry a redneck, give birth a couple of times, divorce him, shave his head, stop wearing underwear and end up in the padded psycho ward of the nearest hospital. We hear it's genetic, see.

Read more:

Britney Spears' dad to sack manager – NY Daily News 

Chance'd be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears' well-being to all of Britney Spears' stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she's banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney's estate and finances, plus he'll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don't make the rules.

As shocking as it is to hear that Britney Spears is so gravely disabled that doctors have decided to keep her locked up in a padded room for a fortnight, perhaps it's the best thing for her. It'll be the first fortnight for a year where the paparazzi hasn't shadowed her every move, she won't have to keep turning up to court only to be told that she can't see her children and her only responsibility is to cover her ears at night to block the tortured screams of the other psychiatric patients. Britney can just take it easy and claw back some of her life for her own.

Alternatively, Britney could oppose everything that she's asked to do and start a ludicrously bitter public legal feud with her own father for trying to take care of her estate while she's incapacitated. But, no, let's credit Britney Spears with some intelligence. Only an idiot would do something like tha… wait, that's exactly what Britney Spears has done, isn't it? Arses. E! Online reports:

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz tapped Jamie Spears and Andrew Wallett as interim guardians of the 26-year-old's welfare after deeming her incapable of caring for herself at this time… An attorney named Adam Streisand appeared before Goetz on Monday and claimed he was retained by Spears over the weekend. She "expressed to me her very strong desire" that her father not be named conservator of her estate, said Streisand. "There has been an estrangement for quite some time. With him as conservator, that is causing her more agitation and more distress."

However, since she's now legally Gravely Disabled and therefore can't even be trusted to feed or dress herself, Britney Spears was never going to get very far trying to make complicated legal appeals, allowing Jamie Spears to keep control of all things Britney until at least February 14.

And, really, we can't see what Britney's problem is – surely of all the people in the world, her own father will have less of an agenda than anyone else who wants to control her $40 million estate. Agreed, he might tinker with the decision-making process a little now he's in charge, but that's to be expected. And he might use some of Britney's money to fund his dream of becoming a gangsta rapper, but there's nothing wrong with that. And he might digitally alter all of Britney Spears' songs so it just sounds like she's yelping "I love you Daddy" over and over again in a creepy child's voice, but… oh you get the idea.

Read more:

Britney Unable to Fight Daddy Day Care – E! Online